Just a short post to let you know that I'm still here. It's been a crazy week, with a lot of ups and downs, and I'm not really in the best state of mind at the moment. While I enjoy this program, it's incredibly intense and hard to manage most of the time. My temper flares at the drop of a hat with people who do nothing to cause it to flare. My head is trying to keep up with and memorize the millions of facts, notes, and vocabulary I am learning everyday. My body and mind are struggling to stay awake and alert while I'm in class. It's such hard work, much harder than I expected it to be, and I feel guilty for complaining about doing what I've dreamed about doing for years. I feel bad that many people live their lives never knowing what their dream is, or simply not having the guts to follow it, and here I am, accomplishing what I've always wanted to do and crying and complaining everyday about how much work there is to do before I get there.
There are definitely times where I'm not sure this is worth it. There are definitely times where I want nothing else but to hop on the next flight to the US and not come back. There are definitely times where I question my own readiness and abilities to be here, or compare myself to everyone else here, which always sets me up for disappointment.
I think the worst part is knowing that 95% of the things I study here could easily be studied in the States, without the added burden of living in a foreign country and all that goes with it. Many days, the only part of Israel that I have the chance to see is the street from my apartment to school and vice-versa. It seems silly to me that we have to be here if all we're doing is sitting in class and coming home to do homework. As I wrote in my reflection for the class last week, thank Gd for Israel Seminar, where we get out of the classroom and actually explore all that this country has to offer. It's the one day a week where I'm actually happy again to be here.
I'm staying hopeful that life will get easier, that this year will prove to be worthwhile in all the ways I thought it would be. I'm trying hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's hard most of the time.
So, I'm still here, and I'm surviving. I hope to update soon with a more detailed recounting of some of the better parts of this week. Shabbat, for instance, was really really beautiful. I promise to be much more cheerful in the next post, and to be a little more grammatically correct.
Missing you all like crazy and wishing I was with you (or you were here...come visit please...)