Student Cantor Makes Headlines

OK, maybe not headlines. But she WAS chosen to be interviewed by the York Daily Record, the local newspaper of her student congregation in York, PA. This is probably as close to fame as I'll ever get :)

http://www.ydr.com/religionfull/ci_15260913

In Loving Memory of John Joe Kuriger, Senior

John, thank you for being my first accompanist and providing Temple Israel with such beautiful music for so many years. Thank you for giving me strength in the scary moments in life and on the bimah. Thank you for always making me laugh and crying with me when I needed to cry. Thank you for your constant love and support, for your jokes and your brutal honesty, and for being such a special person in my life.

While I haven't quite figured out how to forgive God for taking you away so soon, I know for sure that I am blessed to have known and loved you. I will love and miss you always. May your memory always be for a blessing.

John Kuriger, me, and Cantor Linda Blumenthal after my Junior Recital at the University of Missouri, April 2004.

I'm forever sorry that I didn't get to say goodbye, and even more sorry that I never told you how much I loved you. I hope you know that now.

Semester in Review

Are you getting tired of reading about how sorry I am that I haven't posted in weeks (or in this case, months?) Friends, it's been a very busy end of the semester. I am exhausted and feeling somewhat like HUC has sucked every last ounce of my soul out of my body, but I am still standing.

So much has happened this semester. I could spend this post talking about how much I learned in my Intro to Midrash class (even with it's treacherous and somewhat self-defeating final exam) or how much joy I've experienced through my pulpit work in the last couple of months. I could also talk about how I freaked out during my guitar final--literally running out of the room in tears--or how I worked so hard on the Hinini I had to sing for comps and then completely butchered it in the moment. I could talk about the wonderful relationship I've formed with my rabbinic mentor in York, or how I let a congregant talk me into doing a shot of Wild Turkey at a Bar Mitzvah party last week.

It's been a roller coaster of a semester, clearly.

In truth, however, I don't want to talk about school or work. Why? Because that's ALL I've talked about this year. It's all I've lived and done this year. Somewhere in the process of becoming a cantor, I've lost so many other parts of myself. I've forgotten who TRACY is. I've forgotten what it feels like to have fun and enjoy my family, my friends, and my life outside of HUC and the synagogue world. I've even lost my love of blogging and sharing my life with this wonderful community of people who are actually interested in the life and times of a cantor in training. I HATE ALL OF THIS.

This summer, I want to reconnect with myself. I want to remember who I am and what I love outside of the Jewish community. I want to do fun things, like go on dates and explore this crazy city that I've been living in for 2 years without ever really exploring. My goal is to learn more about the things that make me happy, and to welcome as much love and joy into my life as possible.

I'm in the process of creating a list of things that bring me utter joy and happiness. I'm keeping the list private for now, but I will say that those of you who are still with me, after 3 years of blogging (!!!) and my many hiatus' as of late, are truly a blessing in my life. YOU make me happy. Thank you for that.

Now I'm curious: what makes you happy?

A Whirlwind Semester

Rabbi Jeff and I, dressed as Yentes for our "Megillah on the Roof" Purim Schpiel. Isn't he a pretty woman? :)

Cantor Fishbein leading the singing of the 4 Questions during our Passover model-seder

Hello friends! I know it's been a long time since I've last updated. As my BFF Rachel says, you can tell I've been busy by the lack of updates to the blog. It's true--life has been INSANE the last few weeks.

This semester is very academically intense; lots of reading, writing, studying, translating, memorizing, etc. I'm taking wonderfully fulfilling classes, such as Liturgy with Dr. Larry Hoffmann (who wrote this very famous, useful liturgical encyclopedia series called My People's Prayerbook) and Midrash with Dr. Norman Cohen, former provost of HUC. Both classes are totally mind-blowing and I'm learning a TON, but they along with my other courses make this semester very heavy with work and responsibilities. I'm also taking classes in the history of Jewish education, contemporary Shabbat repertoire, Rosh Hashanah nusach, the history of the cantorate, and guitar lessons. Yep, I'm a busy girl. Sleep has not really been on the schedule for the semester.

As exciting as classes are right now, my real focus and love has been towards my student pulpit work. Jeff, my rabbinic mentor, and I have worked hard the last 8 months to establish and maintain a trustworthy, professional relationship. Now that we've established that trust, my responsibilities have doubled, giving me a TON of truly wonderful experiences under my belt.

For example, the month of March was Jewish Music Month for TBI (why it was the month of March, I have no idea...) Naturally, we had a lot of special music-related programming taking place over the course of my 2 visits with TBI throughout the month. On my first visit, I gave a Sermon-In-Song, discussing how so-called "traditional" melodies are not really traditional. I talked about pieces such as Lewandowski's Kiddush (and sang the actual Kiddush found in Lewandowski's Out of Print Classic "Kol Rinnah u'T'fillah", which is slightly different from the version most of us know), Goldfarb's Shalom Aleichem, and Nurit Hirsh's Oseh Shalom. The congregation was SO EXCITED, and several people commented afterwards about how they didn't realize the cantor was allowed to speak during services. Yep, the cantor can indeed speak during services! The next week we had a special commemoration for our organist, who's served the congregation for 25 years. Since the celebration was in the place of a sermon, I spoke about various pieces of music within the liturgy as they occurred throughout the service. I even took the opportunity to introduce the idea and the melodies of traditional nusach into the service. I'm not sure the congregation really understood or particularly enjoyed that part, but I'm glad I was able to give them a taste of traditional worship (and I hope to incorporate these melodies into the service as often as I can; I'm hoping it'll be easier now that they've been introduced...we'll see!)

I've also been playing within the realm of adult education, something I've never really experienced until this year. Every Saturday morning when there is no B'nai Mitzvah, the rabbi teaches a Talmud class for adult learners. He graciously offered me 3 Saturday mornings this semester to teach classes on Jewish music, which I jumped at the chance to do. My first 2 Saturday mornings were a series on "What Makes Jewish Music Jewish?", giving my congregants small tastes of various styles and genres of Jewish music. My hope was to open their eyes and ears to the many different uses of music both inside and out of the synagogue. It was a wonderful series, which sparked so many different conversations about the role of Jewish music and the congregants' specific likes and dislikes. They LOVED our time together and requested more, so I guess that means I was doing something right! :) On my last adult ed class, we learned about the Ernest Bloch Sacred Service, which (in my humble opinion) is one of the most important pieces of Jewish music ever written. Out of the 12 people who attended the class that morning, 11 of them had never heard of the piece...which is exactly the reason I wanted to teach it. Many of the class members were surprised to learn something of this musical caliber even existed within the Jewish world, and many compared it to Handel's Messiah in importance and musical/religious significance. I was excited to see their excitement and appreciation for the piece, and very moved by their insightful comments and insights on the piece.

I've also been working with the Sisterhood, helping them to prepare their Sisterhood Shabbat on April 23. They traditionally have a small Sisterhood choir that performs, so we've been working on putting together a beautiful service of music written by women composers. We have 12 members in the choir, and they sing with so much enthusiasm and spirit. It's been incredibly fun for me to work with them and to hear the progress they've made from visit to visit. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this choir, traditionally used only once a year for this service, can expand and become the temple's official volunteer choir. They'd have to accept some men into the choir, which many of them are fine with, and they'd have to commit to regular rehearsals and performance opportunities. We'll see what happens, but I'm really, REALLY hoping we can get something like this started.

Oh yeah, we also had Purim (including a Megillah on the Roof Purim schpiel for the entire religious school) and a special student-led Pesach model-seder run by yours truly. It's been a VERY BUSY couple of months at TBI, but I've loved every second of my time there and can't wait to continue into next year.

Last Saturday night as I was laying in bed after a particularly busy day in York, an overwhelming feeling of contentment ran through me. In that moment, I remembered just how lucky I am not only to be doing exactly what I love, but doing it in such a wonderful community. It's a complete and utter joy to be the student cantor of this congregation, even on top of the stresses and anxieties that come with balancing the job with school and my personal life (or lack thereof, lately.)

I'm a lucky girl. A very, very lucky, fulfilled, and inspired girl.

Summer Plans

For once in my life, I know what my summer plans are more than 2 weeks before they actually begin. For those of you who know me well and know I often leave plans until the last possible second (procrastinator, anyone?) you know this is a very big deal.

At my initial interview with HUC, Aunt Diane and I sat in the office of the Director of Admissions, where she told us about all of the opportunities that awaited me if/when I became an HUC student. One of those opportunities was a summer of Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE), where I'd be spending my summer as a chaplain in one of New York City's many hospitals. As soon as she mentioned this program, my ears perked up and I knew this was an opportunity I'd want to take advantage of. As clergy, we'll spend our days visiting congregants in hospitals and working with families of very sick people. We need to know the right things to say (or not say) and the proper ways to act in very tough situations. We need to be prepared for the emotional and physical turmoil an illness can bring to a person and/or a family and how to best bring them comfort and peace. As someone who finds it incredibly difficult to find the right words to say and the correct ways to reach out to people in these conditions, I knew that CPE would be a good program for me to participate in.

I knew since the beginning of the year that this summer was the right one for CPE. I feel more at peace with New York City and my place as a cantorial student, and I'm not longing for St Louis the way I used to. After completing the LONG and somewhat painful application, which included forms, references, essays, and reminders (the office buried my application away somewhere and lost it--had I not called them after winter break, I never would have had an interview), I finally landed an interview with the hospital I most wanted to work for.

Last week, I finally went to be interviewed; I had my professional dress, heels and makeup on, and my resume in hand. I was prepared to answer personal questions (they need to know you're emotionally stable to handle working with terminally-ill patients) and readyed myself for a thought-provoking, challenging interview. Long story short, the actual face-to-face interview never happened. I talked to the supervisor on the phone in the office lobby and we both agreed that I was eligible and ready for the program and that an in-person interview wasn't necessary. Several of my classmates participated in this same program last summer, so they'd already filled me in on the program and answered a lot of my questions.

I'll be spending my summer working at Beth Israel Medical Center, located near Union Square. I'm nervous for CPE and I know it will be a challenging, heartbreaking, eye-opening experience. None of my colleagues who have participated in the program have come away disappointed or empty-handed, though, so I know it'll be a worthwhile summer program.

I'll be chronicling as much of the experience as I'm allowed via the blog; for privacy reasons, I'm sure I won't be allowed to go into detail about any of my patients. I will, however, try to blog about how the experience effect me as a person and as a cantor. I'm interested to see where the road takes me emotionally, academically, and spiritually.

Without a doubt, this summer is going to be a wonderful challenge. I'll miss being in St Louis with my family, friends, and crazy little dog, but I look forward to summer in the city--I've heard it's fantastic!

If You're Interested...

...here are BlogHUC posts from December and January. Enjoy!

Yay for Cousins!

After 4 months of waiting and feeling like I was the only person on the planet who hadn't met baby Toby, I met up with cousins Whitney and Adam and the Tob-ster for lunch in Baltimore a few weeks ago. How cute is this baby? I mean really, just look at those EYES! Those CHEEKS! And he has the softest baby head. So sweet.

Baby Toby!

Happy family

Cousins! Toby looks so excited :)

Practicum #3

Many thanks to Faith for this great picture of Cantor Jack Mendelson and I, taken right after the practicum was over.

It's hard to believe that practicum #3 has not only come and gone, but was already 2 1/2 weeks ago. Time flies when you're jumping for joy that the damn thing is over with and you can return to normal life again.

Out of all of my practica thus far, this practicum, which covered the traditional liturgy and nusach for Tefilat Geshem, was easily the most challenging. Tefilat Geshem is a series of prayers and liturgical poems, said just before Simchat Torah, in which we remind God to send rain to make this harvest season a successful one. Growing up in my largely Classical Reform congregation in St Louis, Tefilat Geshem was never even a figment of my (or the rabbis' or cantor's) imagination. I never even knew there was such a thing as a prayer for rain until I watched my colleague give this same practicum last year (while simultaneously praying I would never be stuck with this topic...just goes to show that God interprets prayer in God's own way...)

There were all sorts of emotions that filled my body the day I opened my email to discover what the practicum topic would be. At first glance, I wanted to throw my computer out the window. At second glance, I cried. Yes, I cried. Over a practicum. Thinking back, I read the email at a time when I was frustrated with both nusach and the idea of impractical practica (practica that have little to no application in the real world.) I didn't understand why the faculty would assign ME this practicum, knowing my aggravation with these things and knowing that I was struggling so much with school. Though I didn't contest the assignment, I thought A LOT about it--probably too much.

I started working on this program the day after practicum #2. Thank God I had a wonderful coach who also happens to teach the class on the nusach of Geshem. From day one, I had my entire program planned out and I knew exactly what music I needed to learn. I quickly got to work learning the many melismatic passages and new liturgy. The music was hard, of course, but it was only the tip of the iceberg in terms of the many, many struggles I faced with this practicum.

For whatever reason, I got it into my head that this music was written for and designed to be sung by a man. Therefore, I began singing it as such, singing the pieces bigger than they needed to be. Those of you who know music and my history with singing know that I have a history of singing sharp; this is usually due to working too hard to make too much sound. I have had to learn how to relax enough to bring my voice back into the correct intonation which has NOT been easy or fun. Well, as I pushed my voice to be bigger and more manly than it is, my pitch slowly started to rise once again. There was a period of about a month where I couldn't sing this music without sharpening, sometimes going a full semitone higher than I should have been. It was incredibly frustrating. Thank God I had an amazing voice teacher who had the patience, persistence, and vocal expertise to help me get my pitch where it needed to be.

Another frustration: This liturgy consists of poems written about biblical men and their miraculous experiences with rain and water. It didn't make sense for me, as a liberal Jewish woman who knows that plenty of WOMEN in the bible also have miraculous experiences with water, to be singing these poems strictly about men. Combine this with the above issue of singing like a man, and it became hard to make sense of this practicum. Trying to sing music written for men and about men as a woman was confusing. It was the first time I've ever felt as though I was a woman trying to do a man's job--I've never had that kind of experience in the cantorate before.

The whole time I was preparing for this practicum, I felt as though I never really had a clue as to what was going on. I felt very little connection to the music or the text, and wasn't sure how I could fit this into my Reform cantorate. I'm still not sure about that last point, honestly, though I'd love to find ways to introduce it in ways my congregants can understanding. In order to do that, however, I need to continue to educate myself about Geshem and it's importance within Judaism.

In spite of all of this, I am happy to say the practicum was a rousing success. I sang well, with confidence (hey, fake confidence is better than no confidence at all!) and for the most part, in tune. It felt good to succeed in spite of the personal and vocal struggles that never seemed to end, and showed me that I can indeed tackle difficult nusach. The faculty seemed pleased and the feedback I received was helpful.

Overall, I'm glad the practicum was successful, but I'm especially glad it's over. I look forward to practicum #4 (the last one!), which will hopefully be a concert-style program on the music of a composer or a time period of Jewish music.

Many thanks to everyone who helped to keep me sane throughout this process. I appreciate you all!

Winter Break #3

I am writing this post from a Starbucks located in St Louis Lambert Airport, and thanking God for Google's gift of free airport internet for the holidays. Thanks, Google!

This break has been an interesting one. I've done a lot of wonderful things and played catch up with many of the important people in my life. I visited California and returned to St Louis for the first time since August. I had time to read books, watch movies, and spend quality time with people I love.

I was able to take off my "Cantor Face" for the first time since August.

I didn't realize just how huge or peculiar that would feel, or the incredible distinction I created for myself between "Cantor Fishbein", "Cantorial Student Tracy" and "Tracy". I haven't yet discovered how to combine my three glaringly different lives into one complete person, someone whose life is one neat package comprised of several different parts. It's difficult to be "Tracy" when I feel like I have to be "Cantor Fishbein" and so on.

But, at the same time, it's difficult to fully detach one from the other. I HAVE to be myself in my career, it comes with the job description.

This sense of confusion must be a part of growing up and growing into myself both as a person and as a professional. To be able to let go of the labels and feel completely myself despite where I am or what I am doing is something I pray will come in time. Maybe it's already happening, and I have to notice the distinctions before I can continue to grow.

***

This break is distinctly different in that I came home in a time of huge personal growth and professional successes, only to be met by many who are struggling for a variety of reasons. It isn't easy to be excited about and/or want to share my accomplishments with those who are fighting so hard. It's incredibly painful to watch people I love fall so heavily and difficult to find the right words to bring comfort or calm without sounding condescending. I learned over the course of these 2.5 weeks that sometimes the best thing you can do is to be fully present and just LISTEN. I'm beginning to learn that at certain times, not saying anything at all is the best thing you can do to help the people you love. Maybe this lesson a good intro to the hospital chaplaincy program I hope to participate in this summer, and something to remember forever as a clergy person.

***

I am by no means complaining. It's been a very interesting and life-changing experience to come back home and realize all of this important stuff.

I pray that 2010 brings a year of peace, fulfillment, and security to all of us, along with a healthy dose of happiness and laughter.

Ken Y'hi Ratzon.

Reflections on 2009

There is one full day left of 2009...can you believe it?

In between my finals and travels and reunions with family and friends, I've had a little time to sit and reflect on the year that is almost over. It's been a bigger, busier year than I realized. I think I will always look back on 2009 as the year I grew up and came into my own, both as a cantor and as a human being.

I've struggled with the right way to wrap up the year on the blog. Taking a cue from my friend Elizabeth's blog, I present you with a month-by-month recap of 2009's most challenging, exciting, heartbreaking, and meaningful events in the life of this cantor-in-training.

January:

The year started off with a relaxing family cruise to Jamaica and Grand Cayman. I returned to NYC to start semester #4 of cantorial school, giving my first practicum and showing my dad around the big city. I also began taking guitar lessons.

February:

I discovered my slightly irrational fear of the mice in my apartment, and tried to deal with it as best I could (with the help of my fabulous brother.) I visited Jane in New Hampshire, and returned to NYC promising myself I would stop hating the city so much.

March:

SSM students with through our second round of placement for student positions, some of us securing great jobs for the 2009-2010 school year, others being left in the dust. I became evermore grateful for my student pulpit opportunities.

April:

I spent a wonderful few days in NYC with Mike and Joey before coming home to STL for spring break. I led services at HUC-NYC for the first time, including a service that honored both Yom Hazikaron and the 5th year students' last day of classes--at the same service.

May:

I regained my faith in becoming a cantor/Jewish professional by participating in and experiencing Investiture/Ordination. I completed year 2 of my cantorial studies with finals and by ROCKING my fear-invoking, anxiety-inducing comprehensive exams. I talked honestly with the rabbi of my congregation in South Bend, telling him of my professional unhappiness and disappointments throughout the year. I said goodbye to the people who made my congregational experience so wonderful and worthwhile by presenting a concert of Jewish and Broadway music. I participated in my first weddings by singing in Josh and Emily's wedding and co-officiating my cousin Hilary and her husband Doug's wedding.

June:

I began my second summer of cuteness at the St Louis JCC, working with their pre-school camp as music specialist. I traveled with my mom and her family to Waterville, Maine, where I sang to my cousin Sarah on her Bat Mitzvah. I rediscovered my hometown, including the JCC and it's exercise facilities. I sang in my friend Elizabeth's wedding and reunited with some wonderful college friends.

July:

I began playing guitar in front of real people for my summer job. I sang my first funeral for a wonderful man who died too soon. I celebrated my 27th birthday at work and at a St Louis Cardinal's baseball game. I traveled to Columbia for a day with my brother to see my Lee-lah. I celebrated my cousin-to-be at my cousin's baby shower. I traveled to Cincinnati with Dave, Gal and Dahlia on their cross-country journey and had a great time with them, Steph, Batya and Carlie.

August:

I realized just how much I love my hometown. I left said hometown to move back to NYC and cleaned up a lot of dead mice in my apartment. I visited my new student congregation informally and began making wonderful relationships with my rabbinic mentor and congregants. I began preparing practicum #2 and attended a wonderfully fun HUC Kallah which began semester #5 of cantorial school.

September:

I presented practicum #2 to rave reviews from my student colleagues and SSM faculty. I officially began my tenure at Temple Beth Israel in York, PA with my first shabbat, Slichot, and High Holy Days. I welcomed my mom, brother, aunt and uncle to York to celebrate Rosh Hashanah with me. I rejoiced in another HHD's under my belt. I wrote my first post for BlogHUC. We welcomed baby Toby into our family.

October:

My cousin Kelly married her husband Bill, in a beautiful wedding that I had to miss due to school and financial constraints. I participated in the Garecht Outreach Institute conference with the rest of my 3rd year class. Had a fun lunch with my Aunt Diane and Uncle Harold at the Carnegie Deli in NYC. I co-led a week of services at HUC with my friend Marc. I began 4 straight weeks of pulpit visits, leading to an exhausting and exhilarating period of time.

November:

Did all of this stuff and somehow lived to tell about it. Participated in our first-annual Midwest Meets Brooklyn Thanksgiving dinner. Slept for 3 days afterward and enjoyed my time off.

December:

Wrote a melody for Y'hiyu L'ratzon, which I debuted to my classmates at a group dinner at Debbie Friedman's house. Found out about Leah's exciting engagement to Bobby. Wrote papers and finals and completed my 5th semester of cantorial school. YAY 50% CANTOR!!! Kissed NYC goodbye for the West Coast and visited Mike and Joey in LA, where I went to Disneyland for the first time. Traveled home to STL for the first time since August and reunited with family and friends. Began the process of rebuilding relationships with clergy at Temple Israel.

Whew. Are y'all as tired as I am?

It's been a big, trying, and fun year full of growth opportunities and new experiences. May all the best follow each of us into 2010 and give us a year of peace, contentment, and love.