Home Sweet Home

God I love the Midwest. So, so, so, so, sooooooooo much more than I love NYC.

It's so freeing to be back home and far far away from the world of public transit and rude people. It's refreshing to take a walk just for the hell of it without hurrying or being practically run over by New Yorkers who think they're more important than you are. It's lovely to remember that people around here are nice, no strings attached. I love this ability to finally let my guard down and relax a little. The awareness of feeling perfectly safe wherever I am is so comforting, and it's something I haven't felt since I was last here in January.

I've done a lot of cooking, which is a huge part of who I am and what I love (I'd probably be in culinary school if I hadn't chosen the cantorial school route.) I still don't feel comfy cooking in my apartment in Astoria, despite my best attempts to get over the mice that I still find on a semi-regular basis. I love the feeling of cooking healthy meals for myself and my family and enjoying the time I spend doing so. I've missed it dearly and hope to maybe muster up the courage to go back into the kitchen upon my return to NYC. We'll see.

I am 100% convinced that the Midwest is where I'm supposed to end up once I obtain my investiture. There's something about the ease and friendliness of this part of the country that is so much more ME. It's hard to imagine that I have to spend the next 3 years of my life living in a city that doesn't appreciate niceties or peaceful, easygoing people. I'd even be okay with Chicago or Milwakee or Indianapolis--I don't need to be back to St Louis. I just want to live in a city where I don't have to apologize for being a nice person. I'm done with the attitude I've had to develop in order to merely survive in NYC. It's so clearly not who I am, and I hate the feeling of walking around as someone I'm not merely to fit in to my surroundings.

Who am I kidding...I can't even fake an attitude like that. I guess that's why it ain't working so well for me.

3 more years and I'm outta that city quicker than you can say "Cantor Fishbein."

I get so excited when envisioning my office in my Midwestern synagogue, my Katchko books and Shireinu stacked neatly on a bookshelf while I make millions of photocopies for my volunteer choir and argue with the rabbi about what to sing for Friday night's service before settling in for an afternoon of B'nai Mitzvah students who probably haven't practiced since last week's lesson...

Someday.

My Boys

Every now and then, friends come into your life that totally change your life and your perspective on the world. For me, these friends are my boys, Mike and Joey.

Me, Mike and Joey at the top of the Empire State Building at midnight on a Wednesday night

We have an incredibly special and unique relationship in that we've never, ever lived in the same city or part of the country. Therefore, our get-togethers are always fun and special. We met almost 5 years ago when we sat at the same dinner table on a cruise ship to the Caribbean. We bonded immediately, and since then have traveled to see each other several times within the last five years. I've gone to visit them in Orange County, California, where they live, and they've come to see me in St Louis and now NYC, and our families even cruised to Alaska together a few summers ago. Our time together is incredibly precious to me and always ends too soon, but it's fun to look forward to upcoming adventures together and know that things will be exactly as they always are no matter how much time has passed.

M&J had never been to NYC before this week, so showing them around and discovering new things with them was incredibly fun and uplifting. I'm not the biggest fan of New York (I know, you'd never have guessed...) and being able to run around and see the city through their eyes was inspiring. I still don't love it, but now even little things will remind me of our time together and therefore, make me a little happier to be here.

We did all kinds of things, and a LOT of walking around and looking at the amazing architecture of the city. So often I ignore the beauty all around me--it's easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle and run right past it on my way to the subway. We did a lot of touristy stuff that I'd never done before, including a Circle Line cruise, a trip to Ellis Island and Lady Liberty, and an elevator ride to the top of the Empire State Building (which was done at midnight on the first night of Pesach...possibly one of the coolest Pesach experiences I've ever had--there's something about being on an 86th floor observatory in the cool night air that is very freeing and refreshing.) We also ate waaaaay too much good food (the boys love to eat...ok, so do I...) and had our first NYC celebrity sighting. Angela Landsbury was coming out of a show she'd just performed in, so we joined the crowd and started taking pictures.

In addition to running around, we took the time to have some amazing conversations about God and religion. I love talking about these things, especially with these guys whose religious views are somewhat skewed due to various life experiences. I love sharing my perspectives and listening to theirs, and we all open ourselves up to ideas we may not agree with or particularly care for. Nevertheless, it is discussions like these that stimulate and refresh my own Judaism, and remind me of why I chose to be a part of this sect of Judaism. After an intense semester, with a lot of disappointments and struggles, I needed to talk about God and why I chose to follow a Jewish lifestyle and career in such an open and loving environment.

Angela Landsbury! She's in the khaki coat.

NYC from the top of the Empire State Building

My boyfriends. It's true love for sure :)

I truly believe that every single, straight girl needs at least one good gay boyfriend to survive in this world. I'm lucky enough to have a pair of them who love and adore me like none other. And I kinda love them too :)

Thanks, guys, for a great week...meet you at Junior's at midnight for some latkes and red velvet!

Placement is Over!

For the last couple of weeks, many SSM students have been focusing hard on one of the most stressful aspects of the school year: student placement. Those of us who decided to leave our current student cantor positions in search of something new for next year spent the last 2 weeks prepping, choosing music, studying potential congregations, fixing our resumes, and deciding which congregations to interview with. Finally, the day comes when we audition and interview with these congregations in hopes that we'll be "matched" with a congregation that we like who also likes us.

Placement day, or "Yom Hadin" (Judgement Day, as we've taken to calling it) is a crazy day of singing, interviewing, and waiting around anxiously. The congregational representatives first gather together in the chapel for a "concert" of cantorial students, where each of us sings 2 pieces of our choosing. One of the chosen pieces is to be a congregrational melody, in which we're to invite our "congregation" to sing with us. The other is to be a more serious cantorial solo which showcases our "skillz" as a cantor. I chose to sing Meir Finkelstein's V'Shamru paired with Max Janowski's Tavo L'fanecha. It was a good pair of 2 very different pieces that each showcase my abilities in different ways.

After the concert, there is a short lunch break followed by an afternoon of interviewing. Each congregation is in a different HUC classroom, and have 20-minute interviews with each of the students who choose to interview with them. I interviewed with 6 congregations. It's always interesting to see which congregations and rabbis you like right off the bat; you can usually tell whether or not you want a job within the first minute or 2 of an interview.

At the end of the day, I walked out of the room with 4 congregations that I really, really liked. From there, we email our top choices in order to the Josee, our Placement Director. The congregations do the same, and a few days later Josee matches us according to who liked who.

I was incredibly happy with my results, and was one of the lucky ones who recieved exactly the congregation I wanted to work with. I'll be working at Temple Beth Israel of York, Pennsylvania, visiting twice a month. I couldn't be more thrilled about this outcome, or more excited to serve this congregation on a more regular basis than a monthly job provides. AND--I have family of family as members! My Uncle Harold's cousins are members, so I'll have my own mishpacha as part of my congregational mishpacha.

As happy as I am with the results, it was an incredibly tense and stressful week that did not yield good results for everyone. With the enconomy in the state it's in, there were more students looking for jobs than jobs looking for students, and there were people who did not get placed for next year. One of those people is one of my very best friends in this program. On Wednesday, when we found out our results, I can not tell you how hard it was to be happy while watching this friend walk away, not able to look me or anyone else in the eye. We all know that student placement is a numbers game, and not recieving a congregation is not necessarily a reflection of performance or ability, but it's easy to take such a result personally. It was incredibly hard to be happy on Wednesday night, despite my exciting results. Knowing that you got an awesome job while your good friend is feeling awful about herself makes it difficult to celebrate your own successes.

The next day, I recieved a message from this friend on my phone when I came up from the subway. She just wanted to congratulate me and tell me there were no hard feelings. I knew all along that she wasn't angry with me and that her hard feelings would soften in time, but it was so noble of her to call me so soon. I've learned huge lessons in humility and kindness from this one phone call, and I hope she knows how much I appreciate her strength.

To this sweet friend, and you know who you are: You are an amazing cantor--you always have been, and you always will be. There is no doubt in my mind that something wonderful is coming your way, something far and above what you wanted in this first round. Thanks for using this to teach me the meaning of friendship and humility.

Flashbacks

Taken from the Mamilla Mall, a stone's throw from HUC-Jerusalem

Monday morning, as I was walking to the subway, this song came onto my iPod. It was a song featured on the end-of-the-year slideshow/movie that my friend and rabbinic colleague David made last year, that we watched on our final Shabbat together in Israel. Ever since I heard it on Monday, I've been having insane flashbacks to last year, leading me into a state of "God-I-wish-I-was-still-in-Israel." So many things have occurred throughout this week to make me long for the Holy Land, for the year and the place and the people that I feel so far removed from. Here's a list of those things:

First of all, as I was heating up the corned beef and cabbage I made for dinner on Tuesday, I was hit with an insane craving for non other than last year's meal of choice: Aruchat Boker. This breakfast of deliciousness consists of 2 eggs, homemade bread with cheeses and jam, a huge cucumber and tomato salad, a tiny bowl of tuna, avocado, or yogurt with fruit, fresh juice and a coffee of your choosing. I ate this meal at least 5 times a week, for breakfast, lunch and/or dinner. Yes, there were many days when I ate it two times a day. And it was delish every time. I'm salavating just thinking about the deliciousness...and still craving it. Anyone want to run to J'lem to devour one with me?

A not-so-tasty-looking but complete version of Aruchat Boker from my favorite place in J'lem--Cup O'Joe, located 5 minutes from my apartment. God I miss this food.

Then, in Hebrew class, I was asking my friend Hannah a question (in Hebrew, as part of the class) and I accidentally called her "Chani." Chani was the wonderful woman who waxed our eyebrows in Israel, in the cutest little salon called Shampoo. She was adorable; every time we went, we'd have conversations in Hebrew, and she'd talk to us like she'd talk to any other Israeli, and when we didn't understand something (which was pretty often) she'd say it in another way so we could understand. She'd tell us all about her family, her life in Israel, her service in the army, etc., and she was excited about the fact that we were aspiring cantors/rabbis for the Reform movement. I miss her even now, and the Vietnamese lady down the street who waxes my eyebrows can never compare to her.

Yesterday was Founder's Day at HUC, so we had a special morning service to commemorate those people who've helped to keep the school up and running for all these years. Julia was the cantor for the service, and requested that the 5 of us sing something together. We ended up singing the Jack Gottlieb "Eytz Chayim" that we learned together last year, and as we stood around the ark, I couldn't help but think back to our final service of the year in Israel. We sang the same piece, in nearly the same formation then, and to sing it again in New York was a strange kind of deja vu (it was also lovely to sing together again as the 5 of us, since we rarely get the opportunity to do so here.)

The last morning service of the year in Israel, as the 5 of us sang the Gottlieb "Eytz Chayim" surrounded by our classmates and friends.

For shabbat tonight, even though I had no special plans with anyone (which was just fine by me) I decided to go all out and purchase a mini loaf of challah and a bottle of wine. I covered the challah with the beautiful purple challah cover I bought in Baca (a neighborhood of J'lem) on a beautiful spring day. As I stared at the candles, sipped the sweet wine, and nibbled a little too much of the challah, I couldn't help but get sentimental about the amazing year I had last year. I missed Steph (esp because we talked on the phone as I ate my dinner) and thought about Judi and Nancy and Eli and Tamar and all of the wonderful people I left behind. I tasted the Marzipan rugelah that I grew so tired of last year. I thought about the table I'd be sitting around if I were there, a table of laughter and amazing food and "The Bean Skit" and z'mirot. I remembered the faces of the students at the other campuses, who I thought I'd keep in good touch with thanks to the internet.

I think part of what bugs me about being here rather than in J'lem is the lack of amazing things that happen everyday as a natural part of life. Instead of seeing the walls of the Old City on my way to class, I see graffiti and subway signs. It's a little depressing when I let myself think about it. I also miss the huge amount of personal growth that occured last year; I haven't lost any of what I learned about myself and Judaism since being here, but things have definitely slowed down.

Bottom line? I can't wait to go back. I have a Keep the Change account with my bank, and I think I'm going to call it the "Tracy-needs-some-aruchat-boker-and-amazing-scenery-and-the-feeling-of-Israel--so-I-should-save-this-money-for-my-plane-ticket" account. At this rate, it'll only take me 10 years to save up enough for a ticket!

In other very exciting news, I just found out that I am going to have a new cousin! A huge mazal tov to Whitney and Adam! I am so excited for you both (as long as you don't have the baby on one of the High Holy Days so I can sing at the bris, we'll be cool :))

For Once, A Happy Post!

A sign found yesterday on Broadway, adjacent to HUC-NYC. I found it to be hysterically funny...only in New York!

You know those times when you have so much going on that it seems impossible to try to narrow it down into one blog post, but you don't have the motivation to waste your lovely Sunday afternoon writing 2 or more? Yeah, that's where I am today.

Thank God March is here, and that it brought some happier times (and warmer temps!) February was not pretty, and I am SO GLAD it's in the past so I can concentrate on springtime! Of course, I had some help to get me through the dreary month of February...

This lovely little gem of a chocolate pizza from Max Brenner's, shared with Adam and his friend Dan when Adam was in town helping me to rid my apartment of mice. Chill out, guys...I had one piece and it was worth every single calorie!

A chocolate martini, the one alcoholic beverage I drank during the month of February...compared to my half-bottles of wine that I drank nearly every night before bedtime when adjusting to NYC this summer, I'd say I did pretty well last month.

Thank God for little brothers. Adam came up the night of Valentine's Day to help me tackle the mice problem (and we've been winning, thus far!) We got to spend almost a week together, and had a good time touring Chelsea Market, Times Square, and St Marks Place. I'm incredibly lucky to have a little brother who's as good to me as Adam is. Thanks, schmucky :)

I was also priviliged to sing in Lisa's senior recital on liturgical jazz music. This recital was truly one of the highlights of my scholastic month, and a wonderful getaway from my Nusach-heavy semester. Lisa (in the gold dress, obviously) did an amazing job, and the music was fun, beautiful and interesting. Pictured, from left to right: Lisa, Mary, me, Jaime, Josh.

So, that was Feburary. What's up for March?

More Recitals!
Last week, Arik gave his recital over the music of Moishe Oysher, which was incredibly entertaining and quite the spectacle. We were lucky to listen to Arik's amazing talent, along with the talents of several of the male cantorial faculty at HUC. Since we'd never really gotten to hear these chazzanim sing before, it was quite a thrill. I loved how the Yiddish music of this recital appealed to all of us wannabe cantors, and would so easily appeal to synagogue and even secular audiences. I'm excited to try to find some of Oysher's movies and learn more about him through his acting and chazzanut.

This week, I am participating in another recital based on portraying the Cantor as Educator. We're singing some really lovely pieces, and Zoe (the 5th year presenting the recital) is a doll to work with.

There are a few more recitals throughout the remainder of the semester, and I have to say that I have had so much fun watching and/or participating in them. They absolutely inspire me to begin thinking about my own recital (3 years from now...) and how much I am looking forward to putting so much time and energy into one specific topic.

Guitar Lessons!
Have I mentioned before that I'm taking guitar lessons this semester? It's a requirement of all HUC-trained cantors that we can learn how to play enough guitar to accompany ourselves on simple congregational tunes in front of a congregation. I'm taking lessons with my friend and rabbinical student colleage, Evan, and I am having a great time with it. Who knew I could actually learn to play guitar (considering my 2 failed attempts in college and after...) and actually enjoy it? I know about 10 chords thus far, and I am working on strumming and finger picking patterns. It's a good skill to have as a cantor (really, as any Jewish professional) so I'm excited to be working on it.

Student Placement
AKA, the bane of my existence. This is where things start to turn sour. As much as I've loved working at my congregation this year, I decided to bite the bullet and enter into student placement for a new congregation for next year. With the economy in the state it's in right now, many congregations have decided they don't need a student cantor anymore, therefore causing a shortage in jobs for next year. There are 20 students applying for roughly 12 positions, and everyone is applying for pretty much everything based solely on the fact that they need a job for next year. It's scary to leave a perfectly great job knowing that I might not have a job at all next year. However, I attended services this past Friday night at the congregation I'd really like to work for next year, and I realized that I need to take this risk, to leave what is stable and comfortable to find something that is going to push me, beat the hell out of me, and fulfill me musically. I probably won't get this particular job, based on my experience and the fact that so many incredibly talented people are also applying, but it's a risk I'm willing to take. Auditions/interviews are one week from today (eeeek!) so we'll see what happens.

What else is going on? I don't even know. It's been a crazy month of March, but a much happier one than I could have predicted a month ago. I'm looking forward to 3 more visits to South Bend, a visit from my favorite boys in the entire world, a trip home for the last part of Pesach, and whatever else will be thrown my way throughout the rest of the semester.

Hope you're all well and enjoying this introduction to springtime!

Chag Purim Sameach!

Hi y'all...I'm sorry I haven't posted a real update in about a million years, but I'm hoping to do so this weekend. Until then, I wanted to share the Purim spiel video made by some of my 4th year rabbinic classmates. It highlights some of our favorite things about HUC-NYC, including the crazy rule that you have to be "buzzed up" to the 3rd floor library.

Keep an eye out for familiar faces...my favorite is rapper extraordinaire Cantor Benjie Schiller.

I hope you all had a wonderful Purim and life is good :)

Psalm 126

הַזֹּרְעִים בְּדִמְעָה בְּרִנָּה יִקְצֹרוּ
הָלוֹךְ יֵלֵךְ, וּבָכֹה נֹשֵׂא מֶשֶׁךְ-הַזָּרַע:
בֹּא-יָבֹא בְרִנָּה נֹשֵׂא, אֲלֻמֹּתָיו

Y'all know this verse from Psalm 126, even if you can't read the Hebrew.

"Those who sow in tears will reap in joy.
Though they go on their way weeping that they bear the measure of seed, they shall come home with joy, bearing their sheaves."

These words have been running through my mind in the last couple of weeks.
Weeks that have tested my strength and will in ways I never imagined.

Nothing is actually all that terrible; I've caught some mice, I'm working hard to keep my apartment as clean as I can so they stay away, I've been singing well and working hard in school, and I'm heading to Boston this weekend to visit a good friend.

For whatever reason, it's been hard to kick this funk that I've been in, and hard to find a way to appreciate New York City again. I'm trying really, really hard, which I think might actually be a part of the problem. Sometimes trying too hard results in exhaustion, which is easy enough to come by in a city like NYC. I'm playing with the idea that I might never be happy with New York, but it might be possible to find happiness within it. We'll see if I can strike that balance eventually.

For now, I just think of these times as the seeds I have to row in tears.
Knowing without a doubt that eventually I will reap in joy that will be sweeter than any joy I've experienced before.
And that confidence keeps me going, along with my good friends and amazing family.

For whatever reason, I used to think that the Bible was something people needed to turn to in times of real trouble: sickness, war, life-changing bad events, etc. I've learned that there is no shame in finding comfort from the words on the page, and from the belief that God really will take care of those of us sowing in tears, for reasons large and/or small. I know my life is nothing to be complaining about right now in comparison to others I know who are fighting illness or financial woes. I've come to realize, however, that the point of the Bible is to help those of us who need it, despite how big or small our problems may be.

Even if that help just comes from the ability to cry things out, or smile in relief.

Thank you all for your love and kind words in the last few weeks. You have no idea how much you've helped.
I'll be out of this soon, I promise.

For now, I'm gonna keep on keepin' on.

Rough Times

I'm not gonna lie--it's been a rough couple of weeks around here.

As the days pass by, I grow to hate New York City more and more and more.
I've wondered if what I've chosen to do with my life is worth putting up with this city that I hate for 3 1/2 more years.
I've spent more time contemplating the rabbinical program in Cincinnati. At least then I'd be closer to home, in an environment that is so much more ME, with Steph and Nicole and others who love me.
Except I'd be studying a field I'm not passionate about, and I'd graduate with a piece of paper that says I can do something I don't really want to be doing.

It's been a rough couple of weeks. Between mice in my apartment that I can't catch, being chewed out by a professor on music I thought I knew well, making a fool out of myself several times in classes (which is why I should never speak up or volunteer myself to do things) and continuously trying and failing to keep up with the pace and rudeness and one-sided people in New York, I'm almost at the end of my rope.

I've also discovered that mice terrify me.
That my living space, the one place that always used to offer me peace and calm, is no longer what it used to be.
I've been scared out of my mind to be at home, for fear of finding a mouse on one of the glue traps and then having to kill it myself and get it out of the apartment.
Because that's what the exterminator said I had to do.
But I am equally scared of being on the streets of New York, alone and fed up with the never-ending tension.
I have no safe space besides HUC, and this week, it hasn't been such a safe space.

It took every ounce of courage I had to not run out of the chapel in tears the other day, when I couldn't sing more than a few measures without doing something very wrong.
But I didn't run out. I kept going, even though I never did sing the pieces the way the professor wanted me to.

I guess that's what you have to do sometimes.
Just keep going even when you know it's not right.
Because maybe, just maybe, a small piece of it IS right.
Or maybe, it just isn't right for that particular period of time, and it can only get better.

Very deep down, I know I'm supposed to be here.
And deep down, I know it will all be worthwhile.

I'm trying really hard to be positive and look forward to all the exciting things that await me this week.
My Feldenkrais lesson on Monday.
My guitar lesson on Tuesday.
My voice lesson on Friday.
No work this week.
Seeing my girls every day, laughing with them, forgetting for a second how much I hate it here.
My coaching with Benjie--where we'll work on my nusach for comps--which helps me feel like less of a nusach disaster, like I actually have a shot in hell of actually passing my exams.

I'm going to go work on my 2-3 grade curriculum for my Cantor as Educator class, because it's what I need to do today.

Happy Valentine's Day.
Shabbat shalom.

A Night of Hope and Learning

Some of you probably remember the story of Tikva, the daughter of my friends Dave (a rabbinical student) and Gal. Sadly, she passed away on August 7, just shy of turning 2 months old, of complications from a congenital diaphragmatic hernia diagnosed in-utero while we were all in Israel together.

To honor her life and the Hope and Love she brought into the world, our entire 2nd year class had a stateside-campus wide night of hope and learning. Each campus shared a teaching written by Dave himself and had a faculty member make a presentation on the Jewish views on hope. We also shared stories, songs and of course good food with each other, and took a break from our all-too-busy schedules to enjoy each other's company for an evening. I was honored as being one of the chairpersons for the NYC event.

As soon as I heard this event would take place, I started thinking about the perfect song to honor Tikva and her life. However, after searching high and low I knew the perfect song didn't exist and we'd either have to go without or find someone to write it. I was blessed to sing a piece written by Cantor Jonathan Comisar on a friend's recital, and I knew the second I heard it that Jonathan's songwriting would be the perfect compliment to our night of learning. Right before our winter break, I pulled him aside to ask if he would be interested in writing a song for the event. He was quick to say yes, and took the time to learn about Tikva and her family through Dave and Gal's blogs. He then went to work writing the PERFECT song for the evening; it was a fantastic and beautiful way to end our night of hope and learning, and I am both thrilled and honored to have had a small part in the creation and singing of this piece.

Sadly, I wasn't able to come for the entire evening, as my plane from Detroit had engine troubles and returned to Detroit halfway through the flight (it was a South Bend weekend.) I am thankful that I was able to come for what I could and share the song that Jonathan so beautifully wrote.

Please ignore my babble in the beginning (at some point in time my public speaking skills MUST be improved...any suggestions on how to do this?) and my horrible singing. I'd just come back to the city, after hours of traveling and 3 different airplanes.

These are the opportunities I am the most grateful for, where I know that, despite mistakes, I am giving my truest-self to my community. It was an honor to be touched by Tikva's life and the joy and beauty that came along with it.

Please enjoy the video, and say a prayer for a r'fua sh'lema--a complete healing--of the souls of my sweet friends Dave and Gal as their hearts continue to mend after their heartbreak.

There comes a time in the life of every New Yorker where she has to face the inevitable...

A mouse.

In her apartment.

Crawling around in her trash, her food, her oven, God knows what.

That particular New Yorker has to travel to South Bend this weekend and will be gone until late Sunday night. She is more than slightly terrified that she'll come home to a whole slew of mice in every corner of every single room.

It's nights like this where that New Yorker wants nothing more than to move back to St Louis, where mice don't care so much for the suburbs where she lives, with her car and dishwasher.

So much for doing my Bible reading.
Or sleeping, for that matter.

Can I be invested already so I can get the hell out of here?