Saturday, February 14, 2009

Rough Times

I'm not gonna lie--it's been a rough couple of weeks around here.

As the days pass by, I grow to hate New York City more and more and more.
I've wondered if what I've chosen to do with my life is worth putting up with this city that I hate for 3 1/2 more years.
I've spent more time contemplating the rabbinical program in Cincinnati. At least then I'd be closer to home, in an environment that is so much more ME, with Steph and Nicole and others who love me.
Except I'd be studying a field I'm not passionate about, and I'd graduate with a piece of paper that says I can do something I don't really want to be doing.

It's been a rough couple of weeks. Between mice in my apartment that I can't catch, being chewed out by a professor on music I thought I knew well, making a fool out of myself several times in classes (which is why I should never speak up or volunteer myself to do things) and continuously trying and failing to keep up with the pace and rudeness and one-sided people in New York, I'm almost at the end of my rope.

I've also discovered that mice terrify me.
That my living space, the one place that always used to offer me peace and calm, is no longer what it used to be.
I've been scared out of my mind to be at home, for fear of finding a mouse on one of the glue traps and then having to kill it myself and get it out of the apartment.
Because that's what the exterminator said I had to do.
But I am equally scared of being on the streets of New York, alone and fed up with the never-ending tension.
I have no safe space besides HUC, and this week, it hasn't been such a safe space.

It took every ounce of courage I had to not run out of the chapel in tears the other day, when I couldn't sing more than a few measures without doing something very wrong.
But I didn't run out. I kept going, even though I never did sing the pieces the way the professor wanted me to.

I guess that's what you have to do sometimes.
Just keep going even when you know it's not right.
Because maybe, just maybe, a small piece of it IS right.
Or maybe, it just isn't right for that particular period of time, and it can only get better.

Very deep down, I know I'm supposed to be here.
And deep down, I know it will all be worthwhile.

I'm trying really hard to be positive and look forward to all the exciting things that await me this week.
My Feldenkrais lesson on Monday.
My guitar lesson on Tuesday.
My voice lesson on Friday.
No work this week.
Seeing my girls every day, laughing with them, forgetting for a second how much I hate it here.
My coaching with Benjie--where we'll work on my nusach for comps--which helps me feel like less of a nusach disaster, like I actually have a shot in hell of actually passing my exams.

I'm going to go work on my 2-3 grade curriculum for my Cantor as Educator class, because it's what I need to do today.

Happy Valentine's Day.
Shabbat shalom.


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Melissa Ann said...

Hang in there, hon.

And seriously - let me know when your next few South Bend weekends are. I'd love to come and hear you sing, and catch up a little bit.

Anonymous said...

Hi Traci,

It was great seeing you at HUC. I'm sorry New York is torturing you. It can be kind of an awful place sometimes. Have you spent any time in Central Park, or the Museum of Natural History? I find those to be the most calm and mood-elevating places in NYC for a little private decompression time.

Anyway, I've seen you doing Bloch online, and know that you are astoundingly talented. Just hang in there through all the legwork, and don't forget how GOOD you are.

Stop thinking so hard when you perform!


Posi said...

Hey sweet girl...I just saw your have to come back to South Bend so I can spoil you with some matza ball soup and challah. Hang in are so special and so talented...and we so appreciate you at our Temple. Sending love and hugs