הַזֹּרְעִים בְּדִמְעָה בְּרִנָּה יִקְצֹרוּ
הָלוֹךְ יֵלֵךְ, וּבָכֹה נֹשֵׂא מֶשֶׁךְ-הַזָּרַע:
בֹּא-יָבֹא בְרִנָּה נֹשֵׂא, אֲלֻמֹּתָיו
Y'all know this verse from Psalm 126, even if you can't read the Hebrew.
"Those who sow in tears will reap in joy.
Though they go on their way weeping that they bear the measure of seed, they shall come home with joy, bearing their sheaves."
These words have been running through my mind in the last couple of weeks.
Weeks that have tested my strength and will in ways I never imagined.
Nothing is actually all that terrible; I've caught some mice, I'm working hard to keep my apartment as clean as I can so they stay away, I've been singing well and working hard in school, and I'm heading to Boston this weekend to visit a good friend.
For whatever reason, it's been hard to kick this funk that I've been in, and hard to find a way to appreciate New York City again. I'm trying really, really hard, which I think might actually be a part of the problem. Sometimes trying too hard results in exhaustion, which is easy enough to come by in a city like NYC. I'm playing with the idea that I might never be happy with New York, but it might be possible to find happiness within it. We'll see if I can strike that balance eventually.
For now, I just think of these times as the seeds I have to row in tears.
Knowing without a doubt that eventually I will reap in joy that will be sweeter than any joy I've experienced before.
And that confidence keeps me going, along with my good friends and amazing family.
For whatever reason, I used to think that the Bible was something people needed to turn to in times of real trouble: sickness, war, life-changing bad events, etc. I've learned that there is no shame in finding comfort from the words on the page, and from the belief that God really will take care of those of us sowing in tears, for reasons large and/or small. I know my life is nothing to be complaining about right now in comparison to others I know who are fighting illness or financial woes. I've come to realize, however, that the point of the Bible is to help those of us who need it, despite how big or small our problems may be.
Even if that help just comes from the ability to cry things out, or smile in relief.
Thank you all for your love and kind words in the last few weeks. You have no idea how much you've helped.
I'll be out of this soon, I promise.
For now, I'm gonna keep on keepin' on.