Blog Sameach

September 11, 2001--Ten Years Later

2011-09-11T09:06:00.003-04:00

Many of you who know me know that I am someone who does not watch the news on a regular basis. It's difficult for me to absorb all of the sadness, the despair, the cruelty, the destruction, and the suffering that occur in our world on a regular basis. I DO care about the world around me, and I like to know what's going on; but it's hard to watch these terrible things happen, knowing there is so much behind the madness that I could will understand and so little I can really do to help. Whenever I hear about the terrible events that occur in the world, I'm forced to question the very core my belief system, that God and prayer and time and the goodness of humankind can solve any problem. Though I know it's both perfectly healthy and very Jewish to be confused about such beliefs, it's uncomfortable to be shaken up in this way, especially when I have to help others through their own confusion. I know I don't need to have all the answers and I know that I actually bring some comfort to people when I can admit that I'm just as confused about my beliefs as they are. We're all human beings, after all. But still, I want to help the people around me believe as strongly as I do that the world makes sense, and that God, prayer, time and the goodness of humankind really can make this world a better place.

Being in New York City on September 11, 2011--10 years after our country was shaken and devastated in a way none of us have ever experienced--feels so different than any other anniversary of that terrible day. There have been threats of another terrorist attack on the city at some point this weekend/week, and those who were here 10 years ago are noticeably frightened. At my voice lesson on Friday in Midtown Manhattan, my teacher turned around to the window with every siren that went by. I couldn't help but see the fear in her eyes and hear the sighs of both worry and relief as the sirens faded. As I drove to New Jersey with friends yesterday, cars and trucks were being pulled over and searched as they made their way into and out of the city. All weekend New Yorkers on the streets have seemed to be more concerned than normal about the people and packages on the streets around them. Everyone is nervous that someone might happen--everyone knows how easily something COULD happen.

Last week's Torah portion, Ki Teitze, teaches us that we can not be indifferent to the world around us. We need to think of ourselves, of course, but we also need to care for the simplest beings--human, land and animal--all around us. In this week's Torah portion, Ki Tavo, we are taught what to do when we enter the promised land of Israel and how we can appropriately thank God for arriving safely to this place. Today, I find myself caught between the messages of the 2 portions: the nagging realization that I can not be indifferent to--or simply forget--the upsetting events that shake me, along with the reminder to be thankful to God for this land I am blessed to live in. I am thinking also of the many deeds of lovingkindness that occur out of events as tragic as 9/11. Perhaps it is the perfect timing of these two Torah portions with this important anniversary that moves me to see these honorable acts of humanity all the more clearly and to pay more attention to everything that surrounds me.

Yes, there is sadness and destruction. Yes, there is hurt and desperation. No, I can not fix everything. But I can do something, many things, to work towards peace in whatever large or small ways I can. I hold this to be true. THIS I can preach and believe in with unwavering faith.

As we drove home from New Jersey to Astoria last night, my friends and I couldn't help but notice the pillars of light that shine nightly where the towers once stood. We rode past in a moment of silence, thinking of how all of us and our country have changed since that painful day 10 years ago. I was struck by the images of the lights coming out of the darkness--the lights of hope, of faith, of perseverance. I pray that each of us can resemble those lights, allowing the horrific events of 10 years ago to inspire us to shine ever more brightly, to see the goodness that arises even in the worst of times, and to do what we can to build a more peaceful world.

May we remember always.

Hurricane Irene = Sunny Day Irene

2011-08-28T11:06:00.003-04:00

Thanks for keeping up with me through the storm, folks. I'm okay! Turns out that it was more of a scare than anything, which is always a good thing. I'm currently hanging out at my friend Marsha's apartment, where I've been since about 6pm last night--we've had some heavy rain and rough winds, but our power in intact and we are perfectly safe. The sun is trying to peek out of the clouds as a means of telling us the worst is over. A few Astoria friends have already contacted me about meeting up for dinner later to celebrate the disaster that wasn't.

Marsha has truly been the hostess with the mostess--she made me DELICIOUS baked spinach ziti for dinner, provided me with a very comfortable couch to sleep on, and is now hard at work making me banana pancakes for breakfast as I blog and sip my iced coffee. I'm feeling incredibly blessed and lucky this morning to have such good friends in the area who help me to feel safe and secure in troubling times. It's really hitting me that a.) a year ago, I would have been alone right now and b.) I'll be leaving all of these wonderful people in less than a year. I'm so blessed to have finally found a community and made a life for myself, so I'm trying to push the negative thoughts out of my head and focus on the blessings that are abundant in my life right now. I'm feeling SO, SO fortunate that it doesn't make any sense to think about anything else besides gratitude.

I woke up singing the new melody for Psalm 150 that I learned at Kallah. How appropriate for "everything that breathes" to praise God on a day like today. I know I am breathing in all of the friendship, love and many blessings in my life.

And breathing out a huge sigh of relief.

Come On, Irene

2011-08-27T10:42:00.005-04:00

So, you may have heard there's a little storm coming our way.

This post is mainly to assure everyone who might be worried (and it turns out there are a lot of you...thank you for your care and concern) that I'm okay for now. I've taken all of the necessary precautions and stocked up on important items: water, food, batteries, flashlights, chocolate, etc. I've shut my windows tightly, done lots of laundry, and charged up my computers and phones to full power. I've printed out emergency numbers and NYC's recommendations for what to do if/when the hurricane strikes--the printouts are sitting safely on my dresser, as far from the window as can be.

I am NOT in an evacuation zone. Trust me when I tell you that if I were, I'd be typing this post from somewhere else. I strongly considered getting out of dodge, especially when I had a zillion gracious offers from people in York, DC and Jersey. If I thought I needed to leave, I'd leave--I'm no fool. I've been checking with some friends in the neighborhood who are also sticking around, and I will join them for the evening if a.) I'm really feeling scared/alone and b.) I can safely leave my apartment to get to them. The fact that they'll be staying in the neighborhood, whether or not I'll physically be with them during the storm, is actually a great comfort to me. In addition, it seems as though most of my neighborhood is sticking around to weather the storm; no one seems panicked, though they're taking precautions just as I am.

If I've learned anything the last few days, it's that I have a whole lotta people who love me and want me to be safe. I've had countless emails, phone calls, texts, tweets, and Facebook messages demanding that I get my butt outta here and/or reminding me to buy enough necessities for the coming days. I've had offers from people to come and stay with them (and stay as long as need be.) I've had friends/family who've asked that I stay in constant contact when the storm hits. It's incredibly wonderful to know that I have so much love and support--it makes riding out the storm alone seem a little less lonely. It's nice to be reminded of how much I am cared for, even when people--my mother, mostly--are screaming at me to get on a plane and come home.

It's also nice to know that, finally, I have a community of people right here in Astoria who I can lean on if things get really bad. That might be the most reassuring thing of all for a variety of reasons.

As it turns out, FEMA is instructing people to use social media as a means of contacting friends and family, rather than tying up the phone lines. I plan on posting to both Facebook and Twitter (you don't have to be a member of Twitter to follow me...just go to http://twitter.com/#!/tlf1982) as often as possible, so I ask that you please check those sites before calling my cell phone.

Thank you all again for your love and thoughtfulness. I love you for loving me so much, and for being the caring people that you are.

Until next time, I leave us all with the following prayer for weathering the storms--both the physical and the personal: Blessed are You, Source of Life and Nature, whose awesome power and strength fill our world and inspire us to be strong in the face of all of life's difficulties.

Summer 2011

2011-08-20T22:50:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow is my last first day of school. Ever.

Today is my last day of "official" summer vacation as a student. Ever.

Today was my last day of freedom, the last day of this wonderful summer that has helped me learn how to love the amazing city I've lived in for the last 3 years. I started the day with brunch at a fantastic Moroccan restaurant in St Mark's Place with friends, followed by shopping, a flash-mob in Union Square, more shopping, Sarah's Key at the Paris movie theater, and Mexican food in Turtle Bay. It was the perfect New York day; beautiful weather, great friends, good eats, lots of laughter and culture. I'm already wishing I could go back and relive this day, and it's not even completely over yet.

As I departed from my friends after dinner, I took some time to walk around the city alone before heading home. I thought about how the many ways this summer has changed me; for the first time ever, I can actually see myself spending a little more time here after I'm done with school. I have finally found a circle of friends that give me the love, support, and social life I've been craving the last 3 years. I've been dating and meeting new people and seeing all kinds of amazing sites. I've learned how to appreciate the beauty all around me in this city--the architecture, the lights, the diversity, the culture, the energy. Now that I'm preparing myself to leave, I've fallen in love with the life I've built for myself in the city I was always excited to move away from.

I know I still have 10 months to enjoy and experience NYC, which I plan to do to the fullest. However, I can't help but feel a little sad that this amazing 3 months has not only passed by so quickly, but has come to an end. Tomorrow, as I hop on the bus for my 4th and final HUC Kallah, my carefree days of exploring will be over and real life will begin once again.

More than anything, however, I'm feeling so thankful for the last 3 months and the friends I've shared them with. It feels really, really good to have found my peace with New York City and come to realize how and why so many people love it here. Could I ever stay here permanently? I doubt it. I'm happy to know, though, that I'll always look back on my time here and smile--mostly because of this amazing summer. This summer has been an incredible blessing, and I pray the good energy carries over into this (big) school year.

Fourth Year Highlights

2011-08-13T13:36:00.006-04:00

I wish I had the time to talk all about my fourth year of cantorial school in detail. Since I don't, however, I'll share some highlights (and one particularly awful low-light) with you. This year was huge in terms of professional and academic growth, but for the most part, I'd like to talk about the moments that made me the most proud, thankful, and happy.

Debbie Friedman (z"l) Concert

On November 6, 2010, I was privileged to sing in a concert at Temple Israel in celebration of the newest rabbis. The concert featured none other than my friend and teacher Debb ie Friedman. Debbie was a professor at HUC-NYC until this past school year, when she returned to Los Angeles to be closer to her family. When I found out that she'd be performing at my home congregation the same week as I'd be visiting for my cousin's bridal shower, I emailed her to ask if I could join her on the bimah for the concert. Being the sweet soul that she was, she graciously agreed and allowed me to sing an ENTIRE song with her playing guitar in the background. The entire time, I expected to sing WITH Debbie, not IN PLACE of Debbie--to sing her song "Mourning Into Dancing" by myself, with her smiling and kvelling at me in front of so many people from my home congregation, was a thrill and honor I'll never forget.

Performing at Temple Israel with Debbie Friedman z"l

Debbie passed away rather suddenly from pneumonia on January 9, 2011. The loss that the entire Jewish community suffered when she died is still radiating through our veins; there isn't a day that passes that I don't think of Debbie, or miss her terribly. Her passing makes me even more grateful that I had the wonderful opportunity to learn from her, to sing with her, to connect with her on so many levels, and to play and sing her songs. My life is forever changed because of the impact she had on me and my Jewish identity, musical and otherwise, and she will forever be an angel that guides me through everything I do.

Julius Chajes Practicum

I must admit that when I received my practicum assignment at the end of my third year, I was terribly disappointed to have been given a composer I'd never heard of. I was hoping to sing the music and dive into the life of Charles Davidson, or Max Helfman, or another composer I was actually familiar with. However, as soon as I heard the opening riffs of Chajes' beautiful compositions, I fell in love. His writing style so beautifully described the Israeli deserts and "Palestinian Nights" the texts spoke of. I shared this practicum with my classmate Michelle, and we both agreed that the work we did with the choir, cellist, clarinetist, organist, and pianist was so worthwhile in the end. There is much I could say about what I learned from singing Chajes' exquisite music, but I'd rather leave you with a video of my performance of "By the rivers of Babylon." I must say, I really earned my stripes with this piece, and while I know it's pitchy in spots, I'm proud of my performance and to have this piece solidly stored in my repertoire. (I'm sorry it's sideways, BTW...I couldn't figure out how to rotate it.)

"By the rivers of Babylon", composed by Julius Chajes, accompanied by pianist Joyce Rosenzweig and cellist Elizabeth Thompson

Wandering Jews of Astoria

This year, I have been incredibly active with the Wandering Jews of Astoria, a 20-30's group of Jews that meet for a monthly Shabbat service and potluck dinner, as well as a few social events throughout the year. I feel extremely lucky to be a part of this group, which has helped me to make wonderful friends in Astoria and feel like an integral part of the community. For the first time ever, I feel as though I have a core group of friends that has nothing to do with Hebrew Union College, people I can call upon should an emergency arise (God forbid!) or I need help with anything. In March, I hosted a Shabbat minyan in my apartment, where I somehow fit 22-people in my apartment and everyone made it out alive. I've taken on the role of t'fillah coordinator/teacher, in which I help those who are not comfortable leading a Shabbat service learn how to do so. It's a fun role for me to take on, and I love knowing that the minyan will be able to continue on even after the HUC members graduate and move away from the area.

Wandering Jews Chanukah party

Michael, myself and Marsha (all proud Wandering Jews) at the Mets game

Graduation

At the end of our fourth year, all HUC-NYC rabbinic and cantorial students graduate with their Masters degrees. This year, I was proud to walk across the stage at Temple Emanu-el as I earned my Masters in Sacred Music degree from the Debbie Friedman School of Sacred Music of Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion. As we prepared for the ceremony, most of us went in thinking the ceremony would amount to, "Mazal tov, you have another year of school, a thesis to write, and a recital to prepare before you actually become anything of importance! Good for you!" I think we were all surprised to find that the ceremony was actually beautiful, and that we all felt excited and optimistic about the exciting year ahead. While none of my family members were able to attend the ceremony, I was tremendously honored by the presence of "The Barbaras"--the president and immediate past-president of Temple Beth Israel, my student congregation in York, PA. The evening turned out to be very special, and I'm glad that our attitudes changed as the ceremony progressed.

After 4 years together, we have Masters Degrees in Sacred Music!

Hava Nashira

These Hebrew words, meaning, "Come, let us sing!" are actually the name of a program held every summer at Olin-Sang-Ruby Union Institute (OSRUI) in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin. Founded by Debbie Friedman, Hava Nashira is a yearly gathering of songleaders, cantors, and Jewish music lovers from around the country. Together, we sing (a LOT), learn, teach and network with those who love Jewish music as much as we all do. It was truly an honor to attend this conference this year and to learn from the leaders in contemporary Jewish music

. I took one-on-one workshops with Cantor Jeff Klepper (Shalom Rav, anyone?), Peter and Ellen Allard, Cantor Ellen Dreskin, Josh Nelson, Merri Lovinger Arian, and Shira Kline (with special appearances by other amazing teachers) and learned more than I could possibly imagine.

Vicky, Benjie, Julia and I after lunch at Hava Nashira

The most amazing part of Hava Nashira, however, was Shabbat. Far and away, this was the most amazing Shabbat experience I've ever participated in; there was so much energy, so much spirituality, so much love and singing and appreciation of being Jewish that it was impossible to hold back our emotion. As I looked around the room, which was practically buzzing from the energy of our incredible harmonies, I saw tears falling down almost everyones cheeks (including my own.) I wish I could share some of that with you in some way, but unless you're there for yourself, words or recordings or descriptions can't do justice to such an amazing Shabbat.

There are so many other things I could talk about in this post, like the amazing summer I've had in New York City, but I will save them for another day. Hopefully, year 5 will be discussed much more thoroughly, on a much more regular basis!

Blog Resurrection

2011-08-13T13:20:00.003-04:00

I can't believe it's been over a year since I last posted here. It seemed that for awhile during my 3rd year of school, my life became rather monotonous: school, work, study, repeat. I didn't have nearly as much to say as I once did, when life in Israel and my first year in NYC were so exciting and new. While I was always experiencing new things through HUC and my pulpit work, none of them seemed particularly blog-worthy or special, thus I lost my motivation to write about them.

Now, however, life seems to be taking a dramatic turn once again. Or at least it will, as my last year of school begins and I transition from cantorial student to fully invested (or--as it would seem--ordained) cantor. This year feels different from any other; it's my last year as a student, and in some ways, it feels like my last year as a "kid." From this point forward, life will become all about grown-up things: thesis, recital, job-hunting, saying goodbye, moving and starting over yet again. Now that I think about it, it almost feels the same as when I was preparing to leave for Israel, when a whole new chapter of my life was about to begin, when I had no idea what the future would hold or where the next 5 years would take me. What a journey it's been, and what I journey it will continue to be as I work, study and sing my way through my last year of cantorial school.

I'm sure this year is going to bring big things professionally and personally, in ways I've never experienced before. For so many reasons, I hope you'll join me as I close the HUC chapter of my life and open myself up to whatever comes my way from this point forward.

My Theology of Pastoral Care

2010-07-23T07:40:00.002-04:00

As one of our classroom assignments for CPE, we had to write a paper about how our theology has changed (if at all) from the beginning of the unit. We were each required to read aloud and lead a class discussion on our papers in class. These discussions were, not surprisingly, incredible. This is the paper I presented, showing not only how my relationship with God has changed, but also how I have grown into a Pastoral Care Giver over the last 8 weeks.

Prior to stepping into the Health Care Chaplaincy building on June 3, I honestly believed that CPE would be a program geared solely towards helping patients in a hospital. I came in prepared to deal with the emotions that are connected to the illnesses of my patients. I had no idea that the program would actually be focused on me as the Chaplain—my past experiences, my transference and/or counter-transference, my feelings in the present moment, and my own growth as both a Chaplain and a member of the clergy. As I sat in the chapel during that first hour of the program, I realized this summer was going to turn my life around in ways I never could have expected; I realized that in order to be the best, most effective Chaplain I could be towards others, I would have to come to terms with the hardships in my own life. I also came to learn that much of my relationship with God, which I’d worked so hard to foster since my troubling high school years, was going to be questioned all over again. The comfort and peace I’d found through singing God’s praises were both stripped away as I walked into the rooms of my patients, using only my words, experiences, and skills that I’m just now learning I really do possess.

As a cantorial student, I’ve always found my relationship to God to be most evident when Jewish texts are juxtaposed with melodies sung in a heartfelt, meaningful manner. I believe that through my own singing, or by listening to others sing around me, that God hears my truest, most deeply hidden thoughts and prayers. The music creates a pathway that connects my soul to God, and vice-versa. On the first day of CPE, when Bonita’s (our supervisor) very first sentence to me was that I would not be allowed to sing with my patients, I worried that I could not create the same sacred, important connections between the people in the hospital rooms and God. Bonita said to us later that day that “you are enough” and while I believed her, a part of me felt concerned that by cutting off such a deeply rooted part of my spirituality, I would not be able to be me—and therefore—I would not be enough. My own insecurities were thrust into the limelight by taking away the one thing that has always made me the feel most comfortable around people. My sense of authority—clerical, pastoral or otherwise—was challenged in a way it had never been challenged before, and my fears led me to believe I was not the Chaplain I wanted to be.

Along with the insecurities derived from turning off my inner music box, I was also hit hard by the harsh realities of life as a pastoral care giver. In listening to my patients’ stories, I had a difficult time setting aside the personal issues that these stories brought up in me. It became clear from the beginning that the inner conflicts I had worked so hard to either resolve or put on the shelf were not going to stay put so easily. These issues were made even clearer because of the loneliness I so often experience living alone in New York City. I began to question God’s purpose in bringing these concerns into my life once again at this moment, when I was trying my best to not only bring comfort to my patients, but also to survive in a city I am not comfortable living in. The questions grew stronger and more intense as I learned about my mother’s prescription for dialysis, which was exactly what I prayed she would NOT have to eventually endure. It all seemed like a cruel joke, as though God was in some ways laughing at me, saying “I had you fooled, Fishbein!” My own anger and questioning towards God had me questioning the use and purpose of prayer within my patient visits; it seemed hypocritical of me to offer words of prayer when I myself felt as though many of my own prayers went unheard. Though I offered to pray with most of my patients, the prayers felt inauthentic, as if God had never entered the room for either the patient or myself.

It was only a couple of weeks ago when I had 2 major revelations that changed my chaplaincy and relationship with God for the better. First, I began finding time everyday to pray to God on behalf of myself. Despite my anger, I tried to keep the lines of communication open, asking the Divine to grant me the calm presence and peace of mind I was desperately needing. I found that praying for myself allowed me to feel less angry, to more easily leave my problems in a “box” by the patients’ door, and to listen with greater intent and ability to the stories and meta-stories of my patients. Second, I realized the gift that comes with negative experiences in the life of the Chaplain. By living through a vast array of painful occurrences, I had a wealth of spiritual and intellectual commonalities with my patients. While I can not exactly understand what they themselves are going through in their hospital bed, I can understand some of the feelings and spiritual dynamics involved with serious medical conditions. By allowing myself to use my past experiences in “use of self” moments with patients, a whole new world of personal and spiritual connection was created. By exploring and utilizing these revelations, I have been able to more clearly see how my baggage is, in part at least, God’s gift to me as a Chaplain. My personal struggles allow my patients and I to feel comfortable around each other, and give me the ability to bring God into the room and (hopefully) keep God’s presence in the room once I’ve left. These revelations also, somewhat strangely, help me to feel a bit less alone in New York City; just as my patients relate in some ways to my past experiences, I relate in some ways to their present ones. Those relations—where we as strangers can connect as people—are the places in which God is truly the most present. In many ways, those connections have the same power as the combination of a beautiful melody with a significant text. It is through this realization that I became aware of the fact that I, even without music and singing, am enough as a Chaplain.

Throughout the summer, there has been one text that has run through my mind over and over again in relation to my work as a Chaplain. The following words sum up the evolution of my relationship with God, and with Chaplaincy, this summer:

I wait for God, I seek God’s presence, hoping for an answer to prayer. In the midst of the people, O God, I extol Your might and celebrate Your deeds in joyous song.

We must purify our hearts, and the Eternal One will answer our prayer.

Eternal God, open my lips, and my mouth shall declare Your glory. May the words of my mouth, and the meditations of my heart, be acceptable to You, O God, my Rock and my Redeemer.

-Ochila La’El, Gates of Repentence page 411

As I began this process, I believed that the best way I could pray to God on behalf of both the people I serve AND myself was to pray through song. Through the song, I sought and felt God’s presence with me. I have learned, however, that in order to be an efficient and genuine Chaplain, I need to wrestle with God on occasion, questioning and even doubting God’s role in the events of my life. Through my struggles this summer, I have become more in touch with myself and my role as a pastoral care giver. I have opened myself up to new relationships with others, which have led to new and exciting pathways to the Divine. Now, as I slowly gain confidence in my pastoral skills, I pray that the words we speak together reach God in the way I feel they do. I pray that God continue to give both myself and the patients I work with the courage to say what is true, and the ability to continue to realize God’s presence within human connections.

CPE: First Reflections

2010-06-12T12:38:00.004-04:00

Summer 2010 is going to be intense.

I've just finished my first full week of my Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) summer program, taking place at Beth Israel Medical Center in downtown NYC. This week has been pretty tame in comparison to what's yet to come, since we haven't officially began working in the hospital yet, though already we're learning a lot about pastoral care and counseling. Moreso, however, each member of my group has learned a tremendous amount about each other and ourselves, and how we can apply all of these new personal discoveries to the work we'll be doing with our patients.

This particular program is comprised of people of all religions, working together to learn how to become multi-faith hospital chaplains. We administer pastoral care to all people, whether or not they share our religious beliefs. Because of this, I have learned a tremendous amount about the faiths of my group members. My group is comprised of 3 HUC students (myself and 2 rabbinical students--one from my class, one from the class above me), 1 JTS student, 3 Episcopalian students studying to become priests, and one Muslim imam. It has been a truly wonderful experience to open my eyes to the customs and beliefs of my classmates (both Jewish AND non-Jewish) and to share my own Jewish customs with others. I already feel more sensitive to the spiritual needs of my patients because of what I've learned from my classmates. This experience has also sparked a previously unrecognized interest in interfaith work, both inside and outside the world of hospital chaplaincy. I continue to be amazed at the commonalities between all of us; our beliefs are different, but all of us have the same goal: to help our congregants connect to God in whatever ways our jobs allow us to. It's a very powerful realization that has given me a huge amount of respect for clergy people across the board.

Like I said, we haven't begun our work with patients as of yet. So far, the program has focused on the kinds visits we're meant to have. Pastoral care is so very different than a visit from a doctor, nurse, family member, or clergy person. These people are meant to provide care from a glass-half-full perspective; they are the patients' cheerleaders and positive-thinkers. They are the ones who tell the patients that they are going to beat their cancer or disease and feel better very soon. Pastoral care focuses on a glass-half-empty perspective, giving the people we see a chance to talk about their fears, their pains, their heartaches. Our job is to allow them to realize and externalize the frustrations that come with being at the hospital, and the disappointments and anguish that accompany terminal illness and death. Once they've done that to whatever degree our 15-20 minute visits will allow, we offer them a custom-made, spontaneous prayer to God that offers relief from pain and suffering and whatever comforts God is able to provide.

Obviously the process is difficult and frightening for both the patient and the chaplain. Confronting one's most substantial regrets, fears, weaknesses, and feelings is never easy. To demonstrate this to us on a level we can understand (since none of us, thank God, is near-death), we've had to participate in a lot of exercises to draw out some of our most hidden secrets and anxieties. This week has been emotionally exhausting in that sense, but I really have come to understand a little bit of how our patients feel as they go through this experience. I've thought a lot about my life, particularly the down times, as I've gone through this process. It's not fun and it feels never ending, but it's important to me as a chaplain and as a human being. It has also, even in just one week, helped me to connect to God in a way I never have before. In some sense, I feel God's presence with me in a very different way--one that is difficult for me to explain in words, but is easy for me to feel. I look forward to exploring this newfound relationship as the weeks go by and I begin to work with my patients.

We officially begin working with patients on Monday. Yesterday, we were assigned our units for the hospital (Beth Israel is too large for everyone to cover the whole hospital without confusion, so we're each assigned specific sections of the hospital.) As of now, I'll be working in Cardiology and Orthopedics, specifically patients in the Head and Neck division. I will also be assigned one more unit, which I am hoping will be either Bariatrics OR the Eating Disorders division of the Psych ward. I haven't talked much about my senior thesis (another topic for another blog), but I'm thinking that some work with patients with eating disorders or food issues would be not only helpful for my thesis topic, but cathartic for me on my weight-loss journey. If I'm not assigned one of these areas, I'll probably work with patients in General Surgery as my third unit.

To say I'm excited about this summer would be a complete lie. I'm TERRIFIED of what I will experience in the next 10 weeks. It's scary to be the person to facilitate discussions of death and pain and loss, especially in those moments where you know that you won't have the right answers or words of comfort. However, I've already learned that this work is the true definition of holy work. I might not have the right answers, but I will have the power to bring God's presence into the life of someone who needs it more than anything. It's a pretty amazing and powerful thought, and a job that I'm already feeling honored to partake in.

In closing, I want to share an experience I had with my group on Thursday. We were taking the grand tour of Beth Israel Medical Center and stopped at the ICU to meet some of the staff there. The rabbi who was leading us on our tour was asked if he would lead a prayer for a patient who was being taken off the ventilator. The patient was not Jewish, so he asked the Episcopalians in our group if any of them might be interested in leading the prayer. One of them bravely, without hesitation, said yes. He checked with the family to see if they'd rather have a rabbi or a Christian student-chaplain, and the family requested my classmate. We watched her courageously enter the room and gather the family members. We couldn't hear the words she offered, but all of us silently listened and prayed along with her. She came out of the room, emotional and a bit shaken, and said that she knew she'd made a powerful difference in that family's life. We were all kvelling over her strength and courage as we felt God's presence all over the ICU, surrounding both her patient and all of us. It was, by far, one of the holiest experiences I have ever been blessed to be a part of.

Student Cantor Makes Headlines

2010-06-10T08:15:00.003-04:00

OK, maybe not headlines. But she WAS chosen to be interviewed by the York Daily Record, the local newspaper of her student congregation in York, PA. This is probably as close to fame as I'll ever get :)

http://www.ydr.com/religionfull/ci_15260913

In Loving Memory of John Joe Kuriger, Senior

2010-06-05T11:54:00.004-04:00

John, thank you for being my first accompanist and providing Temple Israel with such beautiful music for so many years. Thank you for giving me strength in the scary moments in life and on the bimah. Thank you for always making me laugh and crying with me when I needed to cry. Thank you for your constant love and support, for your jokes and your brutal honesty, and for being such a special person in my life.

While I haven't quite figured out how to forgive God for taking you away so soon, I know for sure that I am blessed to have known and loved you. I will love and miss you always. May your memory always be for a blessing.

John Kuriger, me, and Cantor Linda Blumenthal after my Junior Recital at the University of Missouri, April 2004.

I'm forever sorry that I didn't get to say goodbye, and even more sorry that I never told you how much I loved you. I hope you know that now.

Semester in Review

2010-06-05T11:37:00.002-04:00

Are you getting tired of reading about how sorry I am that I haven't posted in weeks (or in this case, months?) Friends, it's been a very busy end of the semester. I am exhausted and feeling somewhat like HUC has sucked every last ounce of my soul out of my body, but I am still standing.

So much has happened this semester. I could spend this post talking about how much I learned in my Intro to Midrash class (even with it's treacherous and somewhat self-defeating final exam) or how much joy I've experienced through my pulpit work in the last couple of months. I could also talk about how I freaked out during my guitar final--literally running out of the room in tears--or how I worked so hard on the Hinini I had to sing for comps and then completely butchered it in the moment. I could talk about the wonderful relationship I've formed with my rabbinic mentor in York, or how I let a congregant talk me into doing a shot of Wild Turkey at a Bar Mitzvah party last week.

It's been a roller coaster of a semester, clearly.

In truth, however, I don't want to talk about school or work. Why? Because that's ALL I've talked about this year. It's all I've lived and done this year. Somewhere in the process of becoming a cantor, I've lost so many other parts of myself. I've forgotten who TRACY is. I've forgotten what it feels like to have fun and enjoy my family, my friends, and my life outside of HUC and the synagogue world. I've even lost my love of blogging and sharing my life with this wonderful community of people who are actually interested in the life and times of a cantor in training. I HATE ALL OF THIS.

This summer, I want to reconnect with myself. I want to remember who I am and what I love outside of the Jewish community. I want to do fun things, like go on dates and explore this crazy city that I've been living in for 2 years without ever really exploring. My goal is to learn more about the things that make me happy, and to welcome as much love and joy into my life as possible.

I'm in the process of creating a list of things that bring me utter joy and happiness. I'm keeping the list private for now, but I will say that those of you who are still with me, after 3 years of blogging (!!!) and my many hiatus' as of late, are truly a blessing in my life. YOU make me happy. Thank you for that.

Now I'm curious: what makes you happy?

A Whirlwind Semester

2010-03-29T15:39:00.004-04:00

Rabbi Jeff and I, dressed as Yentes for our "Megillah on the Roof" Purim Schpiel. Isn't he a pretty woman? :)

Cantor Fishbein leading the singing of the 4 Questions during our Passover model-seder

Hello friends! I know it's been a long time since I've last updated. As my BFF Rachel says, you can tell I've been busy by the lack of updates to the blog. It's true--life has been INSANE the last few weeks.

This semester is very academically intense; lots of reading, writing, studying, translating, memorizing, etc. I'm taking wonderfully fulfilling classes, such as Liturgy with Dr. Larry Hoffmann (who wrote this very famous, useful liturgical encyclopedia series called My People's Prayerbook) and Midrash with Dr. Norman Cohen, former provost of HUC. Both classes are totally mind-blowing and I'm learning a TON, but they along with my other courses make this semester very heavy with work and responsibilities. I'm also taking classes in the history of Jewish education, contemporary Shabbat repertoire, Rosh Hashanah nusach, the history of the cantorate, and guitar lessons. Yep, I'm a busy girl. Sleep has not really been on the schedule for the semester.

As exciting as classes are right now, my real focus and love has been towards my student pulpit work. Jeff, my rabbinic mentor, and I have worked hard the last 8 months to establish and maintain a trustworthy, professional relationship. Now that we've established that trust, my responsibilities have doubled, giving me a TON of truly wonderful experiences under my belt.

For example, the month of March was Jewish Music Month for TBI (why it was the month of March, I have no idea...) Naturally, we had a lot of special music-related programming taking place over the course of my 2 visits with TBI throughout the month. On my first visit, I gave a Sermon-In-Song, discussing how so-called "traditional" melodies are not really traditional. I talked about pieces such as Lewandowski's Kiddush (and sang the actual Kiddush found in Lewandowski's Out of Print Classic "Kol Rinnah u'T'fillah", which is slightly different from the version most of us know), Goldfarb's Shalom Aleichem, and Nurit Hirsh's Oseh Shalom. The congregation was SO EXCITED, and several people commented afterwards about how they didn't realize the cantor was allowed to speak during services. Yep, the cantor can indeed speak during services! The next week we had a special commemoration for our organist, who's served the congregation for 25 years. Since the celebration was in the place of a sermon, I spoke about various pieces of music within the liturgy as they occurred throughout the service. I even took the opportunity to introduce the idea and the melodies of traditional nusach into the service. I'm not sure the congregation really understood or particularly enjoyed that part, but I'm glad I was able to give them a taste of traditional worship (and I hope to incorporate these melodies into the service as often as I can; I'm hoping it'll be easier now that they've been introduced...we'll see!)

I've also been playing within the realm of adult education, something I've never really experienced until this year. Every Saturday morning when there is no B'nai Mitzvah, the rabbi teaches a Talmud class for adult learners. He graciously offered me 3 Saturday mornings this semester to teach classes on Jewish music, which I jumped at the chance to do. My first 2 Saturday mornings were a series on "What Makes Jewish Music Jewish?", giving my congregants small tastes of various styles and genres of Jewish music. My hope was to open their eyes and ears to the many different uses of music both inside and out of the synagogue. It was a wonderful series, which sparked so many different conversations about the role of Jewish music and the congregants' specific likes and dislikes. They LOVED our time together and requested more, so I guess that means I was doing something right! :) On my last adult ed class, we learned about the Ernest Bloch Sacred Service, which (in my humble opinion) is one of the most important pieces of Jewish music ever written. Out of the 12 people who attended the class that morning, 11 of them had never heard of the piece...which is exactly the reason I wanted to teach it. Many of the class members were surprised to learn something of this musical caliber even existed within the Jewish world, and many compared it to Handel's Messiah in importance and musical/religious significance. I was excited to see their excitement and appreciation for the piece, and very moved by their insightful comments and insights on the piece.

I've also been working with the Sisterhood, helping them to prepare their Sisterhood Shabbat on April 23. They traditionally have a small Sisterhood choir that performs, so we've been working on putting together a beautiful service of music written by women composers. We have 12 members in the choir, and they sing with so much enthusiasm and spirit. It's been incredibly fun for me to work with them and to hear the progress they've made from visit to visit. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this choir, traditionally used only once a year for this service, can expand and become the temple's official volunteer choir. They'd have to accept some men into the choir, which many of them are fine with, and they'd have to commit to regular rehearsals and performance opportunities. We'll see what happens, but I'm really, REALLY hoping we can get something like this started.

Oh yeah, we also had Purim (including a Megillah on the Roof Purim schpiel for the entire religious school) and a special student-led Pesach model-seder run by yours truly. It's been a VERY BUSY couple of months at TBI, but I've loved every second of my time there and can't wait to continue into next year.

Last Saturday night as I was laying in bed after a particularly busy day in York, an overwhelming feeling of contentment ran through me. In that moment, I remembered just how lucky I am not only to be doing exactly what I love, but doing it in such a wonderful community. It's a complete and utter joy to be the student cantor of this congregation, even on top of the stresses and anxieties that come with balancing the job with school and my personal life (or lack thereof, lately.)

I'm a lucky girl. A very, very lucky, fulfilled, and inspired girl.

Summer Plans

2010-02-25T15:25:00.002-05:00

For once in my life, I know what my summer plans are more than 2 weeks before they actually begin. For those of you who know me well and know I often leave plans until the last possible second (procrastinator, anyone?) you know this is a very big deal.

At my initial interview with HUC, Aunt Diane and I sat in the office of the Director of Admissions, where she told us about all of the opportunities that awaited me if/when I became an HUC student. One of those opportunities was a summer of Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE), where I'd be spending my summer as a chaplain in one of New York City's many hospitals. As soon as she mentioned this program, my ears perked up and I knew this was an opportunity I'd want to take advantage of. As clergy, we'll spend our days visiting congregants in hospitals and working with families of very sick people. We need to know the right things to say (or not say) and the proper ways to act in very tough situations. We need to be prepared for the emotional and physical turmoil an illness can bring to a person and/or a family and how to best bring them comfort and peace. As someone who finds it incredibly difficult to find the right words to say and the correct ways to reach out to people in these conditions, I knew that CPE would be a good program for me to participate in.

I knew since the beginning of the year that this summer was the right one for CPE. I feel more at peace with New York City and my place as a cantorial student, and I'm not longing for St Louis the way I used to. After completing the LONG and somewhat painful application, which included forms, references, essays, and reminders (the office buried my application away somewhere and lost it--had I not called them after winter break, I never would have had an interview), I finally landed an interview with the hospital I most wanted to work for.

Last week, I finally went to be interviewed; I had my professional dress, heels and makeup on, and my resume in hand. I was prepared to answer personal questions (they need to know you're emotionally stable to handle working with terminally-ill patients) and readyed myself for a thought-provoking, challenging interview. Long story short, the actual face-to-face interview never happened. I talked to the supervisor on the phone in the office lobby and we both agreed that I was eligible and ready for the program and that an in-person interview wasn't necessary. Several of my classmates participated in this same program last summer, so they'd already filled me in on the program and answered a lot of my questions.

I'll be spending my summer working at Beth Israel Medical Center, located near Union Square. I'm nervous for CPE and I know it will be a challenging, heartbreaking, eye-opening experience. None of my colleagues who have participated in the program have come away disappointed or empty-handed, though, so I know it'll be a worthwhile summer program.

I'll be chronicling as much of the experience as I'm allowed via the blog; for privacy reasons, I'm sure I won't be allowed to go into detail about any of my patients. I will, however, try to blog about how the experience effect me as a person and as a cantor. I'm interested to see where the road takes me emotionally, academically, and spiritually.

Without a doubt, this summer is going to be a wonderful challenge. I'll miss being in St Louis with my family, friends, and crazy little dog, but I look forward to summer in the city--I've heard it's fantastic!

If You're Interested...

2010-02-07T23:34:00.002-05:00

...here are BlogHUC posts from December and January. Enjoy!

Yay for Cousins!

2010-02-07T23:22:00.003-05:00

After 4 months of waiting and feeling like I was the only person on the planet who hadn't met baby Toby, I met up with cousins Whitney and Adam and the Tob-ster for lunch in Baltimore a few weeks ago. How cute is this baby? I mean really, just look at those EYES! Those CHEEKS! And he has the softest baby head. So sweet.

Baby Toby!

Happy family

Cousins! Toby looks so excited :)

Practicum #3

2010-02-06T11:07:00.003-05:00

Many thanks to Faith for this great picture of Cantor Jack Mendelson and I, taken right after the practicum was over.

It's hard to believe that practicum #3 has not only come and gone, but was already 2 1/2 weeks ago. Time flies when you're jumping for joy that the damn thing is over with and you can return to normal life again.

Out of all of my practica thus far, this practicum, which covered the traditional liturgy and nusach for Tefilat Geshem, was easily the most challenging. Tefilat Geshem is a series of prayers and liturgical poems, said just before Simchat Torah, in which we remind God to send rain to make this harvest season a successful one. Growing up in my largely Classical Reform congregation in St Louis, Tefilat Geshem was never even a figment of my (or the rabbis' or cantor's) imagination. I never even knew there was such a thing as a prayer for rain until I watched my colleague give this same practicum last year (while simultaneously praying I would never be stuck with this topic...just goes to show that God interprets prayer in God's own way...)

There were all sorts of emotions that filled my body the day I opened my email to discover what the practicum topic would be. At first glance, I wanted to throw my computer out the window. At second glance, I cried. Yes, I cried. Over a practicum. Thinking back, I read the email at a time when I was frustrated with both nusach and the idea of impractical practica (practica that have little to no application in the real world.) I didn't understand why the faculty would assign ME this practicum, knowing my aggravation with these things and knowing that I was struggling so much with school. Though I didn't contest the assignment, I thought A LOT about it--probably too much.

I started working on this program the day after practicum #2. Thank God I had a wonderful coach who also happens to teach the class on the nusach of Geshem. From day one, I had my entire program planned out and I knew exactly what music I needed to learn. I quickly got to work learning the many melismatic passages and new liturgy. The music was hard, of course, but it was only the tip of the iceberg in terms of the many, many struggles I faced with this practicum.

For whatever reason, I got it into my head that this music was written for and designed to be sung by a man. Therefore, I began singing it as such, singing the pieces bigger than they needed to be. Those of you who know music and my history with singing know that I have a history of singing sharp; this is usually due to working too hard to make too much sound. I have had to learn how to relax enough to bring my voice back into the correct intonation which has NOT been easy or fun. Well, as I pushed my voice to be bigger and more manly than it is, my pitch slowly started to rise once again. There was a period of about a month where I couldn't sing this music without sharpening, sometimes going a full semitone higher than I should have been. It was incredibly frustrating. Thank God I had an amazing voice teacher who had the patience, persistence, and vocal expertise to help me get my pitch where it needed to be.

Another frustration: This liturgy consists of poems written about biblical men and their miraculous experiences with rain and water. It didn't make sense for me, as a liberal Jewish woman who knows that plenty of WOMEN in the bible also have miraculous experiences with water, to be singing these poems strictly about men. Combine this with the above issue of singing like a man, and it became hard to make sense of this practicum. Trying to sing music written for men and about men as a woman was confusing. It was the first time I've ever felt as though I was a woman trying to do a man's job--I've never had that kind of experience in the cantorate before.

The whole time I was preparing for this practicum, I felt as though I never really had a clue as to what was going on. I felt very little connection to the music or the text, and wasn't sure how I could fit this into my Reform cantorate. I'm still not sure about that last point, honestly, though I'd love to find ways to introduce it in ways my congregants can understanding. In order to do that, however, I need to continue to educate myself about Geshem and it's importance within Judaism.

In spite of all of this, I am happy to say the practicum was a rousing success. I sang well, with confidence (hey, fake confidence is better than no confidence at all!) and for the most part, in tune. It felt good to succeed in spite of the personal and vocal struggles that never seemed to end, and showed me that I can indeed tackle difficult nusach. The faculty seemed pleased and the feedback I received was helpful.

Overall, I'm glad the practicum was successful, but I'm especially glad it's over. I look forward to practicum #4 (the last one!), which will hopefully be a concert-style program on the music of a composer or a time period of Jewish music.

Many thanks to everyone who helped to keep me sane throughout this process. I appreciate you all!

Winter Break #3

2010-01-03T13:46:00.002-05:00

I am writing this post from a Starbucks located in St Louis Lambert Airport, and thanking God for Google's gift of free airport internet for the holidays. Thanks, Google!

This break has been an interesting one. I've done a lot of wonderful things and played catch up with many of the important people in my life. I visited California and returned to St Louis for the first time since August. I had time to read books, watch movies, and spend quality time with people I love.

I was able to take off my "Cantor Face" for the first time since August.

I didn't realize just how huge or peculiar that would feel, or the incredible distinction I created for myself between "Cantor Fishbein", "Cantorial Student Tracy" and "Tracy". I haven't yet discovered how to combine my three glaringly different lives into one complete person, someone whose life is one neat package comprised of several different parts. It's difficult to be "Tracy" when I feel like I have to be "Cantor Fishbein" and so on.

But, at the same time, it's difficult to fully detach one from the other. I HAVE to be myself in my career, it comes with the job description.

This sense of confusion must be a part of growing up and growing into myself both as a person and as a professional. To be able to let go of the labels and feel completely myself despite where I am or what I am doing is something I pray will come in time. Maybe it's already happening, and I have to notice the distinctions before I can continue to grow.

***

This break is distinctly different in that I came home in a time of huge personal growth and professional successes, only to be met by many who are struggling for a variety of reasons. It isn't easy to be excited about and/or want to share my accomplishments with those who are fighting so hard. It's incredibly painful to watch people I love fall so heavily and difficult to find the right words to bring comfort or calm without sounding condescending. I learned over the course of these 2.5 weeks that sometimes the best thing you can do is to be fully present and just LISTEN. I'm beginning to learn that at certain times, not saying anything at all is the best thing you can do to help the people you love. Maybe this lesson a good intro to the hospital chaplaincy program I hope to participate in this summer, and something to remember forever as a clergy person.

***

I am by no means complaining. It's been a very interesting and life-changing experience to come back home and realize all of this important stuff.

I pray that 2010 brings a year of peace, fulfillment, and security to all of us, along with a healthy dose of happiness and laughter.

Ken Y'hi Ratzon.

Reflections on 2009

2009-12-30T10:57:00.005-05:00

There is one full day left of 2009...can you believe it?

In between my finals and travels and reunions with family and friends, I've had a little time to sit and reflect on the year that is almost over. It's been a bigger, busier year than I realized. I think I will always look back on 2009 as the year I grew up and came into my own, both as a cantor and as a human being.

I've struggled with the right way to wrap up the year on the blog. Taking a cue from my friend Elizabeth's blog, I present you with a month-by-month recap of 2009's most challenging, exciting, heartbreaking, and meaningful events in the life of this cantor-in-training.

January:

The year started off with a relaxing family cruise to Jamaica and Grand Cayman. I returned to NYC to start semester #4 of cantorial school, giving my first practicum and showing my dad around the big city. I also began taking guitar lessons.

February:

I discovered my slightly irrational fear of the mice in my apartment, and tried to deal with it as best I could (with the help of my fabulous brother.) I visited Jane in New Hampshire, and returned to NYC promising myself I would stop hating the city so much.

March:

SSM students with through our second round of placement for student positions, some of us securing great jobs for the 2009-2010 school year, others being left in the dust. I became evermore grateful for my student pulpit opportunities.

April:

I spent a wonderful few days in NYC with Mike and Joey before coming home to STL for spring break. I led services at HUC-NYC for the first time, including a service that honored both Yom Hazikaron and the 5th year students' last day of classes--at the same service.

May:

I regained my faith in becoming a cantor/Jewish professional by participating in and experiencing Investiture/Ordination. I completed year 2 of my cantorial studies with finals and by ROCKING my fear-invoking, anxiety-inducing comprehensive exams. I talked honestly with the rabbi of my congregation in South Bend, telling him of my professional unhappiness and disappointments throughout the year. I said goodbye to the people who made my congregational experience so wonderful and worthwhile by presenting a concert of Jewish and Broadway music. I participated in my first weddings by singing in Josh and Emily's wedding and co-officiating my cousin Hilary and her husband Doug's wedding.

June:

I began my second summer of cuteness at the St Louis JCC, working with their pre-school camp as music specialist. I traveled with my mom and her family to Waterville, Maine, where I sang to my cousin Sarah on her Bat Mitzvah. I rediscovered my hometown, including the JCC and it's exercise facilities. I sang in my friend Elizabeth's wedding and reunited with some wonderful college friends.

July:

I began playing guitar in front of real people for my summer job. I sang my first funeral for a wonderful man who died too soon. I celebrated my 27th birthday at work and at a St Louis Cardinal's baseball game. I traveled to Columbia for a day with my brother to see my Lee-lah. I celebrated my cousin-to-be at my cousin's baby shower. I traveled to Cincinnati with Dave, Gal and Dahlia on their cross-country journey and had a great time with them, Steph, Batya and Carlie.

August:

I realized just how much I love my hometown. I left said hometown to move back to NYC and cleaned up a lot of dead mice in my apartment. I visited my new student congregation informally and began making wonderful relationships with my rabbinic mentor and congregants. I began preparing practicum #2 and attended a wonderfully fun HUC Kallah which began semester #5 of cantorial school.

September:

I presented practicum #2 to rave reviews from my student colleagues and SSM faculty. I officially began my tenure at Temple Beth Israel in York, PA with my first shabbat, Slichot, and High Holy Days. I welcomed my mom, brother, aunt and uncle to York to celebrate Rosh Hashanah with me. I rejoiced in another HHD's under my belt. I wrote my first post for BlogHUC. We welcomed baby Toby into our family.

October:

My cousin Kelly married her husband Bill, in a beautiful wedding that I had to miss due to school and financial constraints. I participated in the Garecht Outreach Institute conference with the rest of my 3rd year class. Had a fun lunch with my Aunt Diane and Uncle Harold at the Carnegie Deli in NYC. I co-led a week of services at HUC with my friend Marc. I began 4 straight weeks of pulpit visits, leading to an exhausting and exhilarating period of time.

November:

Did all of this stuff and somehow lived to tell about it. Participated in our first-annual Midwest Meets Brooklyn Thanksgiving dinner. Slept for 3 days afterward and enjoyed my time off.

December:

Wrote a melody for Y'hiyu L'ratzon, which I debuted to my classmates at a group dinner at Debbie Friedman's house. Found out about Leah's exciting engagement to Bobby. Wrote papers and finals and completed my 5th semester of cantorial school. YAY 50% CANTOR!!! Kissed NYC goodbye for the West Coast and visited Mike and Joey in LA, where I went to Disneyland for the first time. Traveled home to STL for the first time since August and reunited with family and friends. Began the process of rebuilding relationships with clergy at Temple Israel.

Whew. Are y'all as tired as I am?

It's been a big, trying, and fun year full of growth opportunities and new experiences. May all the best follow each of us into 2010 and give us a year of peace, contentment, and love.

Go Rabbi Ron!

2009-12-17T17:36:00.004-05:00

As a huge supporter and ally of the gay community (Jewish or otherwise), I felt the need to share this with all of you. What a rockstar this rabbi is!

Gay Rabbi Comes Out of His Orthodox Closet - VJ Movement

Posted using ShareThis

It's Been a Long Time

2009-12-15T11:17:00.002-05:00

Hi Friends. For those of you who are still with me, my sincere apologies on my hiatus from blogging. It's turned into a very busy semester! I am a little sad that I don't have some of the highlights on here as my own personal documentation, as it's been a truly great semester, but I feel the need to press forward rather than look back.

I'm currently in the middle of finals week, blogging instead of working on my dreaded rabbinics final. I've knocked out my education and Jewish modes finals, and I've worked hard on my music theory final that I'll take in class on Thursday. Rabbinics, however, is another story. For whatever reason, I'm struggling to find the right words to say what I want to say and fill the 10-page length requirement. Therefore, I write little bits at a time and pray that it all comes together into a cohesive and articulate final exam. We'll see...

The best part of finals week? Knowing that it eventually comes to an end. This Friday, once all of my finals are completed and the semester is officially over, I am leaving for a visit to California to see my wonderful friends Mike and Joey. On Christmas eve, I'll hop on a plane to St Louis for my first trip home since August. It will be wonderful to get away for a couple of weeks, and even more wonderful to see my friends and family again.

As great as this semester has been, it's starting to get to me that I've had to miss so much in the lives of my family and friends in St Louis. My cousin's wedding, another cousin's visit to STL with her new baby boy, Thanksgiving; all of which I've missed because of work or school commitments. I'm struggling to find an appropriate balance of work and home, school and family. They're all important to me, and I feel like this semester the people in my life have taken a back seat to the profession in my life. It breaks my heart to think of the important things I've had to miss in the lives of my family and friends back home, for my own sake as much as everyone else's.

This semester I'm learning that I HAVE to take time out of my crazy schedule to be at home and with my friends all over the country. I also need to sleep, continue the healthy eating and exercise habits that seem to be on hiatus this semester, and find hobbies that have nothing to do with life as a cantor. Can I do it? I don't really know at this point. When is it okay to say to a professor or my boss, "I'm sorry I didn't get X accomplished, I was with my family this weekend."?

This program (and profession) is pretty great in that it constantly brings up questions, flaws, and hidden personality quirks that force you to stop, reflect, and attempt to find resolution.

For now, I live life like I write my rabbinics final...slowly and piece by piece, knowing it will all turn out just as it's meant to, in it's own time.

The Last 4 Weeks

2009-11-29T21:36:00.004-05:00

Thanks for staying with me through the last few (blogless) weeks. It's been completely insane with school and working every weekend. Thursday was my first day off in over a month, and while life has been utterly exhausting and I so appreciated the rest, I'm feeling thankful for the opportunities handed to me in this time.

In the last four weeks I:

-Co-led daily t'fillah at school everyday for a week with my friend Marc

-Saw Chaim Topol as Tevye in a production of Fiddler on the Roof in Baltimore

-Co-led the first three B'nai Mitzvah of the year at TBI

-Wrote this :)

-Experienced and sang services honoring Kristallnacht and Thanksgiving

-Sang in a fundraising concert with Debbie Friedman that raised over $450,000 for the SSM

-Sang for a fundraising dinner for Jewish Theological Seminary that raised over $1,000,000

-Chanted Torah twice--once at my congregation, once in front of the firing squad known as the students and faculty of Hebrew Union College during Thursday t'fillah

-Started playing guitar during religious school at TBI

-Attended a beautiful dinner party in honor of the 85th birthday of one of my congregants at TBI--truly one of the most touching experiences of my life

-Taught the 4th grade class at TBI to sing "Ocho Kandelikas" for their service coming up December 4...they LOVE the song and sing it beautifully!

-Prepared my T'filat Geshem practicum, taking place on January

-Had a heart-to-heart conversation with Jeff, my rabbinic mentor at TBI, where I told him about the effects of the mishagas at Temple Israel last year and how they effect me even now. Painful for many reasons, but necessary and helpful for the future.

-Extended 4 hearty Mazal Tovs to 4 HUC friends on their engagements. including C-Squad goddess extraordinaire Julia!

-Wrote a fairly decent lesson plan on Noah's Ark for a Kindergarten religious school classroom

-Used my Crockpot more than I ever could have imagined

-Brought home my new baby, my sweet Lou-Lou (named after my favorite city in the world, obvi) that I purchased with Jeff's. Ain't she a beauty?

My pretty girl, a Fender 6-string with built-in tuner. Note the red strap--Grandpa Sid would be so pleased.

And so much more I can't even think of. It's been a whirlwind of a November.

I've spent this weekend relaxing, exercising, cooking good healthy food (Thanksgiving food aside, of course) and catching up with the family, friends, and TV shows (how awesome is Glee??) I've neglected the past few weeks. I've also had some time to reflect on what I've learned from being in a congregation 4 weeks in a row, but I'll save that for another post...I've gotta do something to keep you with me, clearly! ;)

After 4 days of remembering what it feels like to be a human being again, I feel ready and excited to go back to school tomorrow and finish the semester off strong!

Things I Hope I'll Be Able To Do Once I Become A Cantor For Real:

2009-11-08T19:22:00.004-05:00

-Sleep more than 6 hours a night

-Cook real meals, not Easy Mac and veggie burgers

-Clean my apartment

-Live in a decent apartment that doesn't cost 4x's more money that it's worth

-Drive a car

-Travel to a place that isn't my student pulpit

-Exercise

-Visit this sweet little guy (debuting the onesie I bought him!)

-Take that photography class I've always wanted to take

-Date (I miss nice guys...)

-Study Torah, just for fun

-Play with my dog

I'm in the middle of 4 consecutive pulpit visits and the craziest part of the semester. I want to sleep until I leave for California on December 18. Free time? HA.

Really I just wanted an excuse to post a picture of my cousin on the blog.

BlogHUC #2

2009-10-26T20:21:00.002-04:00

This may look familiar to those of you who read this blog on a regular basis, but here is the October entry on BlogHUC. Enjoy!

Garecht Outreach Institute 2009

2009-10-25T17:36:00.004-04:00

This past week, our 3rd year class participated in the annual Garecht Outreach Institute, a 2-day seminar/retreat that deals with the issues of conversion in Reform Judaism. This seminar is offered for 3rd year students at each campus; the NY crew traveled to this amazing mansion turned hotel and conference center in Glen Cove, Long Island.

This is where we stayed:

Come on, Garecht, couldn't you have scrounged up the funds to treat us to something better than Econolodge? (I'm kidding, in case there was any question...) It was like a cruise ship; indoor and outdoor pools, tennis courts, libraries, a gym, and FOOD. Food to our hearts' content--beautiful buffet breakfasts, lunches and dinners, snacks and drinks available 24/7, cocktail hours--it was unbelievable.

Our days were filled with interesting lectures and breakout sessions about the history of conversion in Judaism, and how a Jewish professional handles a congregant or outsider who is interested in becoming a Reform Jew. We looked at Halachah (Jewish Law) and other traditional texts to understand exactly what needs to happen before one can become a Jew (it doesn't happen overnight...) as well as current texts put out by the CCAR and URJ about the modern-day requirements regarding the education of one who is looking to convert. There was also much discussion about ways Jewish leaders and congregants can reach out to these people who are looking to join the Jewish faith, and how to integrate "new Jews" into an existing Jewish community once they've converted. On the last day, we had some role-playing exercises where we played the parts of potential converts and Jewish clergy. I played the part of "Vicky the lesbian Lutheran who needed to convert before her civil union with her fiance Charla in exactly 7 months." Twas great fun.

Perhaps the most interesting part of this seminar was a panel discussion on conversion from the perspective of the convert. We had 6 Jews-by-choice share their conversion stories with us and telling us the reasons why they chose to convert, their feelings during the actual conversion process, and their experiences trying to mainstream into their congregations. It was fascinating, sometimes heartbreaking, and inspiring to hear the reasons behind their decisions and the sacrifices they had to make to find their place in the Jewish world.

Many of us were in charge of planning various t'fillot for our time together. My classmates Daniel and Vicky and I were in charge of Thursday morning t'fillah. I must say we planned a beautiful and memorable service, including Torah readings and study and a lovely d'var Torah by our classmate Leora.

Aliyah for rabbinical students during our Thursday morning service

There was, of course, plenty of time to explore the incredibly gorgeous grounds of this hotel. Autumn in New York really is everything they say it is around this part of the state. The trees were lush and beautifully colored, the air was cool and refreshing, and fallen leaves, acorns, chestnuts and crab apples crunched under our feet. We had some fun taking a walk after lunch on Thursday, of course stopping for some fun pictures.

Totally beautiful. We would have been willing to move HUC to Glen Cove...we still would be, actually...

Lyle wanted a new JDate picture. I suggested he take on surrounded by beautiful women to suggest that he was such the ladies' man. Yeah, right. Love ya, Ly-Guy!

Sitting in the shade of a HUGE Chestnut tree

For me personally, this seminar really got me thinking about my own family and the ways that conversion has effected it. For those of you who don't know, my dad's younger brother converted to Christianity when he was around my age. I've always felt a tinge of sadness about this, wondering why Judaism wasn't for him. My uncle and his family are religious Christians (and wonderful people, just for the record) and because of this, there has always been a bit of an uncomfortable religious divide within our family. This divide has become more and more apparent since I've been in in cantorial school and developed my own strong opinions on why Judaism makes so much sense in my life.

Truth be told, there are a lot of things I don't understand or agree with in Christianity, and I will always be a little heartbroken about my uncle's decision. However, after this seminar, I at least understand what he had to go through to accept his new identity and be accepted within a new religion.

I realize after this experience how much I want to attempt to bridge this gap in our family, for the sake of myself and my entire family. I'm hoping I can find the strength to create dialogue between us that puts us both on the same page, where we at least understand each other's reasons for believing what we believe. It's a tall order and not one that can be filled overnight, but I am hopeful that in time and with patience, we can learn to create comfort for everyone within our family.

For the record, the feelings expressed in that last bit of the post are my own and do not necessarily represent feelings within my entire family. To these family members: if I have hurt or offended you with my honesty, I am truly sorry.

Malachim

2009-10-19T21:16:00.002-04:00

As I was riding the train home tonight, I kept thinking about the fact that I had to be living in this city, far away from my family, unable to go home to celebrate my cousin's wedding with the rest of my dad's family. If only I had more money to have gone home, or was able to go to the Cincinnati campus so I could drive home for a weekend. Poor, poor me. It had been my stream of thought that I hadn't been able to shake all weekend long.

Like normal, the train arrived at my stop and I wheeled my heavy rolly-backpack off the train and down the steps. Along the way, the weight shifted and the bag turned over so the wheels were facing up. "Damn it!" I said a little too loudly as I struggled to get it back into position so I could go home after a long day.

Upon witnessing this, a homeless man sweetly looked at me and said, "I wish I had that much stuff to lug around" and turned and walked away, not asking for money or food. I stood still for a moment in shock before continuing on my way.

Who am I to complain about my incredibly rich, satisfying life?

It's moments like this when I remember that malachim, God's messengers, really are all around us--and they all have something to teach.

Another New Cousin

2009-10-19T20:52:00.004-04:00

My ridiculously good-looking family: Uncle Rob, Aunt Nancy, Kelly, Bill, Julie, Amy

Congratulations to my cousin Kelly on her marriage to her now-husband, Bill this past Saturday. Best wishes for a long and happy life together. I wish so badly I could have been there to celebrate with all of you--from what I heard it was a beautiful and rockin' party!

Ch-Ch-Changes

2009-10-17T09:53:00.007-04:00

All dolled up for my first weekend at my new congregation

Y'all, this girl is TI-YURD.

Let me tell you, it has been a hectic few weeks around here. Thus, no updates. I appreciate those who've asked me to post, but I just haven't had time to write anything. Between my new job in York and all of the planning and meetings and such for that, teaching B'nai Mitzvah and my 2 private students, planning services for school (I'm leading t'fillah the week of October 24,) working out some necessary issues with one of my classmates whom I love very much, and oh yeah--SCHOOL--I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.

It's funny how last year I complained about doing too little at my congregation and not really feeling like the 'Cantor.' Well, now I'm working with a congregation who loves treating me as 'Cantor' and therefore has certain professional and musical expectations that I am supposed to follow. Everything I've done for my congregation has been wonderful and full of fantastic learning experiences, but I'm coming to realize that serving a congregation is hard work, both on the bimah and off.

I guess the saying "Be careful what you wish for" applies for me right now.

Please don't get me wrong. I am incredibly grateful and honored to serve this congregation and have these opportunities to actually BE the cantor. The people that I work with are nothing short of lovely, appreciative, and excited that I'm there. The joys of this job fiercely outnumber the frustrations.

They welcomed me right off the bat with this adorable (and delicious) cake. Special thanks to Shelley, the rab's wife, for snagging me a piece while I was chatted up by my fabulous congregants

The sanctuary of Temple Beth IsraelBrown's Orchards, a beautiful apple orchard just outside of York. The rabbi and his family took me apple picking the weekend before Yom Kippur. It is so beautiful, and the apples are to-die!

The truth is that even since birth I've been a little resistant to change. I love to tell the story of how I was brought into this world that so beautifully illustrates this point. I was due to be brought into this world on July 12, 1982. For medical reasons, my mom's labor was induced on July 6. I was born 11 days later, on July 17. Clearly, even the doctors couldn't force me out of the womb until I was ready. Eventually, I came around (obviously,) but I took my own sweet time doing so. The same applies in my life even now--it takes me a great deal of time to adjust to new settings and events. As great as the opportunity may be, I sometimes need to wait it out to feel truly comfortable. Anyone who's followed my blog for the last 2+ years knows this about me. It took me time to learn to love Israel, and I'm only just now beginning to enjoy New York. I know that I'll learn to love this job and my new, even crazier schedule--it's just going to take a few more weeks.

From the church across the street from the synagogue. The rabbi is good friends with the Pastor, clearly :)

I had some special visitors for Rosh Hashanah: From left to right: Uncle Stevie, mom, me Adam, Aunt Bonnie

The beautiful city of Baltimore, located 45 minutes from York. Some of my congregants took me for dinner in Little Italy--we ate amazing food, topped off with eclairs the size of a Chipotle burrito--I ate 2 bites, don't worry.

I'm using this weekend to really relax, take some time for myself, my friends and my family, and get plenty of rest for the remainder of the semester, which looks like it will be a marathon until the end. So far, I've enjoyed a voice lesson, lunch with a friend (hi Leslie and Mama Niren!), a wonderful nap, some roasted pumpkin (best shabbat dinner EVER), a trip to the Museum of Modern Art, and catching up on Private Practice and Glee. It's been a beautiful weekend.

So, this post didn't turn out exactly the way I'd planned, but it does give you a glimpse into my life right now. Really, I've had a great month, working for a congregation that respects me and feeling satisfied and fulfilled at school. Like I said, a little more time to settle in will help with the exhaustion and overwhelm, and I'm confident I'll eventually fall into a groove.

Late-breaking news (as of 15 minutes ago)--I will be in California December 18-24, and in STL December 24-January 3. Mark your calendars because I want to see you!!

My New Cousin

2009-10-03T10:05:00.003-04:00

Welcome to the world, Toby Rush Aaronson!
Born September 23, 2009
Mazal tov Whitney, Adam, Aunt Di and Uncle H, and the entire Sanger and Aaronson families.
We love you!

Practicum #2

2009-09-20T19:07:00.004-04:00

The morning of the practicum, right after practicing my walk for Hineni in my robe and shoes. I was worried about tripping and falling on my face, which THANK GOD did not happen. Thanks, Faith, for the picture!

I think I am beginning to understand the many purposes of student practica. Yes, we learn new and different music and share it with the student community. Yes, we have the opportunity to sing for and receive constructive criticism from some of the greatest cantorial minds in the Jewish world (both the SSM faculty AND our student colleagues.) And yes, we have the chance to show off our voices, chazzanut, and other cantorial skills for a crowd who can truly appreciate them.

From this practicum, however, I learned a very unexpected lesson on perspective. I learned that sometimes, sweating the small stuff is stupid, vain and unnecessary.

This practicum was put together quickly, went through several musical and liturgical changes, and contained a lot of big, challenging music. It was not even close to being executed perfectly. There were choreography mistakes, wrong notes, vocal issues, and a few word-jumbles. When the practicum was over and it was Julia's turn to sing, I sat down feeling deflated, thinking of what I would say at the review to defend myself and the mistakes that I made. I was trying not to cry as I mentally prepared myself to take the criticism I thought was coming my way from a room of tough critics.

When Julia was finished, we all got up and made our way downstairs. 20 minutes of compliments and beautifully positive remarks later, I made it to the table in the CL. Person after person stopped me to tell me how touching the practicum was, how beautifully I sang, how interesting and exciting my program was.

Singing Avinu Malkeinu at the ark, with Elana (left) and Michelle (right) serving as my ark-openers.

In the review itself, the only negative feedback was that I sang "too beautifully for chazzanut" (a fair criticism) and that I could have taken more time in certain places. The rest of my review time was filled with compliments on my congregational involvement, my cantorial presence and my vocal growth over the last 2 years. In the days that followed, I continued to get positive feedback from my classmates and teachers...even the maintenance man in charge of video taping--who normally sleeps through our practica--had nice things to say.

I'm not telling you any of this to brag. I'm saying it because I was blown away by how I paid so much attention to the 3 notes I sang incorrectly, the one time I forgot to turn the right way, and the 2 small mistakes in my written program--and paid absolutely NO attention to the millions of things I did WELL. It surprised me in the most remarkable way how the only person who seemed to notice my "glaring" mistakes was ME, and how all of the things I did well completely overshadowed all of the things I did wrong.

It feels strange for me to say that this was a lesson in humility, but it was. Human beings--even those of us who take the road to Clergyville, USA--are allowed to make mistakes. We are even allowed to acknowledge that those mistakes can create something wholly special and unique. Dwelling on silly "oops" moments only detracts from life's otherwise perfect experiences. This practicum taught me the value of being gentle with myself and allowing myself to let go of those silly moments that really don't matter. Life is far too precious to marinate ourselves in our shortcomings.

Singing the Levitt HHD Kiddush, the last piece of my program--partially relieving, partially terrifying.

This practicum was a beautiful gift and lesson that happened to take place right in the middle of the month of Elul. What an incredible moment to stop and think about the mistakes in life that really matter and how to fix them, along with the mistakes that don't matter and how to let them go. Maybe it's the forgiveness--of self and others--that gives us the space inside to allow more beauty and positivity into our lives.

Sounds like a good goal for 5770, huh?

It's A Woman's Perogative...

2009-09-20T13:44:00.004-04:00

...to change her mind.

After thinking about things over the weekend (because clearly, Rosh Hashanah didn't give me enough to think about) I decided that this blog isn't so personal that I need to mark it as private. It doesn't really talk about the intimate details of my life, and the personal stories I do share are nothing I feel I need to hide from the world at large. Thanks to those of you who took the steps to create a password and such; I appreciate your willingness and desire to read the blog despite the block. If I happen to change my mind again and decide to make it private, the username and password you created should remain the same. If I missed some of you who read regularly, my sincere apologies...I went with a list of people I know read on a regular basis. I didn't mean to exclude anyone, and now that I've lifted the privacy block, you should all be able to read freely once again.

Now that that's over, and Rosh Hashanah is over, and I have a little time before Yom Kippur to feel like a human being again, I have time to play catch up and offer you some fun new posts. Get excited for practicum and pulpit-inspired postings!!

Shanah Tovah--Muppet Style

2009-09-16T21:56:00.001-04:00

I have no idea what the guy is saying, other than "Shanah Tovah" (Happy New Year.) Still, a fun way to ring in 5770.

Enjoy!

Acharei HaChagim

2009-09-16T15:49:00.003-04:00

Hey y'all...I've done a terrible job of updating and telling you about the exciting things that have happened in the last week. For this, please forgive me and know a full update will happen acharei hachagim--after the High Holy Days, when life will calm down a little and (hopefully) return to normal.

If you just can't wait until then, I encourage you to head here to check out the newest HUC SSM Blogger (it's me!) I'll be blogging on the HUC website on a monthly basis, so check me out around the middle of the month from now until the end of the school year.

If we don't meet again until acharei hachagim, I wish you and your families a very happy, healthy and sweet new year. L'shanah Tovah U'metukah!

Things I Have Learned About Being a Cantor...

2009-09-06T22:13:00.004-04:00

...From My Student Pulpit, Which Technically Doesn't Begin Until Next Weekend:

-Being a student cantor is a lot of work, even though the job isn't "real." Meetings, photocopying, organizing, learning music, learning Torah, planning services, lesson planning (which I technically haven't started yet) and more.
-Doing all of this long-distance, without a big photocopy machine and unlimited office supplies, makes it feel more stressful than it actually is.
-I am the most unorganized person I know. I have cue sheets, music books and loose music scattered EVERYWHERE in my apartment.
-My apartment is a disaster zone, and will be until the holidays are over. I've just come to accept it.
-The same goes for my diet.
-Working with a rabbi who is excited to have a student cantor is really fun and meaningful.
-My new congregation is pretty rad.
-Double-checking your work is the key to creating useful binders for yourself and your organist. Finding out from your organist that you forgot to insert pages of music or you DID insert the wrong piece of music is humiliating. Yes, I'm admitting to both of these things.
-Not knowing your organist's skills for yourself is frightening, especially when picking out music. You don't want music that is too easy or too difficult, as to not insult the kind person who wants to accompany you.
-It's difficult to pick music, period. There is a lot of HHD music out there. The congregation has favorites. The rabbi has favorites. YOU have favorites. Shmooshing everyone's favorites into one service means a lot of give-and-take. I won't always get to sing what I want or what I know I can sing well. I've learned to be agreeable to that, but I haven't completely learned to be happy about it. I don't know if I ever will.
-None of that matters if the services turn out successfully and your congregation is happy.
-HUC professors, graduates and students are incredibly kind and helpful people.
-Despite my complaining, I am honored and happy to be in this disorganized, crazy place (disorganized and crazy=Tracy's apartment. Her congregation=lovely. Just to clarify.)
-I am going to keep a bottle of something 'adult' in my refrigerator, that I will sip in relief as I finally get around to deep-cleaning my apartment after Simchat Torah.
-The madness will end, even if it still feels like it's going on forever.
-Next year will seem like a piece of cake, as I will be doing this without the pressure and workload of a practicum taking place in 4 days.

The Best Day of the (School) Week

2009-09-03T21:34:00.003-04:00

I almost hate to say this for fear that my words will spite me, but it must be said: So far, this year has been awesome.

I once again look forward to coming to my classes, hanging out with my classmates and friends, and roaming the Conference Level (lovingly known to HUC'ers as the 'CL') in search of practice rooms, leftover food, and that one piece of HHD music that inevitably gets left at home the day I want to do my photocopying. So far, my classes are enjoyable and appropriately challenging, and the workload has been reasonable. Some days I am actually able to see how all of these different subjects and styles of Jewish music we're learning really do come together in creating the next batch of modern cantors.

Wednesdays are by far my favorite day of the week. My day starts with a new class (an elective!!) on the music of Debbie Friedman. The best part: Debbie Friedman TEACHES the class. Most of you who read this know who she is and love her music; if you don't know of her, she's a singer/songwriter (NOT a cantor) who, with a handful of other Jewish songwriters, has helped to change the face of Jewish music as we know it. Her repertoire is so much bigger than I ever realized, and the point of this particular class is to go through some of her lesser know music in hopes that we can bring it into our congregations. As we learn the pieces, we also hear her personal stories of how and why she wrote them, along with her and our classmates' interpretations of the Hebrew texts. It is a very fun, relaxing way to begin the day, and our small class size allows for beautifully intimate conversations about God, Torah, liturgy and Judaism.

Then, it's time for practica/recitals. This week began the year's cycle of practica with my 3rd year class (is it as weird for you as it is for me to acknowledge that I'm in the 3rd year class?) This past Wednesday, Vicky and Michelle beautifully delivered their traditional and reform S'lichot practica. Next Wednesday, Julia and I are on the chopping block with our Rosh Hashanah practica (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.) Elana will sing in October, and then our class is done until our second round of practica begin in January. I truly love and value the time spent preparing for and attending practica...but I'll be incredibly happy when mine is over next week.

After the lunchtime practicum discussion, we move onto our Traditional High Holy Day workshop with Hazzan Jack Mendelson. Jack's preferred method of teaching is as follows: open the siddur, follow along as he sings for you, sing it yourself, and repeat it over and over again until you get the notes and--more importantly--the cantorial inflection correct. He encourages us not to even look at the music until we leave class--I think this is so we pick up on the nuances and ignore the burden of looking at the complicated note patterns on the page. At first, the visual learner in me started to freak out about this--but when I opened the music and the prayerbook to learn my assignment for last Wednesday's class, I was amazed that I hardly needed to look at the music. Many of the notes had stayed with me more than I expected, and more than that, I naturally sang them in the style he wanted us to. It was an interesting lesson in my own methods of learning and confidence in my own retention abilities.

The thing I love most about my Wednesdays is that I am either singing or listening to music ALL DAY LONG. I begin the day with current melodies and end with the melodies of our tradition, and the two usually merge in the middle of the day with the practica/recitals. I am seeing more and more how even contemporary composers use the modes and nuances of traditional melodies in creating pieces that are singable for a congregation. I am also realizing that there is truly a place for all styles of music within reform Judaism, and how I as the cantor can make even traditional Nusach feel as accessible to my congregants as the melodies of Debbie Friedman. It feels good to know that the training we receive at HUC from our amazing teachers and from the music itself is going to serve us so well when we do finally hop off this wild ride known as cantorial school.

Speaking of a wild ride, I am off to run through my practicum program for the 5,798,417th time. Much love!

Kallah 2009

2009-08-29T12:27:00.005-04:00

The campus of HUC-NYC differs in many ways from the other campuses of Hebrew Union College. One of our differences? We are the only campus to offer all 3 of HUC's programs: Rabbinic, Cantorial, and Jewish Education/Communal Service.

The best difference? We are the only campus to offer a back-to-school Kallah, a school-wide retreat that takes place in the first few days of the school year. Every year, people head back from wherever their summer plans led them and gather at a campground in upstate NY for a few days of learning, relaxation and fun.

Usually, Kallah is held at Camp Kutz, a well-known URJ-sponsored summer camp. This year, due to scheduling conflicts, we had Kallah at Camp Iroquois Springs in Rock Hill, NY. How can anyone complain when you spend 3 days frolicking around in this:

The cabins were newly renovated and comfortable, and the weather was PERFECT. The only caveat: mosquitoes. Lots and lots and lots of mosquitoes.

Every year Kallah is themed in order to focus the learning and events. This year, the theme was "Me'ayin Yavo Ezri, Sources of Strength in Challenging Times." Given the current state of the economy and the stresses on our congregations and the world at large because of it, this year's theme was perfect. We did some basic text studies in responding to the needs of those in stressful situations, and spent a large amount of time discussing both the changing state of the Reform community and the need for self-care in stressful times. The faculty did a beautiful job of leading symposiums and discussions on how they take care of themselves, and how self-care can actually assist a Jewish professional in caring for the needs of their community.

Part of the message of Kallah was to give us lots of time to ourselves, to allow us to fill our time in ways that pleased US. I spent some time each day taking long walks, either alone or with friends, to enjoy my time in nature and stretch my legs a bit. The walks were such a delight, especially when I found this:

And this:

This little road was so beautiful and peaceful that I sat by the water for just a bit before continuing on my way. I love that I had this time to soak it all in, and can still see and hear the water when I close my eyes. It's nice to have these images now that I'm back in the city, far from the peace and tranquility of this beautiful place.

The best part of any Kallah, however is the various t'fillot we are able to participate in. It is customary at Kallah to stretch the boundaries of our prayer experience and introduce the community to something new and different. We had several beautiful services, all led by our amazing students and faculty. To re-enter this community and hear the amazing sounds of 100 to-be rabbis, cantors and educators, mixed with experienced and passionate faculty, is truly wonderful. While I believe wholeheartedly that congregational prayer is beautiful, there is nothing at all like the sound of people praying when they know what they are praying about, and hold their own interpretations of the liturgies.

There is also something beautiful about the vulnerability that comes from prayer services at Kallah. To see my classmates go out on a limb to try something new, especially when they know it can fail, is remarkable. It was perfectly timed, as the Jewish people are entering the month of Elul, a month of self-reflection and returning to God before the High Holy Days. Elul brings a certain sense of vulnerability as we remember our wrongs and work to correct them before we enter Rosh Hashanah with a clean slate. For me, as I think about all those times I wanted to try something--scholastically or spiritually--and didn't because I was afraid or thought it wouldn't work, I was moved to a place of courage and strength. To everyone who led t'fillah during Kallah, thank you for allowing me to find these things within myself. May your examples help all of us find the strength to put ourselves out there and maybe--just maybe--be as successful as you were.

Of course, it wouldn't be a Kallah without a campfire, s'mores, and lots o'beer. I'm sad that most of my pictures didn't turn out (damn lighting) but I managed to catch a couple of cool ones.

The big, beautiful campfire. We roasted marshmallows for s'mores, shared many laughs over impressions of SSM faculty, and generally enjoyed each other's company.

A blurry but cute picture of Adam (my new HUC BFF), me and Brian (who joined us this year from the LA campus.) Gotta represent my Cardinals!

All in all, Kallah 2009 was a wonderful way to re-enter the world of HUC. I definitely feel more connected to my classmates and teachers, and am recharged and excited to get back to work!

Jump Right In, The Water's Fine!

2009-08-22T12:21:00.003-04:00

It's been a whirlwind of a week (week and a half?) since I last wrote. I am happy to report that for perhaps the first time ever since I've lived in NYC, I feel good, content, dare I say HAPPY about being here. With everything that I have going on right now (and the school year hasn't even started yet!) I've been able to put my nose to the grindstone and get cracking on what I'm feeling will be a fantastic year.

First on the docket: PRACTICUM. Like I wrote in my last post, I have my second practicum on September 9. Since I did absolutely no work during the summer, I've been working hard to put together a program of music that is interesting, practical, and beautiful. I'm thrilled with my selections and so thankful for the help and advice given to me by the amazing faculty of the SSM. I've had 3 coachings this week and already feel like the practicum is in semi-decent shape. For those of you who are familiar with Jewish music, here is the program thus far:

Hin'ni--Meir Finkelstein
Bachodesh Hashvi'i--acc. to High Holy Day trope
Tik'u--Fredrick Piket
Barechu--Louis Lewandowski (the old, familiar melody that everyone loves to sing at HHDs.)
Chatzi Kaddish--Israel Alter
Kadosh Atah--Max Janowski (so excited for this! Janowski is one of the reasons I am becoming a cantor. Amazing!)
EITHER Avinu Malkeinu--Bruce Ruben followed by the folk song OR an arrangement of B'sefer Chayim composer TBD
Sermon Anthem: M'loch--Israel Alter
Kiddush--Abraham Leavitt

There are a lot of big pieces in this program, which excites me. I'm also working with a fabulous organist who adds so, so much to the program. I feel like I'm in my element, singing the music that inspired me to come to HUC. Singing it makes me very happy, indeed :)

NEXT: High Holy Days

When you see your cantors and rabbis at your HHD services, give them a big hug. And maybe a beer. They deserve both, and by the end of Yom Kippur, they'll need them.

This year I have taken on the responsibility of making music binders for myself and the organist and Temple Beth Israel, my student congregation. I didn't realize just how huge of a task this was going to be, and I've already spent many hours slaving away over cue sheets and copy machines. It's really exciting to be the first "cantor" my congregation has ever had, but it's an awful lot of work to prepare. I must say, though, that I've had a wonderful time planning with the rabbi I am working with, who has allowed me to share all of my thoughts and opinions and create services that please both of us (and hopefully the congregation!) I am almost done organizing my Rosh Hashanah binders, save for a few pieces I left at home during my photocopying extravaganza on Thursday (damn.)

Work aside, I've had a lot of opportunity to see old friends, meet the new 2nd year cantorial students who all seem nice and talented, and further explore this crazy city. It feels nice to have some old, familiar spots and hangouts while also discovering new ones every day.

Right now, as I am relishing this sweet Shabbat and still digesting last night's wonderful Shabbas dinner (thanks RGM!) with REALLY GOOD friends, I am thankful and happy to be here.

It's going to be a good year, guys.

BTW--I tried uploading pics to this post, but blogger is being weird. I'll post some soon, I promise!

And So It Begins...

2009-08-13T13:55:00.004-04:00

Well, I made it back to NYC safe and sound, my 104 pounds of luggage in tow (the nice man at the airport cleared my bags, even though they were each slightly overweight. For these and other small miracles in life, hallelujah!) My apartment was fine, save for more than a few "visitors" of the 4-legged variety. After a small (okay, not so small) breakdown and a sushi lunch from my favorite sushi place on my street, I set to work cleaning up, unpacking and making 3C once again feel like home.

It amazed me just how fast I was able to re-acclimate to my NY lifestyle. Once my apartment was rid of dead vermin and was somewhat clean, it began to feel cozy and home-like again. I had such fun walking around my neighborhood yesterday, eating brunch at my favorite diner and walking past the charming little shops on Ditmars. I'd forgotten just how great Astoria is and how much I love living away from home (sorry mom.)

Now that things are somewhat in order, I'm already getting started on schoolwork and pulpit work for the year. First up: PRACTICUM! Third year students present 2 practicum during the year, and my first is coming up all too soon on September 9 (on 09/09/09...cool, huh?) This semester's topic is a Reform-style Rosh Hashana Evening, and I'm actually really looking forward to it. I have A LOT of music to learn and stuff to do for the practicum, but I'm familiar with a lot of the music (thanks to Faith's RH workshop last semester) and I'm hoptimistic that the program will come together nicely.

Then I have exactly -5 minutes to breathe before High Holy Days are upon us! I'm more than excited to head to my new pulpit in York, PA to lead both High Holy Days and 20 weekend services this year. I've already put together cue sheets for Rosh Hashana, and I'm heading to York this weekend to meet with the rabbi and discuss RH, Yom Kippur, Slichot (first time for that!) and Simchat Torah (that too!) Since many of the chagim are on weekends this year, I'm going to have plenty of opportunities to learn holiday liturgy and repertoire. I'm very excited, to say the least!

Music and holidays aside, I'm excited to meet this congregation and work with Jeff, my rabbinic mentor. Stepping into a new congregation is always a little nervewracking, but already the congregation has worked to make me feel comfortable and welcome. My first weekend is September 11-13, and the congregation has organized a special oneg for that Friday night to welcome me. Everyone is already so lovely and I look forward to serving them.

I'm very thankful that I was able to come back to NYC and feel so happy and comfy right off the bat. I'd forgotten that things are always a little easier when you know what to expect and you're no longer the new kid in town. I'm excited to see everyone and get back in the swing of things, as hectic and stressful as the year may be!

Sending lots of love from cloudy (but cool and lovely) Astoria!

Favorite Places, Favorite Faces

2009-08-06T23:33:00.005-04:00

Summer 2009 has officially rocked.

How can it be anything but wonderful when I look at and sing with these faces every day?

The twins on my sides are 4-year-olds with autism. They ADORE music, and this year, they proudly stood in front of their class to lead us in "Hinei Mah Tov." They also sing the heck out of their ABC's. It's been such a joy to watch them blossom this summer.

I've also bravely started playing guitar at camp. It was time...my guitar skills have improved so much in the last 3 weeks, and the kids seem to enjoy the musical energy the guitar brings to camp. I'm happy with my decision to start playing despite my less-than-mediocre guitar skills.

The kids have been such a wonderful part of my summer. They love music time and sing with so much joy and spirit. I'm pleased with the repetoire of both Jewish and children's music they've learned, particularly the songs we've learned for Shabbat. This age group is my absolute favorite to work with--I will miss them to no end when camp ends tomorrow.

I've also been able to enjoy some of my favorite faces and favorite places this summer.

Rachel and I at the Fabulous Fox Theatre, seeing Rent for the 4th time together. This viewing was particularly special because 2 of the members of the Original Broadway Cast were in the cast. Rach and I have been best friends since 4th grade, so we spend a lot of time together whenever we're both in St Louis (one or both of us has lived in a different city ever since college.)

I spent my 27th birthday with my family, watching the St Louis Cardinals beat the Arizona Diamondbacks 6-1. Albert Pujols, my boyfriend, hit 2 homeruns that night. He knew it was my birthday, obviously :)

The next day, I joined my best friend from college, Leah, on a trip to Columbia, Missouri, the home of the University of Missouri-Columbia. I looked at these columns everyday for 4 years, and I still kvell at the sight of them.
Cutest pic of Leah and I that we've ever taken.

Another fun event of the summer was my cousin Whitney's baby shower. Her first baby (and the first baby of any of my cousins) is due in September. Our family is very excited, to say the least! Whitney and her husband Adam live in Washington, DC, so it was nice to see them for an afternoon. I am going to her DC-area baby shower the weekend after I return to NYC.

The Fishbein/Sanger/Arnold ladies: Me, my mom, Stefie, Aunt Diane, Whitney, Aunt Bonnie, Emily

Just last week, I visited some sweet friends in my beloved Cincinnati. My friends Dave and Gal and their daughter Dahlia were driving cross country from San Francisco to Cincy so Dave could continue his rabbinical studies, so I joined them on their last leg of their journey. I love Cincinnati--a peaceful midwestern city with reasonable prices, dishwashers, central AC and sweet people. Most of my good friends from the year-in-Israel are there (including my ex-roomie turned best HUC friend Steph) and I am sad that I can't be with them. Our visit was very low key and chill, but it was wonderful. I was able to see Steph, Batya, Carlie and the Spinrad crew, and also met Steph's wonderful boyfriend Bobby.

Dave, Carlie (the daughter of another of our rabbinical student friends, Erin) and Dave's daughter Dahlia.

Me, Bobby, Steph

Me and Batya--even 115 lbs lighter than in Israel, I still manage to look gigantic next to her. Ah, well.

At this point in time I am packing to return to NYC on Tuesday. Like I've said, it's been a wonderful summer and I am truly sad to be leaving St Louis. This summer, I've come to love and appreciate St Louis in a way I never have before. I've been able to do fun things and explore the city in a whole new way, and I've learned that I would truly be happy to spend the rest of my life here.

Readjusting to life in NYC is going to be difficult. This year, I want to try to stay positive and learn to appreciate the struggles that come from living in such a hurried and expensive city. I want to continue to love school and the experiences that come my way. I want to lose myself in work and the friendships that I DO have in New York. I want to smile and learn to find my peace with the Big Apple, even if I never enjoy living there.

Even if none of that happens, I am so happy to have this picture to help me laugh a little from time to time. I was taking goofy pictures of Noah, my dog, and he smiled for the camera. :)

How can you not smile when you look at that picture? I mean, really.

To everyone who played a part in my amazing summer in St Louis, thank you. I've loved spending this time with you and creating unforgettable memories!!

Another First

2009-07-10T17:31:00.002-04:00

Today, I played the role of "chazzan" for my first funeral.

It was intense and scary, sad and heartbreaking. An experience I wasn't looking forward to, though I knew it would come eventually.

Out of love and respect for this family and their loved ones, I don't want to speak too candidly about the experience. All I will say is that it doesn't matter how well you know the person who passed or the family in mourning--singing in front of the heartbroken family and friends of that person is difficult. For a sometimes overly-emotional person like me, who DID know the person (though not well) and has close ties to his family and friends, it's tough to put the blinders on and get the job done.

But somehow, I did, and the service went as well as could be expected.

I was truly honored to sing for this family, and it will be an experience I will never forget. Thank you for choosing me to help make the service a beautiful one for the hundreds of loved ones who attended. My heart and prayers are with you during this difficult time.

May Michael's memory be for a blessing, and may you all be comforted among the mourners of Zion.

My Summer Job/Cuteness Overload!!

2009-07-06T17:56:00.011-04:00

The beautiful JCC campgrounds. The kids have access to an amazing playground, swimming pool, ball fields, pavilions and tons of beautiful shaded areas, in addition to the brand new JCC indoor facility.

This group was SO EXCITED to have their picture taken while they ate lunch. Cuteness overload #1.

This post contains an overwhelming amount of the most adorable Jewish children you'll ever see. The cuteness is so palpable, I bet even my dad will find these kids adorable :)

For the second summer in a row, I've been working for the St Louis JCC as the Music Specialist for their preschool camp. Basically, my job is to sing Jewish and children's songs with kids ages 3-5, while simultaneously basking in their cuteness, eating my fair share of icey-pops, and receiving at least 10 excited hugs a day. The other staff is an amazing group of teachers and teenagers who love children and day camps as much as I do. It's an honor and a pleasure to work with them, especially when they're not afraid to act silly with the kids and sing in the "monster voices" the kids have come to love so much.

Cuteness overload #2

I couldn't love the job more if I tried.

Did I mention I play my autoharp? I brought my guitar home from NYC to attempt to play that, instead, but chickened out when I remembered that I'd had my autoharp (a used gift from my rabbi a few years ago) repaired the summer before. The kids are FASCINATED by it, and ne'er a day goes by without at least one child sweetly requesting to play it. I'm always amazed at how gentle they are when they use their one finger (my rule) to strum the strings lightly. I think Dr Sims, my college elementary music ed professor, would be mighty proud to see my autoharpin' skills put to such good use. I'm clearly the cool kid on the block :)

I'm also amazed at the amount of songs these kids are able to pick up. We sing a lot in Hebrew, learning names of colors, body parts and family members in addition to the liturgical pieces we sing. They've also learned the sign language to Shalom Chaverim, which I find completely adorable when we sing it at the end of every music lesson. And seldom does a day go by when I don't sing "I'm Bringin' Home a Baby Bumblebee..." which the kids can not sing enough of (though their counselors and music teacher are pretty much over it...)

So, in case the pictures didn't quite overload you with cuteness, I've included some videos. The first is "Good Morning, Boker Tov", which is the way we begin every music lesson. I tell the kids the firemen across the street love to hear them, so they should sing nice and loud...but not scream (as they love to remind me!)

Cuteness overload #3

The next is a version of Hinei Mah Tov that the kids are addicted to...it's become such a part of our routine that they remind me if I "forget" to sing it.

Cuteness overload #4

I should also mention that these kids are going to be the next generation of American Idols...we have our own "American Idol" time everyday, when the kids can get up and sing a song of their choosing to their group members. I love that the kids are learning how to sing in front of others and how to be polite, respectful audience members. To hear some of them sing "LMNOP" during the alphabet song is too precious for words.

And, upon asking them what holiday was coming up on Saturday (Independence Day), the kids shouted "SHABBAT!!" at the top of their lungs. Instead of singing "Yankee Doodle", we sang Shabbat songs. I adore these children, and this job.

To say that I'm excited to one day lead Tot Shabbat services for my congregation is an understatement. I love, love LOVE this age group and the amazing things they can do.

Blog Makeover!

2009-07-04T16:36:00.003-04:00

For a long time now, I've been wanting to give Blog Sameach a new look. My dear college friend Elizabeth, from McFar-gan: A Midwestern Matrimony, made the adorable header you see at the top of the page. From there, it was easy to tweak the layout and colors to match! I'm thrilled with the new look and I hope it's just as easy and fun to read as my previous layout. Many, many thanks to Elizabeth for helping to make this beautiful header--I love it!

If you have a chance, hop on over to her blog for her insights on life as a newly-married music teacher and Rockstar Adult!

Thanks again, Elizabeth!

A Summer of Simchas

2009-07-03T19:09:00.004-04:00

It's been quite a busy summer here in St Louis! Besides working, I've been enjoying a plethora of happy occasions--4 weddings of friends and family, a cousin's Bat Mitzvah in Maine, and many happy reunions with old friends from high school and college. I've had the opportunity to sing in 4/5 of these events, learning the melodies of the liturgy of the Jewish wedding service and the feel and flow of a NON-Jewish wedding. I was also able to participate in some of the happiest moments of my families' lives, beaming with pride as I helped to marry my cousin Hilary and bless my distant cousin Sarah as she became a Bat Mitzvah.

The wedding madness began the day after I returned home to St Louis, with my friend Katy's wedding to her now-husband Erich. I enjoyed being a guest and watching my childhood rabbi marry these 2 lovely people. Katy and I have grown up together at Temple Israel, and we also attended Mizzou together. She was even my pledge daughter in our Sigma Alpha Iota years. At her wedding, I was reunite with some of my SAI sisters, which lead to a wonderful evening and reunion.

SAI sisters reunite! Top from left: Cassy, Katy, Tarrah, Stacey, Megan, me. Bottom from left: Cheryl, Christi

The next night, I was blessed to sing in my first Jewish wedding for my friends Josh and Emily. Josh and I have known each other since high school, where we sang in choir together. I'm honored to say that Josh is not only a friend of mine, but he is now officially also my colleague! He and his new wife Emily just arrived in Jerusalem for their first year as HUC students--Josh as a cantorial student (yay for men in the cantorate!) and Emily as a rabbinical student. I was excited to bestow the Sheva Brachot (Seven Wedding Blessings) and I am equally excited that they are beginning their careers as Jewish leaders. Though I don't have a good picture to share with you, I promise a good time was had by all who attended their lovely ceremony and reception.

Less than a week later, I stood under the chuppah of my cousin Hilary's wedding, where she married her love, Doug. This wedding was a big deal, not only because she is the first cousin on my dad's side of the family to get married, but because this was the first ceremony in which I've ever officially co-officiated! I stood next to St Louis legend Rabbi Joe Rosenblum and sang many of the traditional (not one not-so-traditional) wedding blessings to my cousin. It was a huge honor and pleasure to be given this duty, and I was thrilled with how beautifully everything turned out.

Singing a wedding blessing to my cousin Hilary and her now-husband Doug

The last wedding on my agenda for the summer was that of my college music-ed friend (and twin!) Elizabeth. This wedding was exciting on many levels, the highest being that it was my first-ever non-Jewish wedding. Until June 12, I had never attended a wedding ceremony that wasn't Jewish, and I had no idea how other religions run their wedding ceremonies. Elizabeth and Kyle's wedding was beautiful from start to finish; I love the variety of music they were able to include and the beautiful sense of spirituality that enveloped the entire church and congregation.

There was a slightly funny story involved with Elizabeth and Kyle's wedding that put me in a bit of a predicament. When Elizabeth first contacted me about singing in her wedding, she was interested in having me sing a set of Hebrew songs by composer Eric Whitacre. As the wedding came closer, she realized that the song needed to be a little shorter due to time constraints. So, she asked me and another friend of hers to sing a contemporary Christian song called "How Beautiful." When I first read through the lyrics, I was incredibly uncomfortable with singing this song in front of a group of old college friends--many people knew that I am Jewish and studying to be a cantor. How would it look for me to be singing this song in a church, in front of a pastor and God, knowing that I don't believe that the person I am singing to is as holy of a being as everyone else there believed? I didn't want to seem disrespectful or out-of-place, and I didn't want to sing a piece that seemed like a lie.

So I thought about it, and talked to very important people about it (my mom is pretty smart sometimes) and realized that it didn't matter what I believed or didn't believe. I was asked to sing a song to my friend, whom I dearly love, at her wedding. Of all the musical people she knows (and as a very successful music teacher and choir conductor, she knows a lot of talented musical people!) she asked ME to sing in her wedding. So I did, out of love and respect for my friend, her family, and her husband. The song turned out beautifully, and no one questioned my purpose or reasoning for singing it. After all, we both believe in the same God, and that God was certainly present for these lovely people on their special day. It was another one of those "it's not about me, it's about the congregation" moments that pop up all the time in my work on the bimah. Thanks, Elizabeth and Kyle, for not only allowing me to sing in your beautiful wedding, but also to think and learn this invaluable lesson.

Kyle and Elizabeth as they exited the church after the ceremony

The last simcha (thus far) of the summer didn't involve a wedding, but instead was the Bat Mitzvah of my mom's cousin's daughter, Sarah. The last time I saw Sarah was at a Bar Mitzvah 12 years ago (Sarah was 4 months old,) so it tells you how long it's been since I've seen this side of the family. My mom and I traveled to Waterville, Maine for the beautiful affair, and were reunited with cousins, aunts and uncles we haven't seen in far too long. All in all, it was a fun weekend of shmoozing, eating (duh) and wandering around Colby College and the other beautiful sights that Waterville has to offer. I should also mention that Sarah did a beautiful job on the bimah, chanting Torah and leading the service like a pro. I was asked to sing a Shalom Rav (a prayer for peace) at the afternoon service, which I happily did. It was wonderful to sing for these family members, many of whom have not seen me since I was a teenager.

Many of the strong, beautiful women in my family. From left to right: Nilda (Sarah's proud mama), cousin Gale Ann, Sarah, my Aunt Diane, my Aunt Bonnie, Aunt Perle, Aunt Mert (the two matriarchs of our family), my proud mama, me, cousin Edda.

All in all, it's been a beautiful, joyful summer which will continue with my cousin Whitney's baby shower later this month. I love having so many simchas to celebrate...as my Aunt Perle put it last week, "I might not be around for everything, but I never miss a simcha!" Wise words from a wise woman.

Mazal tov to my friends and family members: Katy and Erich, Josh and Emily, Hilary and Doug, Elizabeth and Kyle, and the entire Wolman family. It was a pleasure to celebrate with all of you. May your lives be filled with every happiness, and may we all have many more simchas in the years to come!

Also, thanks to those who supplied the pics that I stole from Facebook...

L'Hitraot

2009-06-17T22:09:00.004-04:00

First of all, thanks for sticking by me despite my lack of posting as of late...it's been nice to take a little hiatus from blogging and adjust back to life as a normal person in a normal city. God I love St Louis...and no, I don't miss NYC one bit. School and people, yes. NYC, not one single tiny little minuscule bit.

A month ago (holy cow, it was a month ago!) my congregation in South Bend threw a lovely going away concert/benefit/reception in my honor. I was the "star" performer, along with congregant Dr. Steve Gerber on piano, and put on a concert of some of the Jewish music I've learned this year along with some favorites from the world of musical theater. The concert was a smashing success, with a great audience--including my mom and brother, who drove all the way from St Louis to surprise me! It was a wonderful way to say thank you to this congregation that's held me so lovingly all year long, and to say "L'hitraot"--not an official goodbye, but more like a "see you soon."

Towards the end of the concert, Rabbi Siroka presented me with a beautiful gift from the congregation and bestowed t'filat haderech, the traveler's prayer, upon me. After the concert the amazing Jewish mama's of the congregation threw a beautiful reception, complete with cake, flowers and punch, in my honor. It was the sweetest way to say goodbye to so many of my South Bend friends and family.

Huge thanks to those who worked so hard to plan such a lovely evening. I will remember it, and my time as Student Cantor at Temple Beth-El, for a very long time.

As excited as I am to be moving on and trying something new for the coming school year, I have to admit that I'm a little sad that I won't be returning to this congregation. I learned so many invaluable lessons on gimilut chasadim (deeds of kindness) and hachnasat orchim (welcoming guests) that I will carry with me throughout my career and my life as a Jew. I have loved hearing this congregation as they've sung and prayed with me, and I will miss their beautiful voices and sweet spirit for a long time to come. Thank you all for welcoming me so lovingly, and for allowing me to pray with you. It was truly an honor and a pleasure to serve as Student Cantor.

I leave you with pictures and the promise of a real post about my summer break thus far in the near future.

My wonderful accompanist, Steve, and I. Check out the flowers on the piano...did we coordinate that well or what?!

My friend and mentor, Rabbi Eric Siroka

My South Bend "Mama" extraordinare, Posi

My family, right after they surprised me. When I saw them walking through the door, I literally screamed...I was completely surprised!

Eric bestowing T'filat Haderech upon me.

The delicious cake made for the event...by an amazingly talented congregant, no less!

Afterglow

2009-05-13T08:44:00.001-04:00

COMPS ARE OVER!!! And I lived to tell :)

For the full effect of just how good it feels to know they are over and done with, turn up the volume of your speakers as loud as they can go and then play the video.

This is the piece that the choir sung at Investiture/Ordination, right after the last new rabbi was ordained. If there's ever a time to burst into a song of this nature, that's it! (and after comps, of course :)) It's one of my new favorite pieces of choral music ever, probably because of it's connection to the event in which I first sang it. It's also so damn fun to sing and hear.

Those of you who've been with me since the beginning of this year know full well that it's been a rough year for me. I've had a rough transition to New York and everything that accompanies it; mice, public transportation, the different mannerisms of some of the people here, the fast pace, etc. It's also been a rough year in the Jewish world; my mentor lost her job at my home congregation, my good cantorial student friend was unable to get a job for next year, a lot of Jewish organizations have crumbled or faced extreme layoffs etc. This year, it's been especially hard to find inspiration to stay focused and excited about my future as a Jewish leader. For the first time ever, I felt myself losing my motivation to make this dream come true, which was both depressing and scary.

You all are probably also aware that the last few weeks have been especially crazy around here. As soon as Pesach was over (it was only 3 weeks ago!), I hit the ground running, writing a crazy-long Bible final, enjoying a visit to South Bend, planning and executing 2 very successful morning services, singing at Investiture/Ordination, finals week, comps, and now a concert for my last (!!!) visit to South Bend, a choir concert in Albany, moving home to STL for the summer, and singing in 2 weddings my first week home. It's still crazy around here, but I couldn't have asked for a better end to my semester.

I have to say that the end of this semester has been so great that I'd put up with this year all over again. Especially when you wake up in the morning and see the following email from a professor in your inbox:

"You were superb in every way.

Nuances!! Elegant phrases!!!

So much kavanah, in everything you sang, OMG, it was beyond great.

Thanks for the memories, and Kol Hakavod."

To all of you who've stuck by me this year, and who've read my sometimes depressing posts about my very real life here, I thank you. I so deeply appreciate your love and support, and you're a huge part of the reason that I've been able to stick it out. Todah Rabah to all of you.

What does a cantorial student do with herself the day after comps? She goes shopping for a pretty dress to wear to her concert on Saturday night, of course! I'm thinking a mani/pedi may also be in order :)

Comprehensive Exams!

2009-05-09T23:04:00.003-04:00

Finals are over! Yay! After 3 intense weeks of work, reading, writing papers and music curricula, and a plethora of other things, it's finally summertime!

Oh, wait. We're cantorial students. Scratch that.

Now that finals are over, it's officially time for comprehensive exams. What does that mean?

It means lots of this:

Yep, it's a large. 32 ounces of fat free, caffeine-y, iced latte goodness. You know how I roll.

And a lot of time with these guys:

The works of Adolf Katchko (dark blue), Israel Alter (light blue), and Noah Schall (orange). They wrote the books on chazzanut (literally--there they are in the picture!) and we use them to learn how to daven in the traditional manner. I've spent so much time with them in the last few weeks that I feel extremely close to them now. If the books were actual people, we'd probably be close to married.

Finally, you throw in a traditional siddur, one that is used in a Conservative or Orthodox congregation. To help with organization, I've tabbed each prayer I need to sing. The colors represent the different services we're required to know for this year's exam.

I jokingly refer to this as "Tracy and the Siddur of Many Colors." There are actually blue tabs in there too, but they're hidden by the others. And in case you were wondering:

Pink=Kabbalat Shabbat
Green=Ma'ariv (Shabbat evening)
Orange=Shacharit (Shabbat morning)
Blue=Musaf

Basically, the gist of comps is to be able to pray from the siddur with as little music as possible. Most of what we have to sing is required from the siddur itself, meaning we have to memorize the melodies and sing from the actual text. We are able to use music for some of the longer, more difficult pieces, but they don't account for much of our exam. We also have to sing 2 contemporary pieces, one from our Contemporary Shabbat class last semester and one from our Contemporary Rosh Hashana class this semester.

The exams take about 30 minutes from start to finish, and are done in front of the Olympic judges (Okay, the entire SSM faculty.) It's more than a little intimidating and I am scared out of my mind to sing on Tuesday morning. Thank goodness we'll be well prepared (thanks to our classes and professors and the hours upon hours of practice time we've put into this) and we know everyone there is rooting for us.

And, the best part is that as of 11:00 Tuesday morning, it's officially SUMMERTIME!

Until then, send love my way, and keep your fingers crossed that my brain doesn't go to Bermuda when I'm on the bimah on Tuesday morning (it's only right to use a Steinsnyder-ism to end this post.)

Home to STL for the summer in 2 weeks!

Investiture/Ordination

2009-05-03T23:11:00.002-04:00

Today was exactly what I needed to get back on the "being a cantor is a wonderful thing" bandwagon.

Today, 11 cantorial students and 14 rabbinical students went from being ordinary people, to extraordinary cantors and rabbis.

The ceremony was so beautiful; tons of good music (yours truly sang in the choir, and several of our amazing faculty sang special blessings and/or wrote music in honor of the class), lots of family members and friends, and beautiful blessings from the entire HUC community. The process of being invested or ordained is also quite lovely; one-by-one students are called up to the ark and given a special blessing by the HUC-JIR President, Rabbi David Ellenson. He spoke to each student while the student's choice of song was played on the organ, with his hands placed gently on each student's cheeks, later giving them each a kiss on the forehead and a big hug of congratulations.

The ceremony was so unlike my high school and college graduations; there was so much emotion in the air. After 5 years of school, I'd imagine one is ready to get out into the world and be an amazing cantor or rabbi. However, you're also saying goodbye to the friends and teachers who've been with you every step of the way.

And now instead of being friends and/or teachers, you're also colleagues. Weird to think about, but also kind of awesome.

It's also the realization of your wildest dreams; you're no longer planning on going to cantorial school or studying to become a cantor--you ARE a cantor. How cool must that be?

I spent the majority of today's service in tears. I've come to know and like these new cantors as I've enjoyed watching and/or participating in their recitals and sharing many a pracitcum discussion with them. They are amazing people and will make such necessary and great changes in the Jewish world. But more than that, I realized that there is indeed a light at the end of the tunnel, a reason for struggling through comps and history papers and public transportation that's never on time.

Is it weird that I'm already envisioning Rabbi Ellenson's hands on my face, seeing my family, C-Squad members, and favorite faculty member beaming with pride, knowing that I've already accomplished my biggest life goal?

That vision is one I've needed for awhile now. And it's one that will carry me through terrible semesters like this one, not to mention finals and comps and apartment problems.

Throughout this rotten semester, I've spent a lot of time questioning my reasons for being here.
Feeling like I wasn't strong enough, good enough, talented enough to make it in the big, bad cantorial world.
Wondering if I had a place in this Jewish world that sometimes seems to put cantors on the backburner.
Worried about my own future and the future of the cantorate as a whole.

Today I remembered why I am here, and I became excited again to serve the Jewish people and to sing to God with gladness.

Most importantly, I remembered just how special this profession is. I get to sing my heart out to God on behalf of my people, bringing God's presence into their lives in a way that simple speech or reading never could. That fact alone is all I need to pull me through the roughest times of cantorial school and life in New York City.

Well, that and my ever-expanding list of song choices for my Investiture 3 years from now, of course :-)

Check It Out!

2009-05-01T17:18:00.003-04:00

This is the beautiful flier that was put together to advertise the concert I am giving in South Bend, during my last scheduled visit with Temple Beth El. I know it's a drive for most of you, but if you are willing and able to come, I would LOVE to see you there!

PS--click on the link to enlarge the poster, so you can read about the details. It's a fun night of Jewish music and musical theater (is there really a difference, I ask you?)

2009-04-29T23:08:00.005-04:00

This week, my friend Jill and I were responsible for leading morning t'fillah at school. Though we only had 2 days of school this week, our task was mighty, especially on the last day of classes.

It was Yom Hazikaron, Israeli memorial day for fallen soliders and victims of terrorist attacks. Unlike the United States, Israel's memorial day is taken very seriously, and is a solemn and sad day for Israelis.

It was also the last day of classes for the year. One of HUC-NYC's traditions on the last day of class is to invite up all of the graduating cantorial, rabbinical and education students to say Kaddish D'rabbanan, a special prayer that is said at the completion of one's studies.

As you can imagine, it was quite a challenge to create a service that maintained the sanctity
of Yom Hazikaron and celebrated the success of our classmates. Jill and I worked tirelessly last week to create a service that was meaningful, beautiful, and memorable.

It just goes to show that hard work and thoughtfulness can pay off in a big way. Our service went over beautifully--we were able to mourn the losses of the State of Israel while still singing and dancing with our graduates. Nothing was compromised, everything was remembered, and our efforts majorly worked in our favor. I sang well (people were complementing me even today, a full day later, on the service) and Jill delivered her teachings and blessings to the graduates with gusto.

I was also excited to deliver my first iyun (teaching) to the community. Before we sang Mi Chamocha, I offered up these words:

The following words were taken from the diary of Alex Singer, a 25-year-old fallen solider, written one year before his death near the Israel-Lebanon border.

As I progress toward the course's end
I feel a pang of fear.
Today I felt such fear.
If the war comes,
When the war comes,
I will have to lead men to die.
But those men were not men a short time ago
Some don't even shave yet.
And I will have to have the calm power
to yell to them
or to whisper
Kadima (onwards).
And,
I will have to have the calm power to step forward myself.

Just like Moses and the Israelites, Alex had a choice. Stay, and never know of the great miracles that might await him, or go and risk everything on the hope that eventually Israel would find freedom and peace. Unlike Moses and the Israelites, Alex was never able to witness his miracle. And yet, he pushed on, knowing that the miracle would come alive for us and countless others. Today, we sing for the miracle at the Red Sea, and the miracle that is yet to come, when young men and women will no longer need to give their lives for their country. Today, we sing for the miracle that is the Land of Israel.

I am proud of this service. Extremely proud. And honored that I was able to be a part of it.

Our t'fillah advisor, Cantor Benjie Schiller, said that we would look back on this service and be thankful for the opportunity to lead it. She was right. Not only did it feel good to lead such a powerful service, it felt good to stand confidently on the HUC bimah. After a rough semester and some rather embarrassing breakdowns at the bimah, I needed this t'fillah to regain my strength in my abilities. I'm hoping that that feeling of confidence will stay with me through comprehensive exams, when I need it the most.

We'll see!

There is so much stuff going on right now that I'd love to write about...maybe in between papers and/or comps cramming I can write about the college's current financial situation, ordination/investiture, comprehensive exams, summer plans, etc. Here's hoping!

BTW--if anyone knows of any summer job opportunities out there, please holler...this cantor wannabe needs a job!

Home Sweet Home

2009-04-13T18:27:00.003-04:00

God I love the Midwest. So, so, so, so, sooooooooo much more than I love NYC.

It's so freeing to be back home and far far away from the world of public transit and rude people. It's refreshing to take a walk just for the hell of it without hurrying or being practically run over by New Yorkers who think they're more important than you are. It's lovely to remember that people around here are nice, no strings attached. I love this ability to finally let my guard down and relax a little. The awareness of feeling perfectly safe wherever I am is so comforting, and it's something I haven't felt since I was last here in January.

I've done a lot of cooking, which is a huge part of who I am and what I love (I'd probably be in culinary school if I hadn't chosen the cantorial school route.) I still don't feel comfy cooking in my apartment in Astoria, despite my best attempts to get over the mice that I still find on a semi-regular basis. I love the feeling of cooking healthy meals for myself and my family and enjoying the time I spend doing so. I've missed it dearly and hope to maybe muster up the courage to go back into the kitchen upon my return to NYC. We'll see.

I am 100% convinced that the Midwest is where I'm supposed to end up once I obtain my investiture. There's something about the ease and friendliness of this part of the country that is so much more ME. It's hard to imagine that I have to spend the next 3 years of my life living in a city that doesn't appreciate niceties or peaceful, easygoing people. I'd even be okay with Chicago or Milwakee or Indianapolis--I don't need to be back to St Louis. I just want to live in a city where I don't have to apologize for being a nice person. I'm done with the attitude I've had to develop in order to merely survive in NYC. It's so clearly not who I am, and I hate the feeling of walking around as someone I'm not merely to fit in to my surroundings.

Who am I kidding...I can't even fake an attitude like that. I guess that's why it ain't working so well for me.

3 more years and I'm outta that city quicker than you can say "Cantor Fishbein."

I get so excited when envisioning my office in my Midwestern synagogue, my Katchko books and Shireinu stacked neatly on a bookshelf while I make millions of photocopies for my volunteer choir and argue with the rabbi about what to sing for Friday night's service before settling in for an afternoon of B'nai Mitzvah students who probably haven't practiced since last week's lesson...

Someday.

My Boys

2009-04-11T15:24:00.003-04:00

Every now and then, friends come into your life that totally change your life and your perspective on the world. For me, these friends are my boys, Mike and Joey.

Me, Mike and Joey at the top of the Empire State Building at midnight on a Wednesday night

We have an incredibly special and unique relationship in that we've never, ever lived in the same city or part of the country. Therefore, our get-togethers are always fun and special. We met almost 5 years ago when we sat at the same dinner table on a cruise ship to the Caribbean. We bonded immediately, and since then have traveled to see each other several times within the last five years. I've gone to visit them in Orange County, California, where they live, and they've come to see me in St Louis and now NYC, and our families even cruised to Alaska together a few summers ago. Our time together is incredibly precious to me and always ends too soon, but it's fun to look forward to upcoming adventures together and know that things will be exactly as they always are no matter how much time has passed.

M&J had never been to NYC before this week, so showing them around and discovering new things with them was incredibly fun and uplifting. I'm not the biggest fan of New York (I know, you'd never have guessed...) and being able to run around and see the city through their eyes was inspiring. I still don't love it, but now even little things will remind me of our time together and therefore, make me a little happier to be here.

We did all kinds of things, and a LOT of walking around and looking at the amazing architecture of the city. So often I ignore the beauty all around me--it's easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle and run right past it on my way to the subway. We did a lot of touristy stuff that I'd never done before, including a Circle Line cruise, a trip to Ellis Island and Lady Liberty, and an elevator ride to the top of the Empire State Building (which was done at midnight on the first night of Pesach...possibly one of the coolest Pesach experiences I've ever had--there's something about being on an 86th floor observatory in the cool night air that is very freeing and refreshing.) We also ate waaaaay too much good food (the boys love to eat...ok, so do I...) and had our first NYC celebrity sighting. Angela Landsbury was coming out of a show she'd just performed in, so we joined the crowd and started taking pictures.

In addition to running around, we took the time to have some amazing conversations about God and religion. I love talking about these things, especially with these guys whose religious views are somewhat skewed due to various life experiences. I love sharing my perspectives and listening to theirs, and we all open ourselves up to ideas we may not agree with or particularly care for. Nevertheless, it is discussions like these that stimulate and refresh my own Judaism, and remind me of why I chose to be a part of this sect of Judaism. After an intense semester, with a lot of disappointments and struggles, I needed to talk about God and why I chose to follow a Jewish lifestyle and career in such an open and loving environment.

Angela Landsbury! She's in the khaki coat.

NYC from the top of the Empire State Building

My boyfriends. It's true love for sure :)

I truly believe that every single, straight girl needs at least one good gay boyfriend to survive in this world. I'm lucky enough to have a pair of them who love and adore me like none other. And I kinda love them too :)

Thanks, guys, for a great week...meet you at Junior's at midnight for some latkes and red velvet!

Placement is Over!

2009-03-31T11:41:00.002-04:00

For the last couple of weeks, many SSM students have been focusing hard on one of the most stressful aspects of the school year: student placement. Those of us who decided to leave our current student cantor positions in search of something new for next year spent the last 2 weeks prepping, choosing music, studying potential congregations, fixing our resumes, and deciding which congregations to interview with. Finally, the day comes when we audition and interview with these congregations in hopes that we'll be "matched" with a congregation that we like who also likes us.

Placement day, or "Yom Hadin" (Judgement Day, as we've taken to calling it) is a crazy day of singing, interviewing, and waiting around anxiously. The congregational representatives first gather together in the chapel for a "concert" of cantorial students, where each of us sings 2 pieces of our choosing. One of the chosen pieces is to be a congregrational melody, in which we're to invite our "congregation" to sing with us. The other is to be a more serious cantorial solo which showcases our "skillz" as a cantor. I chose to sing Meir Finkelstein's V'Shamru paired with Max Janowski's Tavo L'fanecha. It was a good pair of 2 very different pieces that each showcase my abilities in different ways.

After the concert, there is a short lunch break followed by an afternoon of interviewing. Each congregation is in a different HUC classroom, and have 20-minute interviews with each of the students who choose to interview with them. I interviewed with 6 congregations. It's always interesting to see which congregations and rabbis you like right off the bat; you can usually tell whether or not you want a job within the first minute or 2 of an interview.

At the end of the day, I walked out of the room with 4 congregations that I really, really liked. From there, we email our top choices in order to the Josee, our Placement Director. The congregations do the same, and a few days later Josee matches us according to who liked who.

I was incredibly happy with my results, and was one of the lucky ones who recieved exactly the congregation I wanted to work with. I'll be working at Temple Beth Israel of York, Pennsylvania, visiting twice a month. I couldn't be more thrilled about this outcome, or more excited to serve this congregation on a more regular basis than a monthly job provides. AND--I have family of family as members! My Uncle Harold's cousins are members, so I'll have my own mishpacha as part of my congregational mishpacha.

As happy as I am with the results, it was an incredibly tense and stressful week that did not yield good results for everyone. With the enconomy in the state it's in, there were more students looking for jobs than jobs looking for students, and there were people who did not get placed for next year. One of those people is one of my very best friends in this program. On Wednesday, when we found out our results, I can not tell you how hard it was to be happy while watching this friend walk away, not able to look me or anyone else in the eye. We all know that student placement is a numbers game, and not recieving a congregation is not necessarily a reflection of performance or ability, but it's easy to take such a result personally. It was incredibly hard to be happy on Wednesday night, despite my exciting results. Knowing that you got an awesome job while your good friend is feeling awful about herself makes it difficult to celebrate your own successes.

The next day, I recieved a message from this friend on my phone when I came up from the subway. She just wanted to congratulate me and tell me there were no hard feelings. I knew all along that she wasn't angry with me and that her hard feelings would soften in time, but it was so noble of her to call me so soon. I've learned huge lessons in humility and kindness from this one phone call, and I hope she knows how much I appreciate her strength.

To this sweet friend, and you know who you are: You are an amazing cantor--you always have been, and you always will be. There is no doubt in my mind that something wonderful is coming your way, something far and above what you wanted in this first round. Thanks for using this to teach me the meaning of friendship and humility.

Flashbacks

2009-03-19T22:47:00.005-04:00

Taken from the Mamilla Mall, a stone's throw from HUC-Jerusalem

Monday morning, as I was walking to the subway, this song came onto my iPod. It was a song featured on the end-of-the-year slideshow/movie that my friend and rabbinic colleague David made last year, that we watched on our final Shabbat together in Israel. Ever since I heard it on Monday, I've been having insane flashbacks to last year, leading me into a state of "God-I-wish-I-was-still-in-Israel." So many things have occurred throughout this week to make me long for the Holy Land, for the year and the place and the people that I feel so far removed from. Here's a list of those things:

First of all, as I was heating up the corned beef and cabbage I made for dinner on Tuesday, I was hit with an insane craving for non other than last year's meal of choice: Aruchat Boker. This breakfast of deliciousness consists of 2 eggs, homemade bread with cheeses and jam, a huge cucumber and tomato salad, a tiny bowl of tuna, avocado, or yogurt with fruit, fresh juice and a coffee of your choosing. I ate this meal at least 5 times a week, for breakfast, lunch and/or dinner. Yes, there were many days when I ate it two times a day. And it was delish every time. I'm salavating just thinking about the deliciousness...and still craving it. Anyone want to run to J'lem to devour one with me?

A not-so-tasty-looking but complete version of Aruchat Boker from my favorite place in J'lem--Cup O'Joe, located 5 minutes from my apartment. God I miss this food.

Then, in Hebrew class, I was asking my friend Hannah a question (in Hebrew, as part of the class) and I accidentally called her "Chani." Chani was the wonderful woman who waxed our eyebrows in Israel, in the cutest little salon called Shampoo. She was adorable; every time we went, we'd have conversations in Hebrew, and she'd talk to us like she'd talk to any other Israeli, and when we didn't understand something (which was pretty often) she'd say it in another way so we could understand. She'd tell us all about her family, her life in Israel, her service in the army, etc., and she was excited about the fact that we were aspiring cantors/rabbis for the Reform movement. I miss her even now, and the Vietnamese lady down the street who waxes my eyebrows can never compare to her.

Yesterday was Founder's Day at HUC, so we had a special morning service to commemorate those people who've helped to keep the school up and running for all these years. Julia was the cantor for the service, and requested that the 5 of us sing something together. We ended up singing the Jack Gottlieb "Eytz Chayim" that we learned together last year, and as we stood around the ark, I couldn't help but think back to our final service of the year in Israel. We sang the same piece, in nearly the same formation then, and to sing it again in New York was a strange kind of deja vu (it was also lovely to sing together again as the 5 of us, since we rarely get the opportunity to do so here.)

The last morning service of the year in Israel, as the 5 of us sang the Gottlieb "Eytz Chayim" surrounded by our classmates and friends.

For shabbat tonight, even though I had no special plans with anyone (which was just fine by me) I decided to go all out and purchase a mini loaf of challah and a bottle of wine. I covered the challah with the beautiful purple challah cover I bought in Baca (a neighborhood of J'lem) on a beautiful spring day. As I stared at the candles, sipped the sweet wine, and nibbled a little too much of the challah, I couldn't help but get sentimental about the amazing year I had last year. I missed Steph (esp because we talked on the phone as I ate my dinner) and thought about Judi and Nancy and Eli and Tamar and all of the wonderful people I left behind. I tasted the Marzipan rugelah that I grew so tired of last year. I thought about the table I'd be sitting around if I were there, a table of laughter and amazing food and "The Bean Skit" and z'mirot. I remembered the faces of the students at the other campuses, who I thought I'd keep in good touch with thanks to the internet.

I think part of what bugs me about being here rather than in J'lem is the lack of amazing things that happen everyday as a natural part of life. Instead of seeing the walls of the Old City on my way to class, I see graffiti and subway signs. It's a little depressing when I let myself think about it. I also miss the huge amount of personal growth that occured last year; I haven't lost any of what I learned about myself and Judaism since being here, but things have definitely slowed down.

Bottom line? I can't wait to go back. I have a Keep the Change account with my bank, and I think I'm going to call it the "Tracy-needs-some-aruchat-boker-and-amazing-scenery-and-the-feeling-of-Israel--so-I-should-save-this-money-for-my-plane-ticket" account. At this rate, it'll only take me 10 years to save up enough for a ticket!

In other very exciting news, I just found out that I am going to have a new cousin! A huge mazal tov to Whitney and Adam! I am so excited for you both (as long as you don't have the baby on one of the High Holy Days so I can sing at the bris, we'll be cool :))

For Once, A Happy Post!

2009-03-13T15:17:00.005-04:00

A sign found yesterday on Broadway, adjacent to HUC-NYC. I found it to be hysterically funny...only in New York!

You know those times when you have so much going on that it seems impossible to try to narrow it down into one blog post, but you don't have the motivation to waste your lovely Sunday afternoon writing 2 or more? Yeah, that's where I am today.

Thank God March is here, and that it brought some happier times (and warmer temps!) February was not pretty, and I am SO GLAD it's in the past so I can concentrate on springtime! Of course, I had some help to get me through the dreary month of February...

This lovely little gem of a chocolate pizza from Max Brenner's, shared with Adam and his friend Dan when Adam was in town helping me to rid my apartment of mice. Chill out, guys...I had one piece and it was worth every single calorie!

A chocolate martini, the one alcoholic beverage I drank during the month of February...compared to my half-bottles of wine that I drank nearly every night before bedtime when adjusting to NYC this summer, I'd say I did pretty well last month.

Thank God for little brothers. Adam came up the night of Valentine's Day to help me tackle the mice problem (and we've been winning, thus far!) We got to spend almost a week together, and had a good time touring Chelsea Market, Times Square, and St Marks Place. I'm incredibly lucky to have a little brother who's as good to me as Adam is. Thanks, schmucky :)

I was also priviliged to sing in Lisa's senior recital on liturgical jazz music. This recital was truly one of the highlights of my scholastic month, and a wonderful getaway from my Nusach-heavy semester. Lisa (in the gold dress, obviously) did an amazing job, and the music was fun, beautiful and interesting. Pictured, from left to right: Lisa, Mary, me, Jaime, Josh.

So, that was Feburary. What's up for March?

More Recitals!
Last week, Arik gave his recital over the music of Moishe Oysher, which was incredibly entertaining and quite the spectacle. We were lucky to listen to Arik's amazing talent, along with the talents of several of the male cantorial faculty at HUC. Since we'd never really gotten to hear these chazzanim sing before, it was quite a thrill. I loved how the Yiddish music of this recital appealed to all of us wannabe cantors, and would so easily appeal to synagogue and even secular audiences. I'm excited to try to find some of Oysher's movies and learn more about him through his acting and chazzanut.

This week, I am participating in another recital based on portraying the Cantor as Educator. We're singing some really lovely pieces, and Zoe (the 5th year presenting the recital) is a doll to work with.

There are a few more recitals throughout the remainder of the semester, and I have to say that I have had so much fun watching and/or participating in them. They absolutely inspire me to begin thinking about my own recital (3 years from now...) and how much I am looking forward to putting so much time and energy into one specific topic.

Guitar Lessons!
Have I mentioned before that I'm taking guitar lessons this semester? It's a requirement of all HUC-trained cantors that we can learn how to play enough guitar to accompany ourselves on simple congregational tunes in front of a congregation. I'm taking lessons with my friend and rabbinical student colleage, Evan, and I am having a great time with it. Who knew I could actually learn to play guitar (considering my 2 failed attempts in college and after...) and actually enjoy it? I know about 10 chords thus far, and I am working on strumming and finger picking patterns. It's a good skill to have as a cantor (really, as any Jewish professional) so I'm excited to be working on it.

Student Placement
AKA, the bane of my existence. This is where things start to turn sour. As much as I've loved working at my congregation this year, I decided to bite the bullet and enter into student placement for a new congregation for next year. With the economy in the state it's in right now, many congregations have decided they don't need a student cantor anymore, therefore causing a shortage in jobs for next year. There are 20 students applying for roughly 12 positions, and everyone is applying for pretty much everything based solely on the fact that they need a job for next year. It's scary to leave a perfectly great job knowing that I might not have a job at all next year. However, I attended services this past Friday night at the congregation I'd really like to work for next year, and I realized that I need to take this risk, to leave what is stable and comfortable to find something that is going to push me, beat the hell out of me, and fulfill me musically. I probably won't get this particular job, based on my experience and the fact that so many incredibly talented people are also applying, but it's a risk I'm willing to take. Auditions/interviews are one week from today (eeeek!) so we'll see what happens.

What else is going on? I don't even know. It's been a crazy month of March, but a much happier one than I could have predicted a month ago. I'm looking forward to 3 more visits to South Bend, a visit from my favorite boys in the entire world, a trip home for the last part of Pesach, and whatever else will be thrown my way throughout the rest of the semester.

Hope you're all well and enjoying this introduction to springtime!

Chag Purim Sameach!

2009-03-10T21:12:00.001-04:00

Hi y'all...I'm sorry I haven't posted a real update in about a million years, but I'm hoping to do so this weekend. Until then, I wanted to share the Purim spiel video made by some of my 4th year rabbinic classmates. It highlights some of our favorite things about HUC-NYC, including the crazy rule that you have to be "buzzed up" to the 3rd floor library.

Keep an eye out for familiar faces...my favorite is rapper extraordinaire Cantor Benjie Schiller.

I hope you all had a wonderful Purim and life is good :)

Psalm 126

2009-02-27T14:40:00.002-05:00

הַזֹּרְעִים בְּדִמְעָה בְּרִנָּה יִקְצֹרוּ
הָלוֹךְ יֵלֵךְ, וּבָכֹה נֹשֵׂא מֶשֶׁךְ-הַזָּרַע:
בֹּא-יָבֹא בְרִנָּה נֹשֵׂא, אֲלֻמֹּתָיו

Y'all know this verse from Psalm 126, even if you can't read the Hebrew.

"Those who sow in tears will reap in joy.
Though they go on their way weeping that they bear the measure of seed, they shall come home with joy, bearing their sheaves."

These words have been running through my mind in the last couple of weeks.
Weeks that have tested my strength and will in ways I never imagined.

Nothing is actually all that terrible; I've caught some mice, I'm working hard to keep my apartment as clean as I can so they stay away, I've been singing well and working hard in school, and I'm heading to Boston this weekend to visit a good friend.

For whatever reason, it's been hard to kick this funk that I've been in, and hard to find a way to appreciate New York City again. I'm trying really, really hard, which I think might actually be a part of the problem. Sometimes trying too hard results in exhaustion, which is easy enough to come by in a city like NYC. I'm playing with the idea that I might never be happy with New York, but it might be possible to find happiness within it. We'll see if I can strike that balance eventually.

For now, I just think of these times as the seeds I have to row in tears.
Knowing without a doubt that eventually I will reap in joy that will be sweeter than any joy I've experienced before.
And that confidence keeps me going, along with my good friends and amazing family.

For whatever reason, I used to think that the Bible was something people needed to turn to in times of real trouble: sickness, war, life-changing bad events, etc. I've learned that there is no shame in finding comfort from the words on the page, and from the belief that God really will take care of those of us sowing in tears, for reasons large and/or small. I know my life is nothing to be complaining about right now in comparison to others I know who are fighting illness or financial woes. I've come to realize, however, that the point of the Bible is to help those of us who need it, despite how big or small our problems may be.

Even if that help just comes from the ability to cry things out, or smile in relief.

Thank you all for your love and kind words in the last few weeks. You have no idea how much you've helped.
I'll be out of this soon, I promise.

For now, I'm gonna keep on keepin' on.

Rough Times

2009-02-14T10:53:00.002-05:00

I'm not gonna lie--it's been a rough couple of weeks around here.

As the days pass by, I grow to hate New York City more and more and more.
I've wondered if what I've chosen to do with my life is worth putting up with this city that I hate for 3 1/2 more years.
I've spent more time contemplating the rabbinical program in Cincinnati. At least then I'd be closer to home, in an environment that is so much more ME, with Steph and Nicole and others who love me.
Except I'd be studying a field I'm not passionate about, and I'd graduate with a piece of paper that says I can do something I don't really want to be doing.

It's been a rough couple of weeks. Between mice in my apartment that I can't catch, being chewed out by a professor on music I thought I knew well, making a fool out of myself several times in classes (which is why I should never speak up or volunteer myself to do things) and continuously trying and failing to keep up with the pace and rudeness and one-sided people in New York, I'm almost at the end of my rope.

I've also discovered that mice terrify me.
That my living space, the one place that always used to offer me peace and calm, is no longer what it used to be.
I've been scared out of my mind to be at home, for fear of finding a mouse on one of the glue traps and then having to kill it myself and get it out of the apartment.
Because that's what the exterminator said I had to do.
But I am equally scared of being on the streets of New York, alone and fed up with the never-ending tension.
I have no safe space besides HUC, and this week, it hasn't been such a safe space.

It took every ounce of courage I had to not run out of the chapel in tears the other day, when I couldn't sing more than a few measures without doing something very wrong.
But I didn't run out. I kept going, even though I never did sing the pieces the way the professor wanted me to.

I guess that's what you have to do sometimes.
Just keep going even when you know it's not right.
Because maybe, just maybe, a small piece of it IS right.
Or maybe, it just isn't right for that particular period of time, and it can only get better.

Very deep down, I know I'm supposed to be here.
And deep down, I know it will all be worthwhile.

I'm trying really hard to be positive and look forward to all the exciting things that await me this week.
My Feldenkrais lesson on Monday.
My guitar lesson on Tuesday.
My voice lesson on Friday.
No work this week.
Seeing my girls every day, laughing with them, forgetting for a second how much I hate it here.
My coaching with Benjie--where we'll work on my nusach for comps--which helps me feel like less of a nusach disaster, like I actually have a shot in hell of actually passing my exams.

I'm going to go work on my 2-3 grade curriculum for my Cantor as Educator class, because it's what I need to do today.

Happy Valentine's Day.
Shabbat shalom.

A Night of Hope and Learning

2009-02-08T23:23:00.002-05:00

Some of you probably remember the story of Tikva, the daughter of my friends Dave (a rabbinical student) and Gal. Sadly, she passed away on August 7, just shy of turning 2 months old, of complications from a congenital diaphragmatic hernia diagnosed in-utero while we were all in Israel together.

To honor her life and the Hope and Love she brought into the world, our entire 2nd year class had a stateside-campus wide night of hope and learning. Each campus shared a teaching written by Dave himself and had a faculty member make a presentation on the Jewish views on hope. We also shared stories, songs and of course good food with each other, and took a break from our all-too-busy schedules to enjoy each other's company for an evening. I was honored as being one of the chairpersons for the NYC event.

As soon as I heard this event would take place, I started thinking about the perfect song to honor Tikva and her life. However, after searching high and low I knew the perfect song didn't exist and we'd either have to go without or find someone to write it. I was blessed to sing a piece written by Cantor Jonathan Comisar on a friend's recital, and I knew the second I heard it that Jonathan's songwriting would be the perfect compliment to our night of learning. Right before our winter break, I pulled him aside to ask if he would be interested in writing a song for the event. He was quick to say yes, and took the time to learn about Tikva and her family through Dave and Gal's blogs. He then went to work writing the PERFECT song for the evening; it was a fantastic and beautiful way to end our night of hope and learning, and I am both thrilled and honored to have had a small part in the creation and singing of this piece.

Sadly, I wasn't able to come for the entire evening, as my plane from Detroit had engine troubles and returned to Detroit halfway through the flight (it was a South Bend weekend.) I am thankful that I was able to come for what I could and share the song that Jonathan so beautifully wrote.

Please ignore my babble in the beginning (at some point in time my public speaking skills MUST be improved...any suggestions on how to do this?) and my horrible singing. I'd just come back to the city, after hours of traveling and 3 different airplanes.

These are the opportunities I am the most grateful for, where I know that, despite mistakes, I am giving my truest-self to my community. It was an honor to be touched by Tikva's life and the joy and beauty that came along with it.

Please enjoy the video, and say a prayer for a r'fua sh'lema--a complete healing--of the souls of my sweet friends Dave and Gal as their hearts continue to mend after their heartbreak.

2009-02-04T22:51:00.002-05:00

There comes a time in the life of every New Yorker where she has to face the inevitable...

A mouse.

In her apartment.

Crawling around in her trash, her food, her oven, God knows what.

That particular New Yorker has to travel to South Bend this weekend and will be gone until late Sunday night. She is more than slightly terrified that she'll come home to a whole slew of mice in every corner of every single room.

It's nights like this where that New Yorker wants nothing more than to move back to St Louis, where mice don't care so much for the suburbs where she lives, with her car and dishwasher.

So much for doing my Bible reading.
Or sleeping, for that matter.

Can I be invested already so I can get the hell out of here?

Blocccccccch

2009-01-31T15:01:00.003-05:00

Last Wednesday, a week after my own practicum, I was happily given the opportunity to sing in the choir for a practicum honoring Avodat HaKodesh--The Sacred Service--by Jewish composer Ernest Bloch. In 1933, using the text of The Union Prayer Book in it's liturgical order, Bloch created a piece for cantor, choir and orchestra that was intended for use in the Reform synagogue. To date, it is the only piece of it's magnitude to mainstream into both the secular and Jewish musical realms, and many parts of it are used in synagogues even today. It is an incredible work, one in which I've come to appreciate more and more as I've worked with it.

As I listened to Mary and Lev sing the cantorial parts, I realized just how special it is to be able to sing this piece and carry it on into my own cantorial career. Pieces like this are rarely appreciated in the synagogues these days, which is a very sad thing. Other religions carry their musical traditions with them in high reguard; Handel's Messiah is one example (who doesn't love the Hallelujah Chorus?) This is the only piece of Jewish music to reach this level of artistic and musical value, and while I so easily found prayer within it, I realize that so many Jews are unable to appreciate it for what it's really worth within a service.

As cantors, it is hard for us to uphold this appreciation while our rabbis and congregations are demanding the current trend of folk-inspired congregational melodies. We must walk a fine line between keeping ourselves musically and spiritually fulfilled and keeping our congregants happy and prayerful. As much as I hate to admit it, the folk songs get boring, and the musical talents we've worked so hard to develop are often wasted within them. Our challenge, as cantors, is to bring back the real MUSIC of our movement while simultaneously responding to the trends within Jewish music. It's not an easy battle, and oftentimes, we lose due to the pressures and demands of keeping everyone satisfied.

Bloch's Sacred Service is a piece that I'm just beginning to understand and appreciate, but already I realize that it's something we must keep active within our movement. This glorious piece of music, with it's exciting harmonics and beyond gorgeous melodic lines CAN NOT go to waste. As a future cantor, I am starting to think about ways to use this service within a real congregation, even one which prefers folk songs to the other music available. I'm certain it can be done (and it IS done within congregations that can afford to buy the rights and perform it) and I'm excited to figure out ways to incorporate it--in all it's majesty--into my cantorate.

My hope is that one day, every Jew will listen to this piece and appreciate it--even a fraction as much as I do.

Before that, however, I must learn to sing the cantorial part. That in and of itself is a HUGE challenge.

BTW, if you're interested, it's available on iTunes. I highly recommend it :-)

A Week With the Dadster

2009-01-30T16:35:00.005-05:00

Last week was probably one of the most exhausting but fun weeks of my life. In one week, Barak Obama became President of the United States, I gave my very first practicum at HUC, my dad came to visit, I ate a sandwich at Carnegie Deli (this is no small feat), saw Mamma-Mia on Broadway, saw Blue Man Group, ventured into previously unchartered NY territories, ate too many desserts, wandered around some very small parts of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and then some. It was crazy and wonderful and, as I mentioned, completely exhausting.

On Tuesday, a few hours after President Obama was sworn in (yay!!!) I recieved a special visitor: my dad. After months of planning, he'd arrived, and we spent the evening catching up over some Crock Pot chili (who knew I'd actually use my Crock Pot?) and dessert at the amazing bakery on the next block. Since it was a.) freezing outside and b.) the night before my very first practicum, we decided to keep things chill. I showed dad around the neighborhood a bit and then we came back and went to sleep (well, he went to sleep--I sang through my music and organized it a bit, freaked out for a few minutes, and then finally fell asleep.)

The next morning, I was out the door at 6:45 to get to school to warm up before my 8:15 class. After anxiously sitting through my 1 hour and 45 minute nusach class--which I normally love--I was rarin' to go. After 45 more minutes of my crazy pre-performance neurotic behavior (asking lots of silly questions, going over and over tricky musical spots, checking my hair and lipstick 20 times, drinking too much water) it was finally time to sing. My 3rd year colleague, Cheryl--who was also giving a practicum that day--came over to reassure me and remind me to PRAY. It was the best thing anyone could have done for me at that time. I settled my music and prayerbook on the lecturn, turned around to face the congregation, and began. I fumbled a little through my spoken introduction (I hate public speaking) but eventually found my groove as I began singing.

As a whole, I am happy with how the practicum went. The entire thing was sung too quickly, I think out of nerves and adrenaline, and I wish I would have taken more time in several spots. Luckily, my singing was consistent and my tone was appropriate for the text-based nusach I sang. Certain points were the tiniest bit pitchy, though I was always able to get back on track. I'm happy to say that Cheryl did as well as I did, if not better, and it was a successful morning of practica.

At the lunch review, the student body and faculty had many good things to say. Many people were impressed with the prayerfulness of my davening (yay!) though the faculty didn't like a few of the pieces I'd chosen. That, however, was much more my coaches' fault than my own. Overall, the peanut gallery was pleased and weren't afraid to tell me so. Yay!

One of the proudest moments of the day was when Shira, a 5th year cantorial student, complemented our class as a whole. She said that she was entirely impressed by our musicality, saying that she wasn't sure SHE could have done what we'd done when she was a 2nd year. I agreed with her completely--we really are a great group of women, and all of us have done well this year. Not that I'm biased, or anything ;)

For those interested, I do have a recording...let me know if you want one.

Cantor Fishbein in action

Dad and I after the practicum. I can't tell you how nice it was to have him there for support--and to show off my mad Nusach skills, of course :)

After the practicum, I was a bad student and cut classes the rest of the day (I only missed one hebrew class, don't panic.) Dad and I walked down Broadway, stopping at The Strand (an amazing used bookstore) and Max Brenner's (an Israeli chocolatier, where we each got a hot chocolate for the road.) We hopped on the train and came back to the apartment where we quickly changed clothes before heading to Times Square for a fun night on the town. We ran around a bit looking for a good show to see that night, and discovered that Mamma-Mia! had $30 student tickets! With my student ID, I was able to get 2 student-priced tickets for fantastic seats. We were SO excited. From there, we went to the Carnegie Deli, where we devoured one of their HUGE sandwiches. We walked around a bit, venturing over to Rockefeller Center, before heading to the show, which was fantastic. It was a great end to a great day.

Dad in a state of shock at the size of this monster sandwich.

Rockefeller Center Ice Rink

Thursday I had a normal day of classes and work, so dad was on his own. He managed to keep himself busy and joined me at HUC for tefillah and lunch. That night, we stayed in and ordered pizza and I made him watch Grey's and Private Practice with me. I think he was bored, but I was happy for sure :)

The next day, we ventured out early to go to Ground Zero. We weren't sure what exactly we were going to see, but we ended up going on a group tour sponsered by the WTC Tribute Society. It was a heart-wrenching tour led by a firefighter who'd helped to rescue victims. As hard as it was to listen to her story and relive the tragic events of 7 years ago, I'm so thankful for the opportunity to have done it. Being in Columbia, Missouri at the time, there is no way I could have possibly understood the impact this event had on New Yorkers and the people who were directly involved.

Ground Zero

After a quick lunch, we hopped on the train to go to The Dakota and Strawberry Fields. After quick stops at both, we walked through Central Park to get to the Met, where we wandered around the musical instrument room and the European paintings exhibit. I LOVE the Met, mostly because I have absolutely no artistic talents whatsoever, so I highly appreciate beautiful artwork.

Strawberry Fields...forever. A tribute to John Lennon

Old harpsichords in the musical instrument room at The Met

From there, we decided to go see if Blue Man Group had tickets left for that night's show. Dad had seen a special on TV and was dying to check them out, so we did. Luckily, they also had student tickets, so we got ourselves tickets for the 10pm show. We had some time to kill, so we ventured to St Marks Place, which is a trendy, funky area of NYC. Many NYU students hang out around there, so it's very colorful and fun. We found an AMAZING BBQ place, and I treated my dad to a birthday dinner (his birthday was the following day.) We walked around for a bit and still had some time to kill, so we decided to get some dessert coffees at Think Coffee, one of my favorite hangouts around HUC. Their nonfat mochas=TO DIE FOR.

When we finally made it to the show, I have to admit that I wasn't that excited. I'd heard about Blue Man Group from a trip to Vegas a few years ago, but didn't really have any desire to see them. I was completely blown away by the show! It was so creative and fun and different, and both of us had a great time. I highly, highly recommend the show to anyone going to Vegas or NYC. After the show, my dad was SO EXCITED to meet the cast members and take pictures with them.

Dad and I with a very Blue Man...and yes, he's real

By the time we got home, it was well after midnight and both of us were completely wiped out. The next day, dad was scheduled to leave around 4, so we hung out in Astoria (after much debating about where to go to for a good brunch.) We went to one of my fave places in the neighborhood, with good coffee and great breakfast specials (what else do you need in life?) We walked around the neighborhood a bit, chilled at the apartment, and then dad was on his way.

I was sad to see him leave, as we had a really fantastic time together. Hopefully he'll be back for another visit soon!

BTW, at my practicum discussion Cantor Faith Steinsnyder mentioned that she couldn't wait to read the blog about the practicum. Soooo...here's a shoutout to you, Faith! Glad to have you onboard as one of my faithful readers :-)

Best. Job. Ever.

2009-01-19T17:35:00.006-05:00

Temple Beth-El covered in snow...amazingly full of warmth on the inside despite it's snowy facade!

This is a bench. Except that it looks--however morbidly--like a coffin of snow.

Hardcore icicles outside of my host's house...remember the Grey's Anatomy episode where Christina gets impaled by the icicle? Yeah, that's pretty much all I could think about when I saw this :)

I apologize in advance for the excessive cheesiness of this post. If it weren't completely true, however, I wouldn't post it.

I've just returned from a wonderful visit to my congregation in South Bend. It'd been a long time since my last visit in November, and while I was looking forward to seeing my amazing Beth-El family, I was not looking forward to facing the arctic temperatures and snow. I even considered canceling for the weekend, as I was afraid to head up there and face the cold just a few days before my first practicum.

Thank God I didn't cancel.

I can't tell you how wonderful it was to be there this weekend, from touchdown in SB on Friday afternoon to takeoff on Sunday. It was an really, really good weekend. I learn every single time I'm there, which is great, but I think the true benefits of being a student cantor in a congregation come from the reminders of WHY we chose this profession. Singing on the bimah, next to a fantastic mentor and in front of the most incredible congregation I could ask for, helped me so much to forget my crazy HUC schedule and practicum and homework and just concentrate on using my gifts to benefit a group of Jewish people who always welcome me with open arms.

How does it get any better than that?

Well, it does. I realized this weekend just how lucky I am to be the student cantor where I am. From day one, when I was still in Israel, temple members reached out to me in the form of emails, expressing their excitement. My first weekend, I was greeted with such enthusiasm that I nearly became overwhelmed. In consecutive visits, I've become a member of the Beth-El family, and I've fallen completely in love with this amazing group of people.

Whenever I visit South Bend, I am reminded of what it means to be a mensch, the nicest kind of person. I learn time and time again the meaning of how to be a real Jew, how to treat others with kindness and live the words of Torah. Never have I had to eat a meal by myself in South Bend. Never have I had to worry about where I will stay or if my privacy or time will be respected due to home stays. Never have I felt like a burden to this community. Whenever I am there I am embraced with open arms and inspired to work harder to be a better cantor, a better person and a better Jew.

Members of my congregation often comment on how happy and joyful I look when I'm on the bimah. Unlike some bimot that I've sung upon, I don't have to work to be this way. It is a true pleasure to be in this place and to be praying with these people. I'm learning just how wonderful it is to be able to share my love of Judaism with people who are shining examples of what real Jews are.

Keep shining--TBE--and know how thankful I am to be your student cantor. It is a pleasure to pray with you all.

What's Going on With ME

2009-01-14T19:35:00.003-05:00

I feel like I've been so busy lately thinking about recent events at my temple that I haven't given myself any time to process the last semester and the semester to come. While I have full appreciation for the difficulties going on in St Louis right now, I want to switch gears back into my life as a cantorial student at HUC.

Fall semester ended very well. I passed all of my classes (I saw the proof of straight P's on my electronic grade card.) I feel very, very good about all of my singing classes from last semester, and am excited to continue most of them into this semester.

The most exciting thing on my plate right now? PRACTICUM. Every year, SSM students are required to give a 20-25 minute musical presentation in front of the entire SSM student and faculty body. These presentations are usually taken from the context of a service, be it Shabbat, High Holy Day, other festival, or weekday. Sometimes, the presentations are in the form of a concert, focusing on a period or composer of Jewish music. Afterwards, the students and faculty gather for a bagel lunch where the performer is complemented and critiqued.

My practicum is one week from today, and I'll be presenting a traditional-style (meaning something that would be done in a conservative or orthodox Jewish community) Shabbat morning program. This is BY FAR the scariest thing I have ever had to do at HUC; it makes the services I led last year seem embarrassingly easy. Growing up where I did, I didn't have a lot of access to traditional chazzanut. It's still new to my ears and tongue, and I'll be singing in front of people who've devoted their lives to this music, people who have a lot to say about the job I'll do.

Keep your fingers crossed that I don't totally blow it next Wednesday.

This practicum will be special not only because it's my first practicum (I'll give 4 by the time I'm done.) My dad is coming from St Louis to hear it and hang out with his favorite daughter. I'm excited to spend some quality time with him and even more excited to show him what it is that I do every day at HUC. I'm sure we'll also have the opportunity to see and do some fun stuff in NYC, and eat some good food :)

There are lots of other exciting things going on this semester, but since practicum is taking over my mind, I'll talk about them as the semester wears on. For now, I'll leave you with a list of goals for the Spring semester.

GOALS:
-To give the best practicum I can possibly give
-To begin preparing for comps early enough to actually pass them
-To volunteer at least once a month at the HUC soup kitchen
-To sing a successful service in South Bend, despite the airplanes and distance and exhaustion
-To find a fulfilling and decent paying summer job
-To go to the gym at least 3 times a week
-To keep up with my history reading
-To continue to love the music I am learning
-To make my bed on a regular basis...don't tell my Aunt Diane, but I might have started to slack in that department once the semester got crazy...
-To study something just for fun, whether it be Feldenkrais, photography, Torah, cooking, whatever
-To find reasons to laugh at least 3 times a day

How I Really Feel

2009-01-10T12:21:00.005-05:00

I have a confession to make:

I've spent the last 5 days on a cruise ship to the Caribbean with my family. No, I'm not joking. And yes, I hardly talked about it to anyone, especially temple people, while I was home in St Louis.

It wasn't because I wasn't excited about going. It was because it just felt wrong to brag about it in light of recent events. The last thing I wanted to do was rub it in anyone's face while they were tackling the huge changes going on at the temple right now.

For my silence, I am sorry.

I've spent the last 3 weeks going over and over the decision that my synagogue has made in my mind. I've talked to my cantor several times, to 2 board members, to the senior rabbi. If I've learned anything, it's that the whole decision--from top to bottom--SUCKS. Obviously, it's harder for some than it is for others; the people in charge of making this decision still have their jobs while my cantor doesn't--but I haven't found anyone at my synagogue who is truly pleased with this choice. I've also learned that the infrastructure of synagogue politics is hugely complicated; sometimes, a synagogue does have to operate like a major cooperation to stay afloat.

The nice thing about being on a cruise ship is the ability to let the ocean waves help you forget about life. Right before I left, when everyone assumed I was going back to NYC, I had just about had it when it came to talking about this situation. It made my time at home a sad and stressful one, and I walked onto the ship last week in a state of emotional exhaustion. The first day of the cruise, as we were floating our way to Ocho Rios, all I could do was take a step back and examine my own emotional roller coaster this decision has put me on. It's been a crazy journey of shock, anger, sadness, understanding, compassion, love and so, so much more.

Like the ocean, my emotions have come in waves, sometimes returning with a vengeance. Right now, as I sit in my cold apartment awaiting the snow storm that will hit once Shabbat arrives, I am once again very angry. Angry at my rabbi for not really listening to me when I spoke to him last week. Angry at the congregation for waiting 2 months before giving my cantor her well-deserved farewell service (and for a certain someone telling me the service was being given only for her sake.) Angry at the board for thinking that a musical rabbi could handle the musical and spiritual demands placed on the cantor. Angry that board and staff members are showing "compassion" to my cantor without doing much to save her job or get her back on her feet.

In so many ways, this decision feels like a death, and I (as well as the others who feel as I do) am still in the grieving process. Anyone grieving a loss goes through a similiar cycle of emotions as I am going through right now. I don't feel bad for being angry right now. Why should I? As a future cantor and member of my synagogue, I have every right to feel angry at the people who made this decision. I have every right to feel as though a huge part of my spiritual experience has been ripped away from me, and that a singing rabbi could never, ever replace it. My spiritual home can never be the same, and all because of irresponsible budgeting and a bad economy.

And more than anything else, I feel guilty. I feel guilty for being here, studying what I love, when the person who led me to be here is out of work. I feel guilty for writing on this blog about my upcoming semester and practicum when I know full well it will be hard for her to read it. I don't want to rub my success in her face; she deserves nothing but thanks for doing her job so beautifully that she inspired one of her congregants to be just like her. I feel guilty that I told her I can not sing at the synagogue again without her blessing (though it's completely how I feel), as it does put a huge amount of responsibility on her shoulders. I feel guilty that I didn't know about this decision before that couldn't do anything to help. I feel guilty that I haven't done enough to help her through this incredibly tough time. I feel guilty that I don't know what more I can do to help her when I want so badly to have the solution.

And I feel guilty for indulging in a vacation--albeit a very INexpensive one--when my family could have used that money to give back to the temple.

Reading through this with tears streaming down my face, I realize I may have said too much. My intentions are not to hurt or offend anyone; it's important to me that all of you who read this know how I really feel and know how much I am hurting for myself, my congregation, and my cantor.

As I've been saying for the last 3 weeks, this whole situation really, really sucks.

Right now, I wish so badly that none of it had ever happened.

No Words

2008-12-26T14:18:00.001-05:00

Last Friday night after services, I wrote a long, sad and bitter post about the situation going on in my home synagogue right now.
A situation that I'm not comfortable sharing in this forum, for a number of reasons.

My post didn't include this person's name, to protect her identity to those who come across this blog incidentally.
It felt silly, even wrong, to refer to this person as "my cantor."
She is so much more than just that.

My post talked meanly about the person/people who made this decision.
A decision they needed to make.
My words were mostly out of the anger and loss I am feeling right now.
Words that could never change the decision, words that would only bring sadness to the people who might have read them.
Therefore, I didn't post the blog. I didn't even save it.

There aren't enough words to describe the sadness and anger this decision has brought into my heart.
The selfish worries for my own future--a future that I thought would always be secure--that are running rampant through my head.
The void that will forever be with me, now that my synagogue is no longer my home.
If this person isn't there, it can't be my home.

And that's the hardest part of all, because so much of my life is still there.

And yet, despite all of my anger and sorrow, I feel the need to share this.
To share something that tells this person how much she means to me and to the congregation.
Had she been given the proper goodbye, I would have shared this poem with her so the congregation could hear.
But since she wasn't given so much as a goodbye, I'll leave them here so everyone I love, including her, can read them.
These words have been with me for the last 10+ years, as long as I've known this person. They capture so beautifully her work at the synagogue, and the gifts she has shared with me and so many others.

To this person--you know who you are--I love you with all my heart.
Thank you for being my mentor, my teacher, my ema #2, my friend.
Thank you for sharing your music, your soul, with me.
Thank you for teaching me the true meaning of success.
This poem is for you, because you have done all of these things and so much more.

What is Success?

To laugh often and much;

To win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;

To earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;

To leave the world a bit better, whether by
a healthy child, a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;

To know even one life has breathed
easier because you have lived;

This is to have succeeded.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

V'Shamru

2008-12-18T21:54:00.002-05:00

I wanted to share a recording of one of my pieces from my Shabbat Reform Workshop final this morning. It's a setting of V'Shamru by Maurice Goldman (even though the beginning is cut off...)

I haven't been good with keeping up with the blog as of late, I know...but I'm hoping this recording makes up for it. I'm very proud of this piece; not only is it very difficult to sing, but I've worked tirelessly with it to make it the best it can be. Though it's not perfect, I'm very happy with how this turned out. It was one of those moments where everything just clicked into place, and I knew with my entire being that I was doing exactly the right thing at exactly the right time.

Enjoy...the next time I blog will be from St Louis!

Random Acts of Kindness

2008-12-05T13:31:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I am overwhelmed, in the best possible way, by the acts of kindness I encounter every single day. Living in New York City, it is so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of daily life and to see only the ugly that this world has to offer. I am so very thankful for the people in my life who remind me that kindness is a virtue, and that goodness does indeed exist in our world.

We read in Pirkei Avot, "On three things the world stands: on Torah, on avodah (worship/work for God) and on gimilut chasadim (deeds of loving kindness.)" Each of these three pillars of the Jewish faith could easily stand on their own, but really, they each blend into one another so easily when we talk about deeds of loving kindness. We are reminded of kindness many times in Torah, and our worship allows us time to pray to God for those around us who are in need of prayer. When we pray to God on behalf of others, even if only once in awhile, we open ourselves up our own acts of kindness.

One of the most beautiful things about my spiritual journey throughout the last year and a half has been the opening of my eyes to acts of kindness. While I'm not always quick to show it, I am genuinely thankful for the ability to recognize this kindness. In the last few months, so many people have reached out to me in the form of kind words, gifts, and/or support. To all of you, thank you so, so much--for loving me, for opening yourselves up to gimilut chasadim, and for making me a kinder person through your thoughts, words, and generosity. Whether you realize it or not, you are each an example of living, breathing Torah, and you help to carry on all three of these pillars of our Jewish faith. You also remind me, in whatever ways I am able, to extend the same kindness towards others. Your actions make ME a better person in the eyes of God and Jewish tradition.

There is no better gift you can give me than that.

Thank you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T12:51:00.002-05:00

I am so happy to be back in the United States for Thanksgiving. While we had a wonderful time last year, it's so nice to be back in a country that appreciates turkey (and knows how to properly cook it) and knows what the meaning of the holiday is all about. I am thankful for a lot of things this year, especially for the gift of the family and friendship I've inherited through Steph and her family. I'm spending this Thanksgiving in Reston, Virginia, just outside of DC, and while I'm sad to not be at home this year, I'm so lucky and happy to be surrounded by people who are so loving and caring towards me. Special thanks and gratitude (that's the word of the day, according to Steph's mom) to the Schnitzer family and the Clark family, for welcoming me so graciously into your homes and families.

Wherever you are today, take a moment to appreciate those whom you love and all of the gifts we all possess. I am thankful for you all and love you very much!

And, since I love her, I leave you with a prayer written by Naomi Levy (by the time I graduate y'all won't need to buy her book, since I post so many of her prayers right here!) Steph is going to read a modified version tonight at her dad's thanksgiving table. Enjoy your turkey!

A Thanksgiving Prayer

By Rabbi Naomi Levy
For the laughter of the children,
For my own life breath,
For the abundance of food on this table,
For the ones who prepared this sumptuous feast,
For the roof over our heads,
The clothes on our backs,
For our health,
And our wealth of blessings,
For this opportunity to celebrate with family and friends,
For the freedom to pray these words
Without fear,
In any language,
In any faith,
In this great country,
Whose landscape is as vast and beautiful as her inhabitants.
Thank You, God, for giving us all these. Amen.

Fake it 'til you make it?

2008-11-15T10:56:00.004-05:00

I love what I am doing with my love. 100%--truly madly deepy, can't think of anything else I'd rather do with my life--LOVE what I do. I love the challenges I encounter, the pressures of a million classes and 2 jobs and the upkeep of an apartment and life as a singleton.

With that said, I'm coming out of the 2 most exhausting weeks of the year thus far. And when I say exhausting, I mean it in every sense of the word.

I had a conversation with my friend Nicole the other day. Nicole is a second year rabbinical student in Cinci, who lived downstairs from Steph and I last year. We're still good friends, and had a great time catching up. But we both admitted that it feels as though we're drowning in work, and while there is plenty and then some to do, there just aren't enough hours in the day to do it all. And even when you don't do it all, it's hard to do what you DO do (confusing, anyone?) to your best ability. I've spent the last 2 weeks feeling as though I've half-assed my entire life in order to just keep up with it all. I've done nothing to the best of my abilities and have barely gotten it done in the process. I hate when I feel underprepared or rushed or as though I didn't give 100%. I hate knowing that I could have done better had I been more prepared. I hate feeling as though I've let everyone down and looked like an idiot while doing so. Most of all, I hate the feeling of being pulled in a million different directions, with everyone wanting more and more and me not being physically, mentally, or emotionally able to give them what they want.

OK, so that last statement might have been a little over the top and egocentric. No one in my life--professors, rabbis, congregants, family--has complained about any of the work I've done...it's all in my head. Like most of us, I am my own harshest critic. I want to be one of those people who is on top of things all the time (like a few of my classmates who I will never completely understand.) I just don't get how they can manage it all so well while some of us are left drowning just trying to stay afloat.

It really hit me last weekend when I was in South Bend. I LOVE every aspect of my job there, from the rabbi I work with to the fantastic community of congregants to the area in general. Getting there is exhausting--2 airplanes and 3 airports in the course of a day. Then, I always feel a little rushed to work with the rabbi and/or the accompanist to put the service together. By the time I actually co-lead the service, I am completely exhausted. I have not to this point been able to sing a Friday night service to the level I know I can; there are always silly mistakes and forgetful moments that come from just being tired.

This past weekend, Eric was out of town, so I organized and led services on my own, with the help of our wonderful accompanist Steve. I had all these amazing visions and preparations for a beautiful Shabbat in Song Friday night, and it was so disappointing to watch my plans crumble as I sang things badly, tripped over the reading I'd chosen, and stammered my way through my own words and thoughts I added into the service. I also forgot to read half the kaddish list, which is a much bigger deal than it may seem (if you went to services only to hear your loved one's name read, wouldn't you be pissed that it was left out?) It didn't help that I was also in the middle of a nasty head cold and on cold medicine, pushing my voice through a sore throat.

I love the ability I have to create a warm, lovely service environment. I've always been praised for my sincere warmth on the bimah, something I take great pride in. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was struggling to keep positive energy in the chapel as I was leading services. I was bored myself, so I can imagine how boring the service must have been for the congregation. So the service leaves me wondering: How, when you are exhausted and sick and alone on the bimah, do you create and sustain the positive energy needed for a Shabbat service? I never learned how to "fake it", since I've never really needed to, and I don't really want to have to fake it on the bimah. Prayer to God should never feel contrived or artificial.

This was so surprising to me, given that I love what I do and I love the people I was doing this with. I guess that's the purpose of a student pulpit; to learn these things that being a cantorial soloist or classroom student can't teach you. I do, however, want to be able to go to South Bend and be pleased with my Friday night service. I'm hoping that happens sooner rather than later.

Thank goodness I have this weekend to relax a little bit, to recharge and reconnect with myself and those I haven't been able to connect with throughout the last 2 weeks. This is why I love Shabbat, even on a rainy, cold day like today.

Shabbat Shalom.

Weekend With Steph

2008-11-15T10:07:00.002-05:00

Stacy and Trephanie together again :)

Of all the amazing things that happened last year, one of the best was meeting my wonderful ex-roommate and now member of the "best friends club" Stephanie. Y'all got to know her quite well last year, I know. One of the hardest parts of moving to NYC was knowing that Steph wasn't going to be here; it was so strange being at HUC and not having her in my Hebrew class and Jewish History class. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't miss having her around, to laugh with, to bicker with, to talk to, and to cook for (ha ha Steph...) She really was the greatest person I could have asked to live with last year, and I am so happy that we've maintained a close friendship since we've been living halfway across the country from each other and not in the same tiny, disgusting apartment in Israel. Stephanie Erin, I adore you!

It is fun, however, to be able to go and visit each other from time to time. I went to Cinci early September, and Halloween weekend, Steph graced me with her presence here in NY. Her stepfather, who is a cantor in Baltimore, and her mom brought a small group of confirmation students for a Jewish themed weekend in NY, so Steph decided to use some frequent flyer miles and come as well. She flew in on Thursday night (the beginning of the HUC weekend) and was met by Julia at the airport. The two of them came back to my apartment while I was at work and ordered dinner, which we ate together when I arrived back home. I so loved coming home to smiling faces and laughter; when you live alone, it's such a treat to be greeted by people once in awhile! We spent the night exactly as we would spend Shabbat in Israel; eating (of course), watching Grey's Anatomy, talking about doing homework while not actually doing any homework, and laughing at the crazy events going on in our lives.

Friday, we woke up, showered, grabbed brunch at the delish little cafe close to the subway, and headed out to Brooklyn to hang out with Julia a little more. Julia was hosting a Halloween-themed housewarming party that Sunday, so we went to help her bake pumpkin cupcakes and get her apartment ready for the soiree. We had a wonderful time and ate WAAAAAAAY too much frosting, cupcakes, candy, and Pirate's Booty (my fave new snack...)

Pumpkin cupcakes! Aren't they cute?

A ridiculous picture of Julia and I as the cupcakes were baking

We left Julia's to meet Steph's fam and the confirmands for dinner near B'nai Jeshurun (the same beautiful synangogue we went to for Simchat Torah), where we went for Shabbat services. I can't tell you how great it was to see Steph's mom and her husband Sunny again! I fell in love with Steph's mom last year, as we chatted on Skype and became Facebook friends :) She's adorable, and it was soo good to see her and to talk cantor-talk with Sunny. Dinner was delicious, even though we had to race out of there to make it to services in time. After a beautiful service, we went to a cute diner on the Upper West Side with friends.

Dinner #2 on the Upper West Side. From left to right: Becca, Jen, me, Steph, Marc, Julia (she's the only one who dared to dress up)

We then headed to the Village to experience the annual Halloween Parade. OMG--I have NEVER experienced anything like it in my entire life. TONS of people (it wasn't comfy) in outrageous costumes, imbibing entirely too much alcohol while waiting for a parade that you couldn't even see due to the horrendous crowds. But--there's nothing in the world quite like it. We saw a plethora of amazing costumes--everyone from Borat to Sarah Palin to Ghostbusters--and EVERYTHING in between. It was crazy, and while I'll probably never do it again, I'm glad I was able to experience it this one time.

I'm not quite sure what this guy is supposed to be...God, maybe?

Borat!! We laughed for about 10 minutes when we saw this guy, but couldn't get up the nerve to take our picture with him.

Wow.

After finally getting home (the subway close to us were blocked off and we went through 4 cabs before we could find one to FINALLY take us home), Steph and I went to sleep. We woke up Saturday and headed to Times Square, close to the cute Stardust Diner where we ate brunch. The Stardust is SO MUCH FUN! Broadway wannabes work as waiters and waitresses, and sing Broadway songs while you eat. It's overpriced and touristy, but I don't care and will be going back many times over the course of the next 4 years. We then decided to catch a movie, which was fun (Steph's been to NYC a few times, so the need to do touristy stuff wasn't really an issue.) After that, we went to the TKTS booth, my favorite place in NYC, where we landed half-price tickets to The Little Mermaid! Before the show, we met up with Steph's mom for an early dinner, and enjoyed some mama-time.

At dinner with Steph's mama. Doesn't she look like she's our age?

The obligatory poster picture

Getting my program signed? Heaven!

The show was fantastic! As a self-proclaimed "Broadway Baby", I wasn't all that impressed with the music, but the spectacle of Disney shows always amazes me. There wasn't a minute where I didn't believe they were underwater, and the costumes and sets were amazing. After the show, we were able to meet some of the cast and get our programs autographed. It was my first time ever meeting a cast of a show, so it was totally amazing for me. I was a happy girl :)

Sadly, Steph had to leave NYC very, very early on Sunday morning to make it back to Cinci to teach. We woke up at 4am and hopped a cab to LaGuardia, where we said goodbye for now. It wasn't too sad of a goodbye, however, because Steph and her families kindly invited me for Thanksgiving! Since I'm not able to go home, I'll be hopping a bus to the DC area to spend the holiday with her. I'm so excited to see her and to attend the myriad of festivities going on throughout the weekend. Yay!

Like I said, it's so strange to be at HUC without Steph around. These times, when we can be together and feel as though absolutely nothing has changed (even though our entire lives actually have changed) make me realize just how special Steph and our friendship really is.

Steph, come back!!!!
And this time, don't leave!

Where I've Been

2008-11-08T16:26:00.004-05:00

I'm sorry for the lack of updates as of late; it's been such a CRAZY couple of weeks around here, full of good friends, lots of work, long days, preparations, etc etc etc! I had a huge assignment due for my Bible class, which was actually really helpful and interesting. We were to create an annotated translation of any passage from the Tanach. So, not only did we have to translate our portion word for word, but we had to consult several different Bible translations, looking for and explaining inconsistencies and why we translated the way we did. I have a strange love of translating Torah; to this day, I'm still so proud to have the ability to translate these words, to decipher the text in it's original form and decide for myself what it really means. Also for my Bible class, each one of us is required to present a translation and lead a short discussion on whatever parsha we're studying for the day. We've just moved from Torah to the prophets, and I was supposed to read and translate some of the book of Joshua this past Thursday. I have to admit that I have a slight fear of leading a discussion on the Bible or any area in the Judaic realm, especially amongst the intelligent people I go to school with. It's so good for me to do this, even if it terrifies me, as leading Torah study will probably be an important part of my job once I am invested. We ran out of class time before I was able to present, so I'll present on Tuesday and let you know how it goes.

I've also been busy preparing music for both my Reform Shabbat workshop and my Traditional Shabbat workshop. For the Reform workshop, we're allowed to use music, but are expected to have our pieces prepared to performance level (as if we were going to use them in a service.) It's a tough expectation to meet, as we don't always know the background of the piece or how it's supposed to sound until after we've sung it. It takes a lot of prep work and requires us to really learn about the text of each of the pieces. I'm learning a TON of good music in this class, and it's taught by the incredible Cantor Benjie-Ellen Schiller, so I can't complain too much. For our Traditional workshop, we are usually required to sing the nusach straight from the prayerbook, which requires us to practically memorize the pieces. It's much easier said than done, but again, the class is fantastic and gives me a good sense of the traditional melodies and how they relate to the texts. Luckily, our professor is so sweet about our mistakes and will help us out whenever we need it.

I am also beginning to prepare for my practicum, which will take place on January 21. The School of Sacred Music (SSM) requires all 2nd, 3rd and 4th year students to give one or more practicum a year, where we sing a part of a service either in a traditional or Reform manner. Everyone has a theme that is assigned to them by the faculty of the SSM, adn the themes vary between Shabbat, High Holy Day, and holiday liturgies, and sometimes focus on certain periods of Jewish music that are secular. They take place on Wednesday, so part of our job is to make the listener feel as though they are actually in a real service. For example, the theme of my practicum is traditional Shabbat morning, Shochein Ad through Tzur Yisrael. Besides singing the nusach well, I also have to make the audience (SSM students and faculty) feel as though it really is Shabbat and we are really praying these prayers. It's a scary task to take on, especially when I'm not comfortable or very familiar with traditional nusach; it's a completely different style of synagogue singing than what I am used to, and I will be singing in front of a panel of faculty who all know the style so much better than I (which I guess they should.) After the practicum is over, the entire SSM gathers for lunch and the students giving the practicum are given comments and feedback by all the faculty members. Usually, many members of the faculty are very nice, though oftentimes they are very picky and tell it like it is; if they didn't like your practicum, they will not be shy about it.

Scary!!!

Anyways, in addition to all of my school stuff going on, I am spending this weekend at my pulpit in South Bend (and actually writing this from my wonderful host Posi's computer!) This weekend, I played both cantor AND rabbi, as Eric was out of town. I always forget how much work is involved in planning and executing a service, but overall, everything went well. I led the services and gave a short d'var torah this morning, making parallels from the Torah portion to where our country is at the moment, right after the presidential election (GOBAMA!!!) Everything went over well, though not perfectly. I'm just happy my congregation was happy.

So, that is why I haven't done much posting lately. I've had a few things going on! I want to write a blog about and share pictures from Steph's visit, which was so much fun, but that will have to wait until I'm back in NY and have written my paper for Jewish history, due on Tuesday (Have I started it? What do YOU think? I have mastered the art of procrastination quite well!)

I really hope everyone is well and happy. I can't wait to see you when I'm home for winter break (Dec 25-Jan 3.) I'll post pictures soon, I promise!

Shavua tov.

Barackin' the Vote!

2008-11-03T22:12:00.003-05:00

My absentee ballot, proudly stamped and mailed into Missouri last week.

Just a quick post to remind y'all to exercise your right to VOTE in tomorrow's big election. With the shape our country is in, we need CHANGE, and we need it NOW.

And since I'm not officially a cantor yet, and because this blog in no way, shape, or form is affiliated with my congregation or with Hebrew Union College, I am able to say the following without reservation:

GO OBAMA!!!

However you may lean politically (and I do mean that sincerely), may it be God's will that you vote in this election with all your heart, all your mind, and all your best judgement. And may God continue to watch over the United States of America, and lead all of us in the right direction from this point forward.

Procrastination at it's Finest

2008-10-27T20:44:00.004-04:00

This is what happens when cantorial students don't want to do their homework...

You can thank yearbookyourself.com for the lovely images.

Procrastination is indeed an art form :)

Jew 'Fro!

Circa 1982...if only my hair were curly...

Jeri-Curl...I love the Michael Jackson look! And seriously, if I really looked like this, the boys would be ALL OVER ME.

Enjoy.

Simchat Torah

2008-10-22T10:42:00.002-04:00

An old picture of B'nai Jeshrun, without a ceiling

Last night was the beginning of Simchat Torah, the Jewish holiday where we read the last bit of the Torah before rolling it back and reading from the beginning again. It's a holiday that celebrates the Torah, celebrates Judaism, celebrates new beginnings and Jewish life and the goodness of celebration. For someone like me, who appreciates both the chance to start over and the excitement of the book of Genesis (I know, cliche, but I can't help it--I love the stories!) it's a wonderful holiday.

After spending a wonderful day in Jersey with the C-Squad and Vicky's wonderful family, we hopped the train(s) to get back to the city to celebrate Simchat Torah. A bunch of HUC'ers were going to B'nai Jeshrun, a huge "reformative" synagogue in Manhattan. I was excited to go, mostly because it's the synagogue where Keeping the Faith was filmed (one of my all-time favorite movies!) The rabbi is Sephardic, from Argentina, and led a somewhat Sephardic style service. Traditionally, there are 7 hakafot (Torah processionals) on Simchat Torah, meant to celebrate the Torah and give everyone a chance to touch, dance with, and sing to it. Well, BJ knows how to rock on Simchat Torah; they have the 7 hakafot, each about 45 minutes long, with tons of loud music, singing of niggunim (songs without words) and the passing of all of their Torah scrolls. There were SO MANY PEOPLE there, of all races and ages and shapes and sizes. It was really remarkable to see everyone celebrating the Torah and having so much fun. I even got to carry the Torah for awhile as I danced and sang with my friends and Jewish brothers and sisters.

After dancing and singing our way through the first 4 hakafot (I'm amazed--with the amount of people there and the crazy, relentless excitement there--that I lasted that long...but it sure was fun!) we decided to make a break for the closest bar to end our evening with a drink. We ended up at a bar called the Blue Donkey, where our Jewish bartender (only in NYC would you find a Jewish bartender from Detroit named Eli who wished us all a chag sameach) gave us free whiskey shots in honor of the holiday. You'll all be proud to know I knocked back the shots with the best of my male (and one female...rock on, Vicky) counterparts!

After the bar, I had my first experience with another NY speciality, Tasti De-Lite. I'm happy to know that Tasti De-Lite is neither tasty nor delightful, expensive, and full of God-knows-what chemicals that make it taste the way it does. I won't be eating it again any time soon.

So, I had a wonderful holiday, and a fantastic last hurrah before school starts up again tomorrow (ugh.) I think this break was really, really good for me. I didn't get nearly enough work done, but I was able to see some of New York City and learn to appreciate it for what it is. I'm slowly learning how to love it here, how to navigate the subways, how to act like a New Yorker without actually becoming one, and how to find my place here. I think things are starting to look up; AND my first paycheck is coming soon, which means I'll be able to replace my lost iPod, which will help even more.

I hope everyone is well...lots of love from the Big Apple!

Fun NYC Weekend

2008-10-19T17:05:00.005-04:00

One of the best things about break is the time and ability to run around New York City, discovering the amazing things that this city has to offer. It is especially fun to discover the city when one of your best friends comes to visit and discovers it with you! I was so excited when Jane and I made plans for her to come and stay with me this weekend. She was my first official visitor and we had a great weekend. Unfortunately she could only stay from late Friday night until Sunday afternoon, but we made the most of what NYC has to offer the entire time she was here (especially on Saturday!)

Friday night was a very relaxing night at my apartment. Her bus didn't arrive until after 8pm, so by the time she picked up her bags, we made it on the subway and back to my apartment, it was after 9 and we didn't want to hike back to the city. So...we had a lovely Shabbat and ordered food from the restaurant down the street that I love and sat and talked until almost 1am. That's one of my favorite things about old friends; I love the very first good talk after not seeing each other for awhile. It reminds me that no matter what's happened or how far apart we may be, good friendships will always remain strong.

Saturday, however, left us very little time for conversation! We left the apartment early to head to Canal Street in Chinatown to hit up the stands of knock-off purses and accessories. We were determined to each walk away with something, and spent many hours perusing the stands of "Goaches" (fake Coach bags) and "Puh-radas" (Pradas.) We each found our "Prada" bags, complete with real Prada labels the cute Chinese ladies sewed on for us. Mine is red pleather, and I ADORE it, even if there is a tag on the inside that says "Made in China." We also sprayed ourselves with perfume, played with the fake Chanel sunglasses on display, and found cute cashmere scarves. Mine is a Burberry, of course. OK, so it's not real Burberry, but it is 100% cashmere, and I kind of love it. But don't tell anyone else...

Welcome to Chinatown!

The vendors on Canal Street

Jane and I playing around with our gangsta sunglasses

The real Chinatown, a few blocks away from the madness that is Canal Street

Showing off my purchases: my pretty Puh-rada bag who I lovingly refer to as "Blanche", after the Golden Girl, and my Burberry scarf. I forgot to mention that I have rainboots that match the scarf, thus the reason I needed to have it. Love it!

After our shopping extravaganza, we were starving and looking for lunch. We thought about sampling the delicious Chinese goodies in Chinatown, but were slightly afraid of getting food poisoning and/or not being able to read the menus. So we decided to hop over to the next neighborhood, Little Italy, for one of their delicious lunch specials. We had lunch at a place called Caffe Napoli, smiling at the reminder of the restaurant in STL with the same name. It was a fantastic outdoor lunch, with good people watching and fantastic Italian bread. Afterwards, we strolled around the neighborhood and enjoyed delicious mini cannolis from "The Cannoli King." It was a tasty way to relax and enjoy the best Little Italy has to offer.

A not so great view of Little Italy, taken from my seat at our table. It really is cuter than the picture can describe.

After lunch, we wandered around a bit trying to find the nearest subway to take us to Union Square. While wandering, we realized we were in SoHo, a trendy, funky neighborhood full of young people and NYU students. We walked around a bit and stopped by some jewelery stands to buy handmade earrings which were on sale 4 for $10. I love all 4 pairs I bought, including a pair of shiny silver leaves that are "very chic" according to the woman who sold them to me. From SoHo we kept wandering, all the way to Union Square! There, we bought delicious honeycrisp apples (have you tried them yet? The BEST apples in the world, I swear...) and pears and Obama buttons. We stopped at Starbucks to rest our tired legs--I think we walked at least 3-4 miles that day--and plan out the rest of our day. We decided to see what was on sale at the TKTS booth in Times Square, which sells same-day tickets to Broadway shows for up to 60% off. We hopped on the subway and found TKTS, where we waited in line for about an hour only to land great seats to Spring Awakening, a new-ish show about young love in late 19th century Germany. I'd wanted to see the show for a LONNNNNNG time, and I was so excited!

And I was right to be excited. The show was OUT OF THIS WORLD good. Really, really fantastic. The show itself is dark and sad, though the music is incredibly beautiful and full of energy and spirit. The cast was also great, especially for not being the original. I think I might have a new musical obsession; I love musicals, as they tend to be my escape from Jewish music (I need one of those once in a while), and I've been waiting anxiously for my next favorite. I think I found it!

BTW--Spring Awakening is coming to the Fox in February---go see it! You won't be disappointed, I promise.

Jane and I waiting to get into the theatre, right before Spring Awakening.

After the show ended, Jane and I talked about it all the way back to Astoria, where we went to sleep after a very long and fantastic day.

The next morning, we woke up early and packed Jane's things for one last jaunt around New York City. We decided to hit up The Dakota, where John Lennon was killed. It's really not much to see, just an apartment building that tourists aren't allowed to go into, but it was cool nonetheless. A few feet away, in Central Park, is Strawberry Fields, a small monument dedicated to the life of John Lennon. Again, it's not much to see, but the idea of it is very cool. We walked around a bit and took some silly pictures before heading off to find a good brunch spot.

The Dakota, where John Lennon was shot and killed

Strawberry Fields. It's hard to tell from the picture, but the word 'Imagine' is written in the very center of the circle. It's supposed to be a very peaceful place and monument, but due to the huge number of tourists who want to see it, the peacefulness is somewhat disturbed.

Me and Jane in Central Park (I promise there are fresh clothes under the jacket and scarf.)

After wandering aimlessly for a good brunch spot, we decided on Whole Foods at Columbus Circle. I know, not very New York, but the good places around the area were too expensive for our tastes. So we ate a quick but yummy brunch before hopping the train to get Jane back to Herald Square, where the bus would take her back to Boston.

Overall, it was a great weekend, complete with fake designer handbags, tons of wandering the streets and getting lost on subways (we ended up in Harlem on Sunday morning--an adventure for sure) and tons of good food and friendship. I loved having Jane, and am equally excited to welcome Steph Clark and her mama at the end of this month, my dad in January, and Mike and Joey in April. I'd love to have YOU as well--my couch is always open and very comfy!

High Holy Day Review

2008-10-11T13:30:00.003-04:00

Well, the High Holy Days have officially come and gone. We haven't yet celebrated Sukkot or Simchat Torah, but this year I was only responsible for singing for Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. I have to admit that I'm incredibly relieved they're over, not so much for the heavyness or importance of the days, but because the fear and trepidation of my first set of holidays as cantor are officially over. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted, and life can once again return to normal (though I'm still trying to figure out if life will ever be "normal" as a Jewish leader...)

Yom Kippur services went really well, and despite some musical mistakes, I felt much, much more calm and competant on the bimah. Kol Nidre (the evening service that begins Yom Kippur) went especially well. At the end of the service, the rabbi thanked me in his closing announcements, telling the congregation how pleased he was to be working with me and how much I brought to the service. It was really, really nice of him to say, and really nice to hear. After the service was over, I thanked him for his kind words, and he said, "well, ya kinda earned it..." I'm glad he was pleased with my addition to the service and the mood we both created together. I'm even gladder to be able to work with Eric; he's been a pleasure to work with, and he never seems to mind when I ask him a million questions (even the silly, obvious questions.) I love his insights and anecdotes, both during services and in those moments when we're working together one-on-one. He has an energy that I very much need and appreciate, and in my opinion, we balance each other out well on the bimah.

One of the most meaningful moments of Yom Kippur came during Kol Nidre, when instead of singing the typical Debbie Friedman Mi Sheberach (a prayer for healing), I led the congregation in Leon Sher's Heal Us Now. It's a really beautiful piece, despite it's potential for cheesyness, and the congregation LOVED it. As I sang it, I couldn't help but think of those I love who needed the prayer: The Spinrads, their friend Toney, my Aunt Evelyn, my mom, and others. It totally, totally changed the way I sang it, and even I was almost moved to tears. I'm glad it went well, and I'm hoping to use it every now and then as a nice change of pace on Shabbat.

Another meaningful moment came between the morning and afternoon services. The congregation has a tradition of hosting a symposium, where 3 congregants tell their life stories; they speak of their childhoods, their connection to Temple Beth El, their Jewish identities, and whatever else happens to come up. This year, I was able to hear the stories of Mona, Mitch, and Millie. All 3 stories were powerful, but to hear 90-year-old Millie speak was incredibly moving. Her brain is sharp as a tack, and she told us all about her parents, children, and the love she experienced with her late husband. The whole room was crying when she talked about the last year of her husband's life, and how he prepared her for what she'd need to know and do once he passed. She spoke of the love they experienced in that year, complete and unconditional, fully knowing what was ahead, fully understanding how little time they had left. All I could think of was my hope to find that kind of love, to someday be in a position similar to that. While imminent death is never good, to feel that kind of love so completely is a joy I need and want to experience.

Overall, my HHD experience was fantastic. And I'm so, so, SO happy it's over for the year. I'm looking forward to the day when I can think less about notes and rhythms and choreography and logistics and focus wholly and completely on prayer and my congregation. It will come eventually, but for now, the prayer is found within the learning.

Coolest Moment Yet

2008-10-02T22:16:00.003-04:00

Forgot to mention that I taught Sunday School music in South Bend this past weekend. The kindergartners needed to learn the Sh'ma, the prayer that affirms to all Jewish people that God is One God. I taught them the simplest melody and explained the text to them. They seemed to understand exactly what I was saying and what the prayer is about. And then, they sang it by themselves, a few times to get it right, the last time with their eyes closed. I have to tell you that hearing a group of 5 year olds, sweetly singing the Sh'ma that they just learned from me, was one of the coolest moments of my cantorial "career" yet.

Just wanted to share.

Back to working on my Yom Kippur cue sheets...there are a lot of services on Yom Kippur!

L'Shana Tova!

2008-10-01T10:23:00.002-04:00

Happy New Year to all of my Jewish friends and family out there. May your 5769 bring you a year of happiness, good health, friendship and love.

I'm sorry I haven't been good about posting this week. Needless to say, it's been a little crazy as I've been feverishly preparing for my first High Holy Day pulpit. Last week was full of music cramming, preparing the Torah portion I needed to read for HUC t'fillah last Thursday (whoever decided to give a 2nd year student 11 verses of N'ztavim the Thursday before her first ever HHD pulpit was completely insane), and packing to head to South Bend for shabbat and Rosh Hashana services.

I am happy to say that both Shabbat and Rosh Hashana services went, for the most part, very well. Erev Rosh Hashana was full of hilariously ridiculous moments on my part, which included the several times I ad-libbed my music (even though it was right in front of me), completely forgetting the tune for the entire Amidah (even though it was primarily Shabbat Nusach and the rabbi was kind enough to bail me out--my mind just completely blanked in the moment) and then singing a bitonal and very interesting HHD Kiddush. Oh, and I was halfway through the Janowski Avinu Malkenu when I realized I wasn't facing the ark as I needed to be (and as the rabbi instructed all of us seconds before I began singing.) I figured it would look silly for me to turn around halfway through the piece, so I stayed where I was, cheating my body slightly towards the ark. I need to figure out a way to behave like a normal cantor even when I'm scared out of my mind.

Hilarity, I tell you.

Rosh Hashana morning went much, much smoother, as I think my nerves had settled a bit. My voice felt clear and strong, the music went smoothly despite some minor catastrophies, and my HHD nusach and melodies felt must more comfortable.

Another funny moment--I realized on Rosh Hashana eve that the prayerbook I was using was the gender-neutral edition. The entire congregation used the non gender neutral edition, so our names for God were a little out of sync. The rabbi and I shared a few chuckles over that one, especially over the RH morning service that had many significant differences.

The best part of RH was that I had family there to share the service with me. My mom, Uncle Stevie, and Aunt Bonnie came all the way to South Bend to attend services and cheer me on. I can't tell you how nice it was to be surrounded by a wonderful congregation that included family and those congregants who have sweetly taken me on as family.

Thank goodness the congregation didn't seem to mind my mistakes (and very few people even noticed.) They really are the greatest congregation a second year student could ask for, as they are used to the student cantor making small mistakes and learning throughout their year/s with them. They are an amazing group of people, who I am falling more and more in love with on every visit. Special thanks to those of you who hosted me, fed me, schlepped me, bought me bobby pins for my new kippah which you so sweetly gave to me, welcomed me with open arms and sweet words, or any combination of the above. I am very fortunate to be a part of your family for the year.

I'm now home in St Louis for the week, to chill out and work on music for Yom Kippur and do some laundry for free. It's nice to be away from NYC and far, far away from public transportation, and also to play with my doggie whenever I want to.

Again, l'shana tova to all of you. Stay tuned for updates as the highest of holy days continue to fall upon us :)

Preparations

2008-09-19T14:44:00.003-04:00

It's been another crazy week here in NYC. It's beginning to dawn on all of us that Rosh Hashana is less than 2 weeks away, and most of us still have mountains and mountains of music and text to learn in order to fully prepare for our High Holy Day pulpits. It's a huge job in and of itself, and partnered with our schoolwork and jobs it's very busy and overwhelming time for all of us. I've spent many hours in the practice rooms this week, working on music for HHDs and school and fitting in my music theory homework (we have to journal our practice every week, with at least 4 entries and 15 minutes a practice session.) No one is getting enough sleep, there is laryngitis going around HUC, and all of us seem to be running on too much caffeine. It's a wee bit tense around school at the moment.

The 3rd, 4th, and 5th years reassure us that our 2nd year HHD pulpits are the hardest, as we've probably never led HHD's before and we feel the need to cram as much music in the services as possible. They remind us not to go too crazy, that singing some Shabbat nusach is OK and probably appreciated, and to keep it as simple as possible this year. They remind us to, musically speaking, to use what we've got, not to be too ambitious with what we don't yet have, and allow the rabbi and congregation to read certain prayers we've always heard sung. In other words, they're telling us to relax, and as one of my 5th year colleagues told me, to "chill the f**k out." (Did you think clergy never use bad words? Think again...) It's GOOD advice, advice I'm finally beginning to feel OK with even though I am going to keep working until the end.

The Jewish people are currently in the Hebrew month of Elul, the Hebrew month that precedes Rosh Hashana, the start of the new year. It's a time of reflection, of repentence, of finding God in both comfortable and UNcomfortable ways. It's helpful for all of us second years to remember what Elul is all about, why we're here, how we got here, and what we REALLY want to accomplish during the HHD's. When we think about things in this way, we realize that singing the perfect B'rosh Hashana isn't the most important thing, and that our congregants probably won't remember whether we sung the right nusach for whatever prayer we're singing. They will, however, remember the moments of services that touched them, that helped them to find God, that helped them to reflect and repent and remember what the HHD's are all about.

I've been spending just a little time every day this week with Naomi Levy's book Talking to God. If you've never read it, I highly encourage you to do so; it's a book of prayers for small moments, both joyful and rough. It's not a HHD themed book, but there are a few of her prayers that have jumped out at me that relate to where I am right now, in the midst of all of these preparations. They remind me to do the best I can and to trust that God will help all of us through this rough patch.

"Dear God, as I pray, day after unpredictable day,
May the voice of my soul spring forth from my lips.
May I turn to You, God, in tears, in laughter, and in song.
And may my prayers be answered. Amen."

"When I panic, God, teach me patience.
When I fear, teach me faith.
When I doubt myself, teach me confidence.
When I despair, teach me hope.
When I lose perspective, show me the way--
back to love, back to life, back to You. Amen."

"You have blessed me with many gift, God, but I know it is my task to realize them. May I never underestimate my potential; may I never lose hope. May I find the strength to strive for better, the courage to be different, the energy to give all that I have to offer.
Help me, God, to live up to all the goodness that resides within me. Fill me with the humility to learn from others and with the confidence to trust in my instincts.
Thank You, God, for the power to grow. Amen."

May your month of Elul bring you to a closer relationship with God, and may your new year be a year of peace and happiness.

Thank God I Found This!

2008-09-14T11:43:00.002-04:00

This might just be the website I need to keep a sense of humor about the subway system. I particularly love the video on the Sept 8 post. Nothing like that would EVER happen in St Louis!

http://subwayblogger.com/

Enjoy!

Accentuating the Positive

2008-09-13T22:04:00.005-04:00

The view of the city from the roof of the Metropolitan Museum of Art

I just typed a whole blog about my honest feelings about living in NYC. It's been another rough week--I'm not the happiest camper right now, and all my fantasies about somehow becoming Carrie Bradshaw have been chucked out the window. And 3 dirty, disgusting rats ran around my feet (one of them ran ACROSS my feet, and I was wearing sandals) which scared the bejesus out of me. But--the blog was negative, boring, whiny, etc. So I am going to switch into positive mode, telling you about the good things that happened this week, as a couple of things did make my life a little brighter.

Yesterday, I had my first adventure at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I was excited to be there for the first time, even if it was with my bible history class, looking at artifacts from the Assyrian period (would you like to know how exciting our 90 minutes was not?) I had a little while to peruse the museum afterwards, so I went up to the rooftop garden to see the views and the sculptures. There is an exhibit right now featuring a few pieces from contemporary sculptor Jeff Koons. I loved the balloon animals! I'm excited to go back there whenever people come to visit--it will take more than a few visits to see the entire collection and take advantage of all that the museum has to offer.

The Met

One of the balloon animal sculptures by Jeff Koons

Dena and I in front of the balloon animal--I wish the picture allowed you to see my fantastic new boots that, while fantastic, were not the most appropriate footwear for a museum of such grandeur, as the blisters on my feet will tell you.

After the Met, I went to a job interview at Temple Shaaray Tefila in Manhattan. On Tuesday afternoon I was telling a new friend who is a 4th year student that I was looking for a teaching job, and he forwarded my name and contact info to the cantor in case she had openings for B'nai Mitzvah tutors. Literally 15 minutes after he sent the email, the cantor called me to ask if I had any interest in teaching a blessings class to B'nai Mitzvah age students. It's not exactly what I had in mind, but it's a job in my field that pays. Anyways, I went to interview with the cantor on Friday, and was given the job on the spot. We're still working out particulars and such, but I'll have a job co-teaching the class with their newest rabbi who was ordained from HUC-NYC last year starting this Thursday. I'll be prepping the students to lead their B'nai Mitzvah services, which is a huge responsibility, but also a huge honor. And it pays well (let's not forget that!) I'm excited to have a job with this large, well-known Reform congregation that isn't too far out of my way after school.

Classes are still going well, and I enjoy several (but not all) of them. My cantorial classes are by far my favorite, especially the ones that focus on repertoire. My traditional nusach class is fantastic, with the wonderful Cantor Faith Steinsnyder. We've been working on traditional melodies of Adolph Katchko, which we're required to perform out of the prayerbook--without music--every week. I also love my Reform workshop, where we study the development of the repertoire in the Reform movement. We are required to sing in that class every time we meet (on Mondays and Wednesdays) and have so far worked on melodies from Helfman (Barechu), Weiner (L'cha Dodi--crazy, but beautiful), and a few "trad" melodies. I love the feedback given to us by our professor Cantor Benjie Ellen Schiller in the class, and love talking about the music. The music of the Reform movement--everything from the classical composers to the happy-clappy camp music--really feeds my soul and my love forJewish music. I also really love choir, which is led by the amazing Joyce Rosenzweig, a virtuoso (and I mean virtuoso) pianist and wonderful choir director.

It's exciting to work with these people in such close contact. I love that there are only 5 of us in my class and we have time for lots of personal attention and direction. I love that the older cantorial students have done all of this before and warn us about what's to come and give us helpful hints on how to survive the tough moments. I love that there are 42 cantorial students in the entire building. To give you some comparison, there are 42 rabbinical students just in the 2012 class. It's kind of great to be a part of something small that makes such a huge impact on the Jewish world.

How's that for positives? Lots of them! I'm trying to concentrate on these things, these amazing moments when I remember why I'm living in this crazy city instead of Cincinnati (not that Cincy's a bad place...) I'm trying to focus on the reasons I'm here and how lucky I am to be fulfilling my dreams, even when they come with their fair share of hardships.

It's all worth it. And that's not just lip service. Even though I continue to repeat my mantra on a regular basis...

Mantra

2008-09-06T14:44:00.003-04:00

I do not hate New York City.
I do not hate New York City.
I do not hate New York City.

I remember studying transcendental and Jewish meditation for a short while before I began cantorial school. My teacher had a method of stating a mantra over and over again, 200-something times a day, with the belief that whatever you were stating would eventually come into being.

I say the above mantra at least 2,000 times a day, especially when walking the streets of the city and when on a crowded subway or worse--the crowded, hot and smelly subway stations.

And last week, my brand new iPod went missing. I had it at school, and when I looked for it again, it was gone. I sent out an email to the student body, faculty, and maintenance staff, and haven't heard a thing. You'd think in a crowd of soon-to-be rabbis, cantors, and Jewish educators, someone would turn in a lost iPod, but no. My iPod was the one thing that made the subways and streets bearable; I was able to drown out the track noise, the crowds, the people illegally begging for money on the trains. It's going to be awhile until I can afford to buy a new one, so until then I'll have to sing my own songs to myself or learn how to read on the train without getting nauseous. I guess we'll see.

I have a confession to make: As I was leaving Cincinnati the other day, I was seriously contemplating switching to the rabbinical program so I could move to the Cincy campus. I spent a good 10 minutes weighing the pros and cons, and in the end I decided that just being in Cincinnati was not a good enough reason to abandon my real dream for the next best option. I'd make a lousy rabbi, anyways...I don't care enough about Talmud and my public speaking skills are mediocre at best.

It's been a rough go this week. Being in Cincy made me realize what I'm missing by living here. I'm trying to take the sweet advice given my friends and others here to venture out and try new and fun things in the city, though every time I do I end up wishing I was sitting on my (brand new, finally delivered and comfy and wonderful) couch watching TV. Today I went to Union Square to visit the popular farmers market, which ended up being twice as expensive as my little markets in Astoria and crowded beyond belief. I then made a trip to Whole Foods across the street and ended up standing in line for 20 minutes to walk out with my one little bottle of Fish Oil pills. After that, it was a trip to Trader Joes, which I was so looking forward to, which led to standing in a horrendously long line (it literally wove around the perimeter of the store.) I left my apartment 3 hours ago, and I desperately need a nap or a big glass of wine to chill myself out.

This city is going to take a lot of getting used to. And I am trying--really, I am.

There's a song I learned last year by Israeli pop artist David Broza called Yi'hiye Tov (It Will be Good) that I've been listening to a lot lately. It kind of describes my feelings right now and gives me a little hope that things will indeed improve. And they will, I'm sure--it's just going to take a very long time. Until then, I press on.

And all will be good
yes, all will be good
though I sometimes break down
but this night
oh, this night,
I will stay with you.

I do not hate New York City.
I do not hate New York City.
I do not hate New York City.

Y'hiyeh tov.

I'm Alive!

2008-09-04T22:18:00.004-04:00

My first Shabbat table in my new apartment

I apologize for the delay in posting. The last 2 weeks have been completely insane, and in many ways I feel busier, more pressured, and more exhausted than I ever was last year. There always seems to be something important that needs doing for school or work or the apartment that has caused me not to be able to really focus on keeping y'all up to date. Anyways, let me give you some sort of an idea as to what I've been up to.

We began last week, our official first week of classes, at a HUC-NY community Kallah, a gathering at Camp Kutz in Warwick NY. It was a wonderful 3 days of learning, singing, prayer and bonding with this new group of people. Every year there is a theme to Kallah, and this year it was gender. We discussed several important issues facing the Jewish community which involve gender, including the role of women in Jewish professions (the ratio of women to men in Jewish professions is substantially growing, to the point where we are vastly outnumbering the men) and how to bring the men back into the Reform movement (many have become very non-participatory in the last few years.) We also dealt with issues of sexuality, both with including the LGBT community in synagogue life and how to address our own questions of sexuality in relation to Judaism and our professions. It was a very interesting few days, and I am happy to share what I've learned if anyone is interested. One of the most interesting parts was a meeting with Sally Priesand, the first woman ever ordained from HUC. It was an honor to listen to her speak and to hear a small piece of her story. We also began our classwork at Kallah, interspersing our classes with sessions on gender issues.

Me, Elana, and Julia hanging out at Camp Kutz, anxiously awaiting our weekend of gender issues

One of the most interesting moments of Kallah was a men-themed Ma'Ariv (evening) service. As we entered the outdoor theater, we were told to sit in the middle section ONLY if we identified with the 'male' gender. If we did not, we were asked to sit outside the middle section. Once the service began, one of the leaders (a male, of course) asked those of us sitting outside the middle NOT to participate in most of the t'fillah so the men's voices could be heard without being drown out by the women's voices. Well, you can imagine the response that this announcement received as the women quietly watched the service go on. Many people, women AND men, got up and left the crowd entirely out of anger, refusing to be a part of a service like this. I decided to stay and watch and observe what my male classmates considered to be a "men's service." There was lots of chanting and drumming and many people told stories of their fears and proud moments. It was a lovely service which would have been made lovelier had I been able to sing along. Anyways, I figured out pretty early on that the service was not just a service, but an social experiment to see how the community would respond. Afterwards, our community had a long discussion about how and if the service worked, and LOTS of people had a LOT to say. What struck me the most was remembering the way it felt to attend services in Israel, sitting in a balcony or behind a separating wall in a section specifically for women, where we were sometimes not allowed to sing anything at all. It was so strange to experience this in America, particularly in a Reform setting, particularly in a College that trains Reform Jewish leaders. If someone had told me at the beginning that this was an experiment, it would have been fine with me--I just wish it hadn't been during prayer time, when I'd come in expecting to have time with God and instead was left with nothing. If anything, it was very interesting and led to some great discussion and thought.

We got back from Kallah last Tuesday and jumped right into our classwork at the HUC building on Wednesday. I'll explain all of my classes in a later blog, but I'll say that our days go from 8:40-3:05 Monday through Thursday, with the exception of Wednesday mornings which begin at 8:15 and Thursday afternoons which end at 4:45. They're long days, longer than they sound, often filled with meetings or study sessions during lunchtime, so we go all day long without a break. We do not have classes on Fridays, since so many students need to use the day to travel to their student pulpit jobs. Speaking of which...

Friday led me to my first weekend at my student pulpit in South Bend, Indiana. I arrived in South Bend around 1pm, where I was taken directly to the temple to meet with the rabbi. He is very, very nice, with lots of energy and excitement about being a Jewish leader. Both Friday night and Saturday morning services went well (though I need to work on keys with the accompanist and the rabbi who plays guitar.) The community was also WONDERFUL, and I have invitations already to 6 break fast meals on Yom Kippur. Everyone was so warm and welcoming and made my first weekend there really nice. I also had a chance to sit with the rabbi to go over High Holy Day services, which was relieving and helped me to get a better idea of exactly what the HHD's will ask of me.

After South Bend, I took a little road trip to Cincinnati to see my friends at the Cincy campus of HUC. It was a FANTASTIC, though all too short time with them. Steph and Ariel planned a big dinner in my honor for all of my favorite Cincy people, and it was so wonderful to catch up with and laugh with my friends again. After dinner, we went to a cute little park to see a big fireworks display over the Ohio River, and then to Cincy's favorite ice cream shop, Graeters. It was so delicious and a lot of fun. The next morning, we had a quick breakfast at First Watch (so good to go back there--I went about once a week all summer and have been missing my Healthy Turkey omelet) before I headed back to South Bend to catch my flight to NYC. It was a great end to a really, really good weekend.

Steph, Ariel, me and PJ waiting for the fireworks

We finally got a good shot!

Fireworks over the Ohio River

Anyways, this week it was classes as normal, ending with an all-school BBQ on the roof of the building. It was nice, though I am totally and completely exhausted and so, so, SOOOOO ready for my 3-day weekend. I don't have any major plans, though if I recover a little from my head cold I'd like to go to the famous Union Square farmer's market on Saturday morning. Farmers Market's are my own personal heaven, so I'm excited and hoping I can recover in time.

So that basically covers my last 2 weeks. I told you it's been crazy! I'm still adjusting, still learning this HUGE city, still cultivating my love/hate relationship with it (I'm currently in the not-so-good stages), and still trying to find some balance in my over-scheduled life. It'll all come in time, I know. Thank goodness for my 3 day weekend :)

I'm hoping to keep posting on a regular basis once I am accustomed to my new schedule. Thanks for sticking with me! Have a fantastic weekend, everyone!