Summer Update

Hi friends! I've been back in the U S of A for a little over a month now, and summer is officially underway! It is so nice to be home, though I have to admit that not a day goes by when I don't think about something that has to do with Israel. I miss the people, the Israeli yom-yom (daily life,) Aroma (oh how I am longing for iced cafe hafuk...) and lots more. But, I am also enjoying everything that the United States has to offer and catching up with family and friends and STL.

What have I been up to?

WORK:
On the work front, I am the music specialist at Camp Nat Koplar at the St Louis JCC. I spend several mornings a week singing Jewish and children's songs with Jewish preschoolers in a beautiful and sometimes slightly problematic outdoor environment. Thank goodness I work in the mornings, under the shade, before the intense heat and humidity of a STL afternoon. I spend much of my time singing, of course, and the rest of the time I spend telling the kids to sit down and leave the many bugs and ants alone. It's been 4 weeks now that I've been at camp, and the kids seem to like me and enjoy their time in music. I am having fun with them as well, soaking up every ounce of their cuteness and enjoying my step back into childhood. I love my daily hugs and excited shouts of "Tracy!" or "Music Lady!" as the kids run to music everyday.

I am also tutoring a Bat Mitzvah student once a week in Columbia, preparing her and her family for the big day on July 12. I am also leading the service, without a rabbi, which should be a very interesting experience. Rayna (the student) is doing an amazing job getting ready in the very little time we've had together. Her Torah portion is in great shape, and her Haftarah will be there soon. She's also leading some of the service, which is awesome. I'm looking forward to the big day!

I will also be filling in a little bit at Rock School (where I worked last year,) more as a secretary than a voice teacher, which is fine by me. At this point, any money is good money, so I'm willing to do almost anything to make some. It's great to be back there and catching up with my former boss and students.

NYC:
This past weekend I traveled to the Big Apple with my mom and Aunt Diane to find an apartment and talk to HUC about various things related to next year. We managed to find an adorable apartment in Astoria, a neighborhood of Queens (it's safe, I promise...why does Queens get such a bad rap all the time?) It's in an awesome area, with tons of restaurants, bars, coffee shops, subway lines, etc. very close by. There is also a laundromat and grocery store literally across the street from the apartment. It's a 40-minute commute to campus, which is typical for many New Yorkers, and while it will definitely take some getting used to, I'm sure it won't be so bad.

We spent the rest of the weekend playing in NYC. We managed to catch Gypsy on Broadway, with the amazing Patti LuPone. Thank goodness we bought the tickets before she won the Tony for her role as Rose--I'm sure the ticket prices skyrocketed soon after her win. The show was great, the dinner afterwards was great, and the 15-block walk home with my mother in tow was...amusing. Let's just say it's a good thing she's not the one moving to NYC in August.

So, about NYC...only move there if you have lots and LOTS of money. My apartment isn't going to be terribly expensive (at least according to NYC standards--if I told a STL'isan what I am paying they would probably fall over and die) but everything else I will need, including health insurance (don't even ask about HUC prices, it is absolutely mind blowing what we have to pay), transportation, food, etc. is not going to be cheap. As we walked around, I saw visions of numbers quickly decreasing in my bank account. I am trying hard to save up money this summer, but I am still a little concerned about where it's all going to come from. But, where there's a will, there's a way...so I am confident all will work out in the end.

OTHER STUFF:
I seem to be finding lots and lots of fun ways to occupy the time I have between jobs and NYC stuff. I am taking guitar lessons with my friend Dave from HUC (though I need to practice...) and trying to exercise as much as possible. After work you can often find me running laps in the JCC pool or walking to Westport to indulge my Starbucks cravings (hey, it's a cheaper than a gym...) I am also taking VERY good advantage of my VERY expensive health insurance, booking appointments with every kind of doctor one can think of and making sure I am as healthy as I like to think I am. I am trying to sing as much as possible, though most of it comes in the form of children's songs. I did sing at TI a few weekends ago, which was fun and familiar and wonderful. The best part was when Rabbi Shook introduced me as "Student Cantor" instead of "Student of Cantor Blumenthal." Not that there's anything at all wrong with the latter title, but I love that I am officially a student cantor from HUC as well as TI. I will be singing more at TI during the month of July, which I am very much looking forward to. In addition, I am excited to start looking for and playing with my new Blackberry--between my school schedule, my South Bend schedule, and the tutoring job I am hoping to get, I need a way to stay organized.

In August, I will be speaking at TI about my year in Israel. I still, after much thought, have no clue what I will be talking about, though I am sure something will come to me eventually. Rabbinical students, how do you find your inspiration for your drashim? It's a little nerve wracking for me to speak publicly, but since I'll need to get over that in time, it's good to start with my loving and supportive congregation.

So, that's it for now. I am going to get ready to leave for camp Shabbat (my favorite time of the week at camp) and also get to work on my liturgy paper that was due in April. Good thing I haven't been procrastinating on it...

Much love to all, and happy summer!

Amazing

On June 10, a very special baby girl came into this world. Tikva Ahava came to us with a diaphragmatic hernia, a hole in her diaphragm that causes the lower internal organs to shift upward, crowding the heart, lungs and other upper internal organs. Sometimes the prognosis is less than good; sometimes it is excellent. As far as I know, no one really knows how severe the condition is until the baby is operated on.

Tikva came into the world smoothly and effortlessly, just as her mom and dad wanted her to. She's done beautifully from the beginning, proving her strength and will and courage as she's prepared for the surgery that would save her life if all went well.

Yesterday, on June 17 (and her mom's birthday!) Tikva had the important surgery she needed to save her life and help her breathe on her own. The surgery was a smashing success, and while she's not out of the woods yet, one of the hardest parts is over. I don't know details, but mom and dad and big sister Dahlia all seem very, very happy with the results.

Please keep this gorgeous little girl and her family in your hearts and prayers as she continues to do her important work on this earth. She is nothing short of amazing.

Thank you, Tikva, for making me an even more firm believer in Gd and the power of prayer.
Thank you, Dave and Gal and Dahlia, for teaching me the importance of positivity and showing me what it means to be truly human.
Thank you all for showing me what it means to have the strength of a billion people when it matters most.
Thank you for your light and love and wonderful spirits.

Thank You, Gd, for helping me believe in miracles.
Thank You, Gd, for HOPE and LOVE.
Thank You, Gd, for Tikva Ahava.

For Tikva

A very special baby girl will soon be joining us on earth, in her beautiful physical form. Tikva Ahava Spinrad, this t'fillat haderech, or traveler's prayer, is dedicated to you. May your journey onto this planet be full of warmth, beauty and most importantly, LIFE.

May it be your will, our God and God of our ancestors,
that you lead her in peace and help her reach her destination
safely, joyfully, and peacefully.
May You protect her on her leaving and on her arrival
and rescue her from any harm,
and may you bless the work of her hands,
and her her deeds merit honor for You.
Praise to You, Adonai, Protector of Israel, Protector of all that lives.

Please, for those of you who still read this, join me in lighting a candle to welcome Tikva Ahava into a warm, safe and loving community of people who are praying for her health and well-being. Say a quick prayer and keep my friends, The Spinrad family, in your minds and hearts in the coming days.

תודה רבה לכם

On June 17, 2007, I started this blog with this first post. It was a collection of thank-you's I needed to give to so many people who helped me along the way to BEGINNING this journey. Now that this part of my journey is over and I am back in St Louis, I feel the need to write a new list of thank-you's, to show my gratitude to those who have loved me and helped me through this year so graciously. So, in no particular order...

Nancy--Thank you for being my 'mom' this year; for yelling at my landlord and the electric company on multiple occasions, for holding my hand through Weight Watchers meetings and the services I was so nervous to sing this year. Thank you for the hugs and encouragement. Thank you for being YOU and for loving all of us the way you did. I will miss you and I hope you'll keep in touch.

Judi--I have to admit, that when I left for Israel, one of my biggest fears was that I'd get stuck with a voice teacher who wouldn't speak a lick of English and our communication would be so bad that I'd want to give up singing entirely and run home and hide. Luckily, from the moment I heard that kind British accent over the telephone, my fears were instantly calmed and I was confident we'd work well together. I've already thanked you, I know, but I just can't thank you enough for being there for me, listening to me complain about the program on occasion, and giving me back my confidence as a singer. You are the best and you will be missed.

Dave and Gal--There are no words to describe how incredible you both are, and how you have truly changed my life for the better. There is no way I could have lost my 73.9lbs (thus far!) without you--I dedicate this chunk of my weight loss to both of you, and you will always have a place in my heart and in my soul as I continue to live this healthy lifestyle. THANK YOU. I will continue to send prayers, love, good energy and anything positive I can muster your way. Give kisses and love to Dahlia and soon, to Tikva, and keep giving that baby girl everything she needs to thrive. I'm excited to sing with her--loud and strong and from the belly--someday soon :)

Eli--Thank you for being your brilliant self, and for believing in my talents and abilities even when I wasn't so sure. Thank you for teaching me humility and strength and for showing me how to be truly Jewish and human. It has been an honor and a pleasure working with you, and I look forward to seeing you and learning many more precious lessons in the future.

Rabbi Franken--I can't tell you what a pleasure it was to see you 3 times in Israel this year. I will always remember hanging out with you in J'lem and singing with you on Shabbat when you were leading the trip in January. Thank you for always taking the time to think of me and make sure I was included and invited wherever you were. I wish you the best of luck at your new pulpit in Boston--we will all miss you at Temple Israel! Please keep in touch and come visit the Big Apple!

The Sanger Family--I am lucky to have so many people on both sides of my family who all love me and cheer for me and do everything they can to help me. But all of you have gone above and beyond your duties as aunt, uncle, and cousins and have helped to make this year so special for me. Thank you for everything--for sending me clothes and presents, for helping me with taxes and apartment searching and taking care of the little things. Thank you for asking all the right questions, for cheering me on, and for loving me like your own daughter and sister. I love you all and I am so lucky to have you.

Nicole--We were so lucky to have you as our downstairs neighbor and friend. I will always remember our window-to-mirpeset chats, Yahtzi games, and dinners together. Thank you for everything you've done, and for always having the right amount of chocolate in your apartment to fulfill our chocolate cravings. You continue to amaze me with your ability and talents--please remember how special you are and how much you have to offer this world. I know I am going to hear great things from Nicole "Noa Tzippora" Roberts.

"Shutafah", "Stacy", "Woman", "Achoti", Steph--I knew from the second I talked to you on the phone last April that we were going to be good roommates. I had no idea, however, that we would become such good friends and sisters this year. There is no way in hell I could have made it through this year without you being my support system, laughing buddy and cleaning lady (haha.) You are an amazing, strong, talented, intelligent and incredible woman, and I hope you know how much you've meant to me this year and how I will always remember the times we had. Together, we survived 12B Lincoln and a YEAR in ISRAEL, and I wouldn't have wanted to survive either with anyone else. Love you.

To my family and friends outside of Israel, thank you for thinking of me, consistently reading this blog and adding comments, putting up with talking to me via my terrible Skype connection, sending emails, postcards, and letters, coming to St Louis over winter break to see me, pulling me through my worst ruts while I was in Israel, and for all the other little things that are too numerous to mention. I love you guys, and you were right along with me on this journey the whole time.

The End of the Beginning

Love.

My finals are over. My papers (except for my Liturgy and half of my Israeli Seminar paper) are typed. All of my stuff is in boxes to ship or packed in suitcases. The apartment is clean. My sheirut is coming at 7am to pick me up. Physically, I am ready to leave Israel.

And yet, I am laying in my bed at 1:30am, unable to sleep or comprehend all that is happening. In just a few hours I will be gone from Israel for good. This isn't a 2 week visit home, this is for real. I am really leaving this place.

This place where I have struggled and worked and sang and laughed and cried and fought. This place where I have learned the value of a Jewish homeland and the people who have fought and are still fighting to protect it. This place that has allowed me to grow (and shrink!) and flourish and discover amazing pieces of myself that I never knew exisisted. This place that allowed me to realize the importance of knowing and appreciating who I am.

All week long, amid frantic packing and studying and paper-writing, I've been thinking about the girl who boarded the plane on June 27, 2007. She certainly wasn't the same girl who is sitting here typing right now, for so many reasons. So much has happened as a result of me being in Israel; so much of me has changed, inside and out, and it makes me so proud of myself. So proud of how hard I've worked and how far I've come. So proud of what I've chosen to do and where I've chosen to study. So proud of my place in the Jewish people and in Israel. It's really amazing. I have to say, though, that the changes I've made worry me a bit. Can I come back to the States and maintain this new person who I've come to like so much? Will I fit in to my old life the way I used to? Can I handle going back to where I've come from, with it's own set of challenges and struggles, to sustain my "Israel-self" without falling back into old bad habits?

I honestly don't know. While my self-confidence has skyrocketed this year, I still struggle to be wholly confident in the future, in what I can be and what I can do. I do know, however, that I will have the right people alongside me all the way--just as I have this year--with their help, love and support, I will continue to work to build and sustain the Tracy I want to be; the Tracy I became this year.

This is nowhere near the end of my journey, in life or in cantorial school. This is just the end of the beginning, and I have tons to look forward to. But it still makes me terribly sad to be leaving this amazing place, that for me holds more than just Jewish history and spirituality. I will always look back and think of the person I was and the person I became this year and appreciate this place so much more simply because of that journey.

I am so blessed and so lucky to have had this opportunity.

In fact, I think I might just be the luckiest girl in the world.

Ranting

I am writing this post because 10 years from now, when I am happily working as a cantor in a wonderful congregation, I want to look back and roll my eyes and laugh at the week this institution is currently putting us through.

Consider yourself warned--this one ain't gonna be pretty.

First, I don't understand why 4 of my professors have put material onto their final exams that we have not yet studied or talked about in class...does something seem wrong with this? Are they looking for us to do badly on our exams?

Second, I am a FOOL for thinking I could manage finals, saying goodbye, packing, cleaning, shopping, and preparing to leave Jerusalem all in the same week. It's all going to get done because it has to get done...but it seems endless and a huge burden.

Third, I am in a constant state of mind-numbing exhaustion. Trying to get everything done and feeling overwhelmed all the time makes me want to do nothing but sleep.

Fourth, if one more rabbinic student brags to me about being done on Wednesday, or complains about feeling overwhelmed, I swear I am going to do something terrible to them. A bunch of people are going to a local bar to celebrate being done tomorrow, while the cantorial students (lucky us) have a final on Thursday. Our hardest and most intense final, I might add. So we'll be in the library or at home, studying out happy little asses off while everyone else is toasting to a great year. I love my rabbinic student colleagues, but I wish they'd respect the fact that they're not the only ones on campus...

(I promise none of the above bragging or complaining applies to my roommate...she's wonderful, especially because she loves me even when I am grouchy and mean, as I am right now.)

Anyone want to share a bottle of wine and some kind of delicious, fattening American food with me when I get home on Saturday?

Let It Begin With Me--HUC Remix

My friends Jen and Evan created this song for our last Shabbat (16 May 2008) as a class at the HUC-Jerusalem campus. I haven't been able to get it out of my head yet! The words are as follows:

Ca
Cafe
Cafe HaFuch
best damn toast in town

Walking the Bible...
Jerusalem Days
Tiyulim
Stop the bus, I really have to pee!

Oh, my own life - I'm not allowed to control,
because to HUC - I sold my soul...

George
George W.
George W. Bush
Can you come again next week?

So we
we can
have take home finals
we promise we won't cheat.

Women's
Women's Torah
Women's Torah Commentary
Just 10 years too late

Oh, my own life - I'm not allowed to control,
because to HUC - I sold my soul...

R
RL
RLW
I'll see you at 12:15

Cantors, Rabbis, Educators
Rabbis, Educators, Cantors
Educators, Cantors, Rabbis
We're all going to be..

Oh, my own life - I'm not allowed to control,
because to HUC - I sold my soul...

H
HU
HUC
Let It Begin With Me

Craziness

So...it's finals week. Which means all of us are stressed beyond belief with more things to do than time to do them. And many of us are leaving on Friday, adding yet another layer of stress to our already jam-packed brains. Most of us are in foul moods much of the time, causing us to snap, yell, scream or simply not speak to one another. It's great fun...more fun than I could ever describe.

However, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. And sometimes, even the darkest tunnels have windows. I just finished singing my chazanut final, which went remarkably well. I've struggled with my piece all semester (Ki K'shimcha by Zavel Zilberts,) threatening on more than one occasion to rip up the paper and throw it out the window, but I persevered. And I'm so, so happy I did. Not only is it a beautiful piece, but I learned so much about chazanut in general from it. It also reminded me that sometimes the things we struggle with the most turn out to be our greatest successes, which in this crazy time of the semester is a much needed and appreciated reminder.

I don't know what happened in that room a few minutes ago, but I took that piece and I conquered it. And that feels pretty damn good.

There's so much more to write about right now; it's an emotional time for all of us, though we don't have time to think about it with finals and papers and packing. In 5 days, I am leaving Israel for good, and while I am excited to see everyone back home, I am also incredibly sad to leave here. Go figure that I became really comfortable in Israel this semester; now that I am happy here, I have to leave and return to a life where I don't know exactly where I belong. And I have to start thinking about life in New York City, which is 100 times more terrifying than the thoughts I had of living in Israel this time next year.

Please be patient with me when I come home...I am so excited to see you and spend the summer with you, but it's going to take some major readjusting as I settle back into life in the States and get ready for the next piece of the adventure in NYC.

The Old City

The entrance to the Old City of Jerusalem from the new (and wonderful) Mamilla Mall.

I haven't spent a whole lot of time in the Old City year--probably not enough time. It's a busy place, with lots of people, lots of haggling, lots of Jews and Arabs and Christians and Armenians. As beautiful as it is to see, it's also very confusing and easy to get lost in the little side roads that seem to lead you nowhere. It can be more overwhelming than worthwhile at times, especially on days where it's hot or very crowded.

This past Wednesday, our last Israel Seminar ended early, so instead of doing the thousands of things I need to be doing, I decided to go gift shopping in the Old City. My friend Ari knows a guy in the Arab shuk who sells cheap and nice t-shirts, so I wanted to pick up some things before I left. I had every intention of just going to buy some t-shirts and maybe peruse the Arab shuk a tiny bit, and then I would come home and do work. Instead, I ended up spending over 3 hours walking around, talking to store owners in hebrew, spending money and time I don't have, and visiting the Kotel for the last time this year.

The Jaffa Gate entrance, that leads you into the Christian Quarter of the Old City.

The Arab Shuk

In the t-shirt shop, I was treated to Turkish coffee and water (not uncommon when a store owner likes you) by the two brothers who own the shop. One of the brothers, the one who was not making my t-shirts for me, decided he was in love. He hugged me several times, kissed me on the cheek several times, and tried more than once to kiss me on the lips. Finally, I told him "Yesh li chaver!" (I have a boyfriend!) and he pretty much left me alone. He did tell me he was in love with me and that I needed to come back before I left. In America, this situation would be classified as sexual harassment, though here in Israel, it just isn't. There was nothing offensive about what he was doing, and though I was a little uncomfortable, I guess I've come to learn that things like that are just customary here. I'm sure my hardcore feminist friends would disagree with me, but at the very least it made for an interesting visit to the Arab Shuk.

My proudest moment in the Shuk was when I managed to buy a pashmina for 50 shekels (about $14) instead of 120 shekels. I really hate haggling, as I have a guilty conscience and I really don't want to offend anyone by offering too little money for their goods--especially here, because I don't want to be a disrespectful American who tries to take advantage of a struggling Arab salesman. But, I have learned that there is a polite way to haggle and get what you want for not more than you're willing to pay. The trick is to simply say 'thank you' and walk away when he quotes you the price, even if he's lowered for you a time or 2--he will usually call you back into the store with a significantly lower price that HE set, one that is usually fair for both of you. So, after I politely said 'no' to paying 120 sheks for the pashmina, and once again saying 'no' to his offer of 90 sheks and walking away, he called me back and offered 50 sheks, which I was happy to pay. It felt like a very powerful, yet fair way to get what I want for the price I am willing to pay.

After too much fun in the Shuk and surrounding shops, I found my way into the Jewish Quarter. I hung out for a bit, doing a little more shopping and going to visit the Kotel.

Welcome to the Jewish Quarter!

Believe it or not, until Wednesday, I had not prayed at the Kotel all year long. I remember my first visit to the wall when I was here on Birthright that really shaped my opinion and perspective of the wall. Growing up in Jewish America, you hear non-stop that the Western Wall is this amazing piece of Jewish History and spirituality. Upon my first visit in January 2004, I surpringsly walked away from the wall thinking "Really, it's just a wall..." It's just the stones of a retaining wall that protected the 2nd Temple. There's something beautiful about the fact that it's still here, and still belongs to the Jewish people, so historically I think it's a wonderful thing. But I've never felt a strong spiritual connection to the wall and everything it represents for the Jewish people.

There's also the issue of gender inequality at the Wall. In the 1960's, the Ultra-Orthodox community decided to revolt against the new-ish Progressive movement in Israel and seperate the wall into men's and women's sections. In Orthodox Judaism, women are prevented from participating in any of the service leadership, including reading Torah--some communities go as far as to outlaw women's singing or voices within the service (this makes me so angry I can't even elaborate.) In fear of the Progressive Jewish movements that not only allow but encourage participation by women, the Ultra-Orthodox community put a mechitza, a seperating wall, between the men and the women. The balance of space at the wall is about 75% men to 25% women, resulting in an overly crowded space for women that makes it difficult to pray or even get close to the Wall.

I don't consider myself an ultra-feminist by any means, but this isn't fair. And it needs to change. There have been efforts by some communities to pray in a mixed fashion with both men and women at other parts of the wall, which are actually beginning to work, though I think it will be a long time before a women can stand at THE Western wall and legitimately read Torah.

The Western Wall from the plaza--it's hard to see the mechitza from this picture, but it's there.

But anyways, I went to the Kotel and once again, it was just a wall. But I tried to pray anyways, for Jerusalem and Israel and the amazing experience I have had here. My real prayers, the significant ones, will be saved for our last Shabbat service, tonight, when we'll gather as a class for one last t'fillah in a beautiful, progressive environment.

Notes stuck between cracks of the wall-many people place their most important prayers into the cracks of the wall.

My last view of the Kotel Plaza this year

So because I got nothing done on Wednesday, I must leave you to accomplish much of the work I still need to do. I will be home a week from tomorrow, so I am filled with emotion and worry and nervousness as the semester wraps up...but that's another blog for another day (expect one, as soon as I need a break from paper-writing and too much studying.)

Excited to see you all!

Bushie's Back

A sign on the campus of JTS--this is the real reason I applied to HUC as opposed to JTS :)

These signs have been all over Jerusalem this week--right on, J'lem!

The security blimp that I can see every time I leave my apartment. I wave to it every time I am unlocking the gate at HUC--I'm sure Bushie appreciates my friendliness.

In the 8 years George W. Bush has been president of the United States, he has never once visited Israel.

Go figure the year I am here, he comes not once, but twice.

No one is exactly sure what he's doing here, or if he'll do anything all at to help the peace process, but one thing is for sure: he causes a giant mess every time he comes. Once again, the streets are closed, HUC is closed, helicopters circle our neighborhood constantly (and wake us up too early on our one day to sleep in) and security guards stand on every street corner.

I really shouldn't be complaining too much, since besides the traffic jams I really haven't had too many problems with his visit, but it's still a headache. And I have too many other things to worry about than crossing the wrong street (acc. to the security guard last night) or staying out of the watchful eye of the security blimp that hovers around the King David Hotel.

I have, however, told every non-American faculty member/person I know in Israel that I DID NOT vote for that man. Just so the Israelis don't blame me for him being here.

Thank goodness he'll be gone just in time for my last Shabbat in Israel, and our last, special Shabbat before we all go to our respective campuses. Where did this year go?